I have been reflecting lately on just when I should finally give up on my wife. Right now, it is better for me to stay with her, and keep trying to improve the physical shape I am in and my manly attitide. However, at some point that won't be true. I keep a log on my calendar (properly encoded, of course, so no one will know what it means) of our sex life, just so I have some hard data whenever we get into the "but we just did it a couple of days ago" argument. (For record, whenever she says "a couple of days ago," it's at least four). I went looking through the log, as well as my posts on here, to see what, if anything, has changed.
I was surprised to learn that aspects of our life have gotten better since I started reading the magic books about four months ago. Much of the selfish, rotten and rude behavior has dried up. The missus for the last few weeks has made at least a small effort to spend time with me, and has out-of-the-blue offered to watch a TV show we both enjoy. She has sat next to me, physically touching, most evenings, without whining. Most of these changes were so small and gradual, I really had not noticed them.
Looking back through the log, our sex life has gotten just a tiny bit better. We were having sex once every couple of months or so two years ago, and having sex one or twice a month six months ago, to maybe two-or-three times a month now. Yes, proportionally that's a large increase from six months ago, but because the numbers are so small, an increase of just one extra time means an increase of 50%. I am not sure yet whether that is a fluke or a real improvement.
Because these improvements are just so glacially slow, it makes me wonder if we will ever get to where we need to be. I've been patient for so many years, but this car may just be out of gas when it's finally moving. I've just been pushed too far.
There is one glaring problem that makes all of these improvements not matter: she still will not touch me, on her own. She will let me touch her, even a little aggressively sometimes. However, she will not ever initiate contact, nor will she show any emotion to indicate she enjoys it. I still feel like I am touching an unresponsive mannequin. This is a dealbreaker for me; regardless of what else goes on, I need her to make contact with me every day. I am sure there are plenty of other women out in the world who will do so.
What else is still a problem?
- She is still completely addicted to TV and the Internet. She completely denies how much time she spends on it, which just makes it that more sad. This will have to be dealt with soon, I think. I think sometime in August is a good time to bring it up.
- She cannot stand up to her parents, and they are terrible marital role models.
- There is still too much selfishness on her part when it comes to time and money.
- Even though she offers to watch TV with me, it's still....her activity. At no point does she offer to do something else.
- Yes, we are having sex more often, but it's still awful, and it's still not enough to where I feel loved.
I have decided to continue my current course for at least a three more months, and see where I am at then.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
A little numb....
I am sorry I have not written anything here in some while. I was waiting to have something interesting to say, but not much has changed in the last couple of weeks.
If you have read some of my other posts, you know I was going to try and pay "special attention" to my sister-in-law while she was here. No affairs, nothing truly out-of-bounds, but just enough to wake-up my wife to the possibility that I could go find other options. Well, that didn't work out. Her sister's husband is out of work, and so came along on the trip. I didn't really want to deal with him, too.
I have no idea why she stays with him. My sister-in-law's husband has been out of work now for over six months, and doesn't really show any signs of actually getting a job. He is not really a bad guy, all things considered, but he has a bad habit of getting fired or laid off, and then not finding work for months on end. He waits until his unemployment insurance runs out, and then goes to find another job. The last time he was unemployed for eleven months and two weeks. After no interviews for months on end, he miraculously got a job right before his year-long UI ran out. At home, he is your stereotypical lazy-ass husband who just sits on the couch watching TV or the Internet. He is so overweight he came down with diabetes in his late 20's.
The week they were here was stressful. Their kids are not mean or sassy, but they are horribly undisciplined and poorly behaved. Their parents have zero parenting skills. After three days of being stuck with disciplining their brats, I was really ready for them to go.
The other big problem was that they were here during our anniversary. I took the wife out to dinner without anyone else, which is as it should be. After we got back, I tried to put the kids to bed, but my wife and her sister kept asking if they could stay up a little longer to watch some special on TV. I acquiesed, but gave them a firm bedtime. As that time got nearer, I wondered if I was really getting snookered out of my romantic evening. Again, I had to deal with bad children. After they went to bed, I mentioned "going upstairs" to the wife. She said something about "no, no one's asleep yet" and something about watching some idiotic program for a minute. As I seethed, my sister-in-law instantly picked up that something was wrong. She kept asking me what the problem was, and I just shook my head. After sitting through a half hour of stupid TV, my wife's sister, figuring out what the trouble was, excused herself and her husband. (Her obtuse blockhead of a sister couldn't figure it out).
