So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?

The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

No moving into drive out of park...

I happened to see part of an episode of Family Feud tonight.  I don't think I have seen that show since I was a little kid.  The question at hand was "What can a woman do to get her husband's sex drive out of park?"
As I sat there listening to the show, I had to admit:  I had a hard time thinking of anything.  The answers the contestants gave were pretty standard:  wear lingerie, get him a drink, dance for him, simply get naked.  Yet, these didn't come to mind.  It occurred to me that my wife never does any of these things, or anything else, on the rare occasion that she actually initiates making love.  She just turns out the lights, flops on her stomach, sticks her hind end up, and awaits a backrub.  At first, this made me kind of bitter; I couldn't think of a dad-gum thing because the missus never tries anything.
It then occurred to me:  regardless of my abilities, my wife really is a lousy lover.  When she's not really in the mood, sex is awful.  However, now that I think about it, even when she wants to have sex, it's pretty bad.  She just lies there, waiting to be entertained.  She doesn't seem to have a clue about seduction, or being tempting, or even trying to be extra attractive.
I've been wondering if I should, somehow, let her know this.  Maybe if I "coach" her a little, maybe she might enjoy sex and intimacy better.  Would it actually improve things at all between us, or would it just make her mad?  Try as I might, I can't think of a way of expressing this that would help.  "Hey Honey, just so you know, it's bad enough that you never want to have sex; when we do, it's positively awful!"

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Irritating Sex Tips

I have been reading several books lately on how to improve my sex life (and, by extension, my marriage).  For the most part, these books offer advice on how to improve a low-sex or sexless marriage (that's me!).  Each book, however, contains a section on little tips for sparking a woman's sexual interest.  Anyway, these little tips irritate me to no end.  There is no way my wife and I are ready for any of these things.  Grab her behind unexpectedly!  Whisk her away for a romantic dinner!  Sneak into the shower when she's in there!
I think the "sneaking into the shower" thing has been mentioned in three different books.  It would be great fun, if I thought it would actually happen.  My wife would freak out and get angry.  There'd be the reversion to my favorite role she plays:  the Morally Offended Victorian Schoolmarm.  The Victorian Schoolmarm is personally affronted by any mention of that evil S-E-X!
Why in the world would someone think people in a sexless marriage could really have spontaneous sexual naughtiness?  I'm guessing that the authors felt they needed a little something for people who bought the book but really don't need it, or maybe they just don't realize people in sexless marriages can't do this stuff.  These tips are great when the wife actually has some interest in sex.  When it's personally offensive to her, it's no different than if some letcherous molester tried it.  Grabbing her ass will do nothing but make her act like she got stung by a bee.  If I tried to take her dinner unexpectedly, she'd come up with some lame excuse for why she just physically can't eat food where there's romance in the air.
Further, all these little tips do is remind me of how many things I am missing out of in my marriage.  It's a lot like someone who just got dumped by her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day walking through a makeout spot.  Thanks a lot for the reminder!
I feel inspired to say that I will never, ever, post some tip or something on here that cannot be attempted by someone in a low-sex marriage.  So be it.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Too much hurt...

The last few days have been frustrating.  The missus has had a rough work schedule, which never puts her in a good mood.  I joined a sports team that plays on Monday nights, which is when I normally drive my son to a club he belongs to.  I have been driving him there for six years.  My wife attempted to chew me out over the fact that she would have to drive him there; it's five minutes away.  I don't think there was really any point to her anger except that she didn't want to do it.  I was so angry I was ready to just walk out for good.
She later backed off, which I've noticed she will do if I actually get really angry about something.  However, it just got me thinking.
If you've been reading my blog lately, you know I've been trying to improve myself to make myself more attractive (for lack of a better word) and masculine around her.  I've created a self-imposed deadline, which should be about the time I have become a lot more fit, of when her behavior needs to change for good.  As of now, I don't see that happening.
I got to thinking, though:  what if she does change?  Will I still want her?  After all she has put me through, if there is a good chance I could find someone else who is younger, more pleasant, and more like me, would I stick with someone who has hurt me for so long for so many years?
I am not saying I would cheat on her, or even actively start looking for someone else, but this decision might not be so easy if I think I can get someone new.  The guilt, though, might be too much.
My fitness plan is going well on some levels, not so well on others.  After a couple of months of a restricted diet, I am really hungry and sick of drinking tap water.  My weight loss has not progressed much, particularly since I switched to more weight lifting.  On the plus side, for once I actually have some muscles (no, I am not trying to brag).  The other day at a restaurant, I could feel my chest poking the table; it felt kind of like having small boobs.
I have always said that any woman trying to pick up someone at a gym is not going to look for a man like me.  To my surprise, over the last couple of weeks I have noticed that there have been a half-dozen women -- and one dude -- who may have given me a second glance.  Of course, they have all been ugly, overweight, badly aged, or a combination of those things, but it is a change.  (The younger ones have been really ugly).

Friday, June 14, 2013

Why I write this...

I am sure many people wonder why I write this blog.  Why do I put my most personal feelings and thoughts on the Internet, particularly about the bone-crushingly embarrassing fact that my wife will not sleep with me?
For one, simply writing this blog is a kind of emotional release.  I have no one to talk about this, and I just feel better being able to put my feeling out somewhere, even if it is in the faceless anonymity of the Internet.
Two, I hoped I could help others out there in the same boat.  The world is full of (mostly) men who are in the same predicament, and maybe knowing someone else has to struggle with the same thing may give them at least some small comfort.
Three, I think the conventional wisdom among professionals and others is, to be frank, completely wrong.  There are a lot of opinions out there about frigidity and how to resolve it.  Before I started this blog, I spent untold hours reading books, magazines, online articles and blogs, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that the overwhelming majority of opinions out there were simply dead wrong.
A few years ago, there was a movie (The King's Speech) about the struggles of the king of Great Britain during World War II (George VI) with a horrible stuttering problem.  For a man whose single purpose was to provide public speechs of hope and comfort, this was trouble.  He went to all kinds of credentialed doctors, none of whom were able to help him.  There is a wonderful scene in the movie in which a doctor tells him to put marbles in his mouth.  The doctor describes the legend of the ancient Greek orator, Demosthenes, who had a stuttering problem.  According to legend, Demosthenes learned to speak properly by putting rocks in his mouth.  After the marbles proved a ridiculous failure, the then-duke said "Has anyone actually gotten this cure to work since then?"
Eventually, the duke finds an uncredentialed, unconventional teacher who uses completely different methods to help him successfully cope with his stuttering.
I think this illustrates perfectly what I have read from so many so-called experts on frigidity.  So many of these therapists and well-educated people say that the cure for frigidity is to do more chores, be more sensitive, and give in to your wife's complaints.  In the next breath, these same people openly acknowledge that this rarely, if ever, actually works.  Frigid women themselves love this theory, as it puts all the blame on their husbands while getting them a virtual household slave (at least until the guy wises up).
Believe me, I've tried those methods.  I've tried doing more chores.  I've tried being as nice as I can, even when my wife treats me like garbage.  I've tiptoed around her like a servant who will be beaten for insolence.  I've smiled till my mouth hurts while she spews one absurd excuse after another about why I just don't qualify for sex.  The only result was that I was even more bitter afterwards.
There is a popular blog out there by a frigid woman that really gets my goat.  It even has a story in the main page about how some poor sap read that helping out with the dishes would get him more sex.  He did just that, then got disappointed when nothing happened.  The conclusion the site draws is that he should just learn to live with it.  But that's not really a solution at all!  It's just a recipe for more misery.  What a stupid, absurd, crock!
Other self-proclaimed experts (usually not therapists) say that, well, men with frigid wives are just shitty lovers, and if they could just be a little more tender, or magically grow a bigger d*ck, their wives would put out more. There is also no proof of this, nor is there any offered solution.  These folks just like to feel a perverse pleasure that some poor bloke just can't get laid.
There is another camp of well-meaning people who latch on to the idea that frigid women are all tramautized. I don't doubt that there are plenty of men and women who are in that boat.  The problem I have is that these folks assume every frigid woman, or almost every one, has been tramautized.  I can tell you without a shred of doubt this is not my wife's problem, and there are scads of others who are the same way.  It is as if these folks simply think there is no possibility that a perfectly normal woman would simply not went to have sex and intimacy while staying married.
It's as if there is an entire industry devoted to ideas and advice that everyone acknowledges just does not work.  These people are no better than the medieval doctors who gave their patients leeches.  Judging from the thousands of hits this site gets, there are thousands, maybe even millions of husbands out there trying to deal with this, and getting nothing but terrible advice from those unwilling to admit they don't really know what they're doing.
So, I have put this Web site together to try and find real answers to this problem.  Surely there is a way out there to resolve this.  It may not be pretty, or easy, but the misery out there is simply too much.
(As I have said before, I have found a few sources that say the real source of the problem is a lack of respect for the husband as a man. This seems to be the only approach that has come close to helping me and others.)

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Lonely again...

[Normally, I like to have a lesson or new information to my post.  This post is going to be more of a personal update.  Read it, maybe you'll like it.  Just so you know...]
Tonight, the missus was supposed to be studying something for work.  She has to pass this test to get another certification, which will mean a not-unsubstantial gain in her paycheck.  I fully support this, just so you know.  What I have hard time supporting is her study method.
Last week, she was about ready to completely give up.  I helped her out, but it was still a struggle.  One of the things I think is certainly hurting is the fact that she insists on studying with the TV on.  I cannot imagine a worse way to imbibe chemical formulas into one's mind.  After she said she was out of ideas on how to get better, I turned the TV off in the middle of her study session.  After that, she finally made some headway, and her grades on the recent stuff has vastly improved.
Well, here we are a week later, and it's back to using the Idiot Box as a study aid.  Maybe she will remember some of the stuff before she let the TV put a fuzz over her mind.
She was watching some dumb show about dancing tonight.  Getting over a cold, I am pretty tired.  After the kids went to bed, I decided to just cut out any complex maneuvering, and cut to the chase.  Though she was wrapped up like a sardine in a blanket on the bed, I asked her if she would like to come downstairs and watch a pre-recorded show.  My intentions are to sit together watching something we both can enjoy (I have no illusions about actual sex).  She says no, she really wants to watch this stupid dancing competition, and it's on for two hours tonight.
At this point, I decide that it is better to fold on this one.  Trying to convince her again will lead to a smug verbal retort that "I'm comfortable" and she doesn't want to get her lazy ass up to watch on the TV that has DVR.  That would make me look weak, and that is the one thing I cannot do.  The only real option if I want to continue this is to come back up in ten minutes and pick an argument over the fact that I am going to be ignored all evening.  However, I really don't have the energy to do that, and I hate starting manipulative arguments, anyway.
So, it's back downstairs, by myself, to do whatever I want, as long as it doesn't involve anyone else.
I went back up a little after 10 to brush my teeth, and to make sure she saw me not showing emotion on this.
Here I am again, all by myself.  I'm so glad I got married so I could be lonely, just like I was as a bachelor, only with a bitchy roommate spending my money and grousing about everything.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

One Issue Resolved, but Others No Better

From my last posts, readers could certainly tell that I was very frustrated.  After making some (halting) progress on the physical affection front in early May, things seemed to have regressed to where they were.  As of last week, we were only having sex once every couple of weeks again, and the last couple of times it's been bad.  She does not take any interest in sitting with me, unless another woman seems to be taking an interest in me.  I suppose I was driven batty by the promise, after all these years, of actual progress in being more intimate, and then it was inexplicably reversed as quickly as it came.
Not everything is bad.  Her behavior towards me has gotten far more respectful of late.  I have heard a lot more "please," "thank you," and even one "I'm sorry" in the last few weeks than I have heard in years.  Perhaps once her respectfulness reaches a certain point her affection will return, too.
That said, I now think things are not going to improve enough before the deadline I have imposed on this process.  Sadly, I really think she just doesn't get it, and doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are.  If we get to the end of the deadline without further improvements, I will have to demand some counseling and some work on her part, but I suspect that will be no more fruitful than all my other efforts these past couple of years.  I have to come to believe that she really just does not understand why I am so upset with her.
I finally just went and started an ugly discussion of what in the world she is trying to accomplish with screwing up our anniversary.  I figured we were headed to an argument one way or another, so I might as well get it over with.  To my surprise, she said that she had no problem going out on our anniversary, just the two of us, with her sister here.  I was relieved, but she took offense to the whole question, and we had another frosty argument.  I am going to continue my plan:  to pay extra attention to my sister-in-law, and make sure my wife gets the hint.
The physical fitness regime is going well.  I now have lost enough weight that friends have noticed.  Being more blunt and assertive with the wife is also going well.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

No progress on one front

Today I would like to describe, in detail, all I have done as a husband, and what is waiting for me at the end of the day.  Perhaps in a few weeks I can look at it and see if things are any better or worse.  My wife's behavior towards me continues to get better, but we are still at a standstill with physical contact.  Whatever progress was made a few weeks ago in that arena is not with us anymore.
On the plus side, I did my weekly team sport (a full four hours being gone from the house) without any whining or guilt trips from her.  That is an improvement.
She actually made no objections when I told her I was going to switch to another team, which might mean being gone for additional time each week for a few weeks.
There was no nagging, criticisms, or requests for unreasonable things.  Those are also improvements.
However, the list of what I did for her today was considerable.  What did I get at the end?  Zip.
When I got back from the game, I rushed through lunch so that she could get to an event with our daughter.  When they left, I ran a load of laundry for her.  This is normally her chore, and she didn't ask me, but I thought it would be nice so she wouldn't have a ton to do when she returned.
After the event with our daughter, she asked if she could go to the fitness center and work out by herself.  This would mean that I could NOT work out at the same time, and I would have to watch the kids.  This is not a big favor, and I did it to be nice, but it was still a favor.
After dinner, she asked me if I could go to the store and get her something for a work project she had to do at the house.  When I didn't say anything (because that WAS an unreasonable request), she explained that she could save time by setting it up while I went to get the stuff.  That made sense.  Again, it was not a super-large favor, and I did it to be nice, but it was a favor.
I helped her out with the first part of her work training project.  Once it was done, I helped our daughter get cleaned up for bed.  Not a big deal, and one of us had to do it, but it was something I did.
She went upstairs after this to supposedly work on the second part of the work project.  I agreed to watch the kids for an hour and a half so she could get it done.  Once again, watching the kids is not unpleasant, and it made sense to do so so she could get this thing done, but I could've spent the time doing something else.
Her sister called unexpectedly about this time.  Instead of working on the project, she talked on the phone for over an hour.
I put the kids to bed by myself.  Not a big deal, and someone has to do it, but it doesn't have to be me.  As I put the last one to bed, I walked into the bedroom and realized she was watching TV and on the Internet.  The work project was not under way.
I decided to sit with her for a spell and see if there was any physical affection (not just sex) possible this evening.  Her parents had been in town for several days, and they do their best to make sure none of that happens while they're here.  Now they were gone, and we hadn't had sex in about a week and a half.
I sat through about fifteen minutes of the Bachelorette with her before deciding to say something.  I can't stand that show, but I was willing to sit there tonight if there was at least some physical contact.
As I started the conversation, she immediately broke into a complaint about something she said I said in front of her mother a few days earlier.  I had no idea what she was talking about.  I honestly do not remember the conversation she said I had that was "extremely rude."  I would bet it was something very minor that was taken completely out of context, and she apparently said nothing about it at the time.
After a few minutes of stony silence, I decided to snuggle up to her.  At this point, she had decided to work on her work project, and needed help with the math.  There was no way to try and snuggle now; she would just say I was interrupting an important work item, that was supposed to have been done about two hours earlier.
I helped her out with the math, and she finally put the books away.  At this point, after sitting through an hour of a stupid TV show, and helping her with her work, it was now or never.  I asked if she would want to snuggle up; she said "no," she just wanted to "lie down."  (Whatever that means).
I am sure in her mind I am some kind of crappy husband who doesn't deserve affection, or she shouldn't bother to show it to me.  Perhaps that snap about some remark I may or may not have made several days earlier was her little rationlization for today.  That thing I said days ago absolved her from doing anything nice for me.
After sitting through an hour of a show I hate just to sit with her, running errands for her, helping her for a few hours on her work projects, and watching the kids for hours so she could work out and chat with her sister, I feel that I deserve something better than this.  I didn't let her walk all over me, but goodness knows I did a lot of favors and tasks I really didn't have to do.  I am not a shitty husband.  I am not perfect, and there is also something more I can do.  But that's not a requirement for being a good husband.
Perhaps tomorrow I will just act a little mean, maybe even be a complete ass, just to prove a point.  I'm sure she'll have a list of complaints tomorrow at bedtime, and then I'll just say "I was nice all day yesterday, and it made no difference."
When I look at this in a few weeks, I hope I can say things have changed.