More Addiction to Electronics....

Well, Valentine's Day at least wasn't as bad as usual....
As I mentioned elsewhere, lately we've had a "see-saw" relationship.  We argue about my wife's continuing lack of interest in me (or even our kids), it ends with an ugly comment, and the next day she completely changes her tone.  Well, on Monday we had another one of those.
It started with the revelation that we both had Friday off, and didn't realize the other person had it, as well.  Before I could say (or even think) anything else, the missus started yelling "You had better not plan anything on my day off!"
I was flabbergasted.  "What?"
"You had better not make any plans for my day off!  I never get to do what I want on my day off!  I'm getting my hair cut at one o'clock!"
I was totally confused as to what exactly she was so enraged about.
"I didn't know you had the day off, so I haven't made any plans.  More importantly, what are you upset about?"
She just get more angry and started yelling, over and over, that she couldn't do what she wanted on her day off because of other people.  The kids got frightened.
She finally just stormed off.  My son decided to babble something completely off topic as she was walking away, which only made her angrier.
Several hours later, I insisted we talk about what exactly she was upset about.  She hemmed and hawed for some time before finally getting to the bottom of it.  She didn't want to say it out loud, but she really didn't want to spend time with any of the rest of the family on her day off.  She had complained bitterly for the previous couple of days that she would miss everyone because she had to work on the weekend.  Now that she had an opportunity to be with the rest of us on Friday, she was angry at the prospect of doing so.
"Fine," I said, "if you have to spend the day off separate, away from me and the kids, do it."
"You just have to be with someone else to have fun.  I am quite content to be by myself, without anyone bothering me.  I was looking forward to spending the day alone."
Ah.  Despite what she said, she really wanted to be by herself.
"I don't care that you want to do things without us, but you didn't have to yell at me at the prospect of having to spend time with us."
"I just want to be alone, without anybody else."
In reality, she wants to spend the day watching recordings of TV shows she made and play Candy Crush on Facebook.  Aside from the haircut and a workout, that's pretty much her day.
"Fine.  I WON'T plan anything at all for the two of us.  I'll just do something completely different that day, even if you're in the same house."
I was amazed at how she was pretty much admitting she didn't want to spend time with the rest of us.  I had an idea.
"You know what?  If you want, the kids and I will go away for a weekend, maybe even a week.  You can do whatever you want, all alone, because none of us will be here.  We won't even call you."
"That would be nice."
You can play your game and watch TV as much as you want.  No real people to get in the way.  The kids won't cry that mommy doesn't hug them any more.
I started to write in this blog, but I was too tired.  I went to bed dazed.  I couldn't believe my wife had just said she really didn't want to be with the rest of us.
Well, the next day she sent me a message saying she was sorry.  She suggested we do an activity on Friday together.
Ahhhhhh...........

Another Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a really depressing day if you don't have a "somebody" to share it with.  (Believe it or not, since I was fourteen, I only have spent a couple of Valentine's Days without an official girlfriend or wife.  Of course, the wife doesn't do much on that front, but I digress).  It's also a really depressing day if your wife is frigid.  The day is a sad reminder that my wife has no interest whatsoever in any romantic activity.  I literally cannot buy her enough stuff and romance to make her want to be with me.  There is a line from a chick movie from years ago that I really can't stand:
"It's Valentine's Day.  Every man in America is getting l@!#."
(You can guess what the last word was).
I really, really don't like that movie, but I think the line is more-or-less appropriate.  I'm pretty certain most grown women thoroughly enjoy the abundance of romance of the day.  If morally appropraite, yes, they are overwhelmed by the romance, and just can't help themselves.  Except, of course, if she's frigid, and then does everything she can to get out of it.
I decided to stake out the weekend early this year to make sure there were no more forgotten holidays.  About a month before St. V's day, I made sure we scheduled a dinner.  About 10 days before we were going to go out, the wife sent me an e-mail saying she wanted to go to her parents that weekend.  Oh, boy, there's nothing I would like more than to have my Valentine's dinner pre-empted by a night of watching my in-laws watch television!  I was adamant that, no, we had already made plans; too bad.  I knew from experience that her folks would not agree to watch the kids for a couple of hours while we went out, and the wife would find any excuse to avoid "extra activities" after we got back.  That was asking for disappointment.  She said nothing for a day, then offered to go out the weekend before, not after.
We'll see what happens.  She may find a way to ruin the day yet, but at least I have taken away the obvious means to do so.

A Giant Seesaw

The wife's behavior towards me has whipped from one extreme to another.  Lately the wife's icy shell has shown some cracks, but then she freezes over again.  On Monday a couple of weeks ago, we had a giant argument after she tried to blow me off for reality TV again.  I had had a horrible day at work, and I decided to trek upstairs for some company.  The missues was clearly irritated that I was interrupting The Bachelor.  I told her I was tired of being ignored almost every night, and I needed some company.  I added that I was ready to turn off the satellite TV and unplug the Internet so she would have to spend with me.  She continued to boil over because I had interrupted the reality TV show.  I suggested that, if she had to watch TV, maybe we could pick something we could both watch.  She said she didn't think there was such a show (yeah, right).  I then offered that we could alternate choosing shows; I would pick one night, then she would pick the next.  She said she was completely unwilling to give up her shows, even for a day.  That is when things really blew up.
On Tuesday, I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine.  I parked myself in front of the best TV right before her favorite shows were gong to start.  I was in a little bit of a pickle right before the hour, as I hadn't actually picked anything out to watch ahead of time.  I selected a channel that I knew she wouldn't like at all.
To my surprise, she sat down and offered to watch a recorded episode of a show we both liked, despite her earlier claim that there was nothing on TV we would both enjoy.  We had a perfectly civil evening enjoying something funny that was not reality TV.  She didn't even open the laptop to Facebook.
On Wednesday, though, we're back to the square one.  In the morning, she told me I was "off the hook" for going to a concert with her.  About a month ago, she asked if I would attend a concert of a band I had barely heard of.  I couldn't name a single song from the band, but I agreed.  It would be an activity for the two of us, I could get out of the house, and, who knows, the band might even be good.  I was actually looking forward to it.  Then, on Wednesday, she informed me that she had asked a friend of hers to go, and I didn't "need" to go anymore.  I was shocked, to say the least.  When I asked for a clarification, and told her I was looking forward to it, she said that she really would rather her friend go than me.  Further, she really didn't want me going to the concert if there was a chance I really just didn't like the band.  I was furious, and taken aback by how brazenly rude, inconsiderate, and thoughtless this was.  She tried to change the subject to whether I wanted to go to some dumb cookout at her friend's house, and didn't seem to understand why I was mad.  I angrily told her, in one sentence, that I couldn't believe she thought this was a good idea.
My wife is perfectly capable of being nice and courteous, especially to other people.  She often acts as if the rules of courtesy just don't apply when dealing with her husband.  Whether it is a lack of respect for me, an attempt to make my blood boil, or because she has gotten too comfortable, I am amazed that she simply does not think of these things.
Thursday was a different day.  She made a point of telling me, out of the blue, that she did not mean to hurt my feelings.  She did not mean to ditch me for someone better; she just thought I wouldn't want to go.  She told me I could still go if I wanted to, and her friend would just have to be disappointed.  She then said something I hadn't heard in over ten years:  "I'm sorry."  I about fell off my seat.
I'd like to say I know things are getting better, but I don't know that.  I just wish I didn't have to be ready to leave her for her to get the point.

The Angry Guy

I have just been re-reading some blogs on the Internet by some frigid women.  A lot of these posts mention the fact that a lot men married to these frigid women seem to be just angry.  Not just angry at their wives, but at women in general, at marriage, and life itself.  As with so many other aspects of this, the women are completely bewildered by it.  They just don't understand why these guys are so worked up.
At times, I am one of them.  I am ANGRY, especially at my wife, for acting like this, but also with myself, for enduring this for so long.  I don't want to be, but my emotion just spills over.  When we got married, I agreed to "forsake all others," and I have kept my side of the bargain.  I didn't pledge never to eat another woman's cooking (though that does make my wife mad), never to talk to another woman, or work with another woman.  I pledged not to sleep with another woman.  Implicit in that arrangement is that the woman I marry will meet me in a warm embrace, and, yes, we'll sleep together.  I didn't join a monastary.
For those of you reading this who are saying "You can't treat her like an object!", I am not treating her like an object.  I agreed never to fool around with another woman; sleeping with my wife is the only acceptable way for me to deal with sexual longing.  If that makes me guilty of "treating her as an object," well, every married man on the planet apparently fits that bill.  What would you have me do?  Spend every night by myself wishing some woman (especially the one in my bedroom) would show me some affection?  I can do that as a bachelor; I don't need someone living in my house as an self-absorbed roommate