We went upstairs and had sex. It was better than usual, but I'm still going to mark it as a loss. I did not get my romantic evening; I spent the whole evening wrangling children and entertaining in-laws. There was nothing special about the sex. The one thing I had asked my wife for our anniversary was for some romance and time alone, and I really didn't get that.
The next morning, I blew up about my frustrations with her, and how she seemed to actively try to ruin every romantic holiday. My sister-in-law must've overheard the conversation, as they had a quick private chat. I have no idea what was overheard, but my wife was nothing but nice to me after that for the next couple of days. She actually held my hand once or twice unbidden. Sis even stuck up for me when my wife made a particularly silly acusation about something.
That was all fine and dandy, until they left. Then the old ice queen was back.
I am just numb. I have tried and tried to tell my wife that there is nothing acceptable about having a wife that won't touch her husband, but she just doesn't care. I haven't said the one thing that would get her attention: "if you do not change, I will leave you." I'll get things in order in the next few months, and once that happens, I will let her know. Like all large human tragedies, this one is completely avoidable. She will protest, and cry, and act completely flabbergasted. "I didn't know you felt so strongly about this!" Oh, but you do; you just don't want to change. There is only so much one man can do. I have tried everything I can on the sweet side to resolve this. I am all out of honey; get ready for the vinegar.
If you have read some of my other posts, you know I was going to try and pay "special attention" to my sister-in-law while she was here. No affairs, nothing truly out-of-bounds, but just enough to wake-up my wife to the possibility that I could go find other options. Well, that didn't work out. Her sister's husband is out of work, and so came along on the trip. I didn't really want to deal with him, too.
I have no idea why she stays with him. My sister-in-law's husband has been out of work now for over six months, and doesn't really show any signs of actually getting a job. He is not really a bad guy, all things considered, but he has a bad habit of getting fired or laid off, and then not finding work for months on end. He waits until his unemployment insurance runs out, and then goes to find another job. The last time he was unemployed for eleven months and two weeks. After no interviews for months on end, he miraculously got a job right before his year-long UI ran out. At home, he is your stereotypical lazy-ass husband who just sits on the couch watching TV or the Internet. He is so overweight he came down with diabetes in his late 20's.
The week they were here was stressful. Their kids are not mean or sassy, but they are horribly undisciplined and poorly behaved. Their parents have zero parenting skills. After three days of being stuck with disciplining their brats, I was really ready for them to go.
The other big problem was that they were here during our anniversary. I took the wife out to dinner without anyone else, which is as it should be. After we got back, I tried to put the kids to bed, but my wife and her sister kept asking if they could stay up a little longer to watch some special on TV. I acquiesed, but gave them a firm bedtime. As that time got nearer, I wondered if I was really getting snookered out of my romantic evening. Again, I had to deal with bad children. After they went to bed, I mentioned "going upstairs" to the wife. She said something about "no, no one's asleep yet" and something about watching some idiotic program for a minute. As I seethed, my sister-in-law instantly picked up that something was wrong. She kept asking me what the problem was, and I just shook my head. After sitting through a half hour of stupid TV, my wife's sister, figuring out what the trouble was, excused herself and her husband. (Her obtuse blockhead of a sister couldn't figure it out).
We went upstairs and had sex. It was better than usual, but I'm still going to mark it as a loss. I did not get my romantic evening; I spent the whole evening wrangling children and entertaining in-laws. There was nothing special about the sex. The one thing I had asked my wife for our anniversary was for some romance and time alone, and I really didn't get that.
The next morning, I blew up about my frustrations with her, and how she seemed to actively try to ruin every romantic holiday. My sister-in-law must've overheard the conversation, as they had a quick private chat. I have no idea what was overheard, but my wife was nothing but nice to me after that for the next couple of days. She actually held my hand once or twice unbidden. Sis even stuck up for me when my wife made a particularly silly acusation about something.
That was all fine and dandy, until they left. Then the old ice queen was back.
I am just numb. I have tried and tried to tell my wife that there is nothing acceptable about having a wife that won't touch her husband, but she just doesn't care. I haven't said the one thing that would get her attention: "if you do not change, I will leave you." I'll get things in order in the next few months, and once that happens, I will let her know. Like all large human tragedies, this one is completely avoidable. She will protest, and cry, and act completely flabbergasted. "I didn't know you felt so strongly about this!" Oh, but you do; you just don't want to change. There is only so much one man can do. I have tried everything I can on the sweet side to resolve this. I am all out of honey; get ready for the vinegar.
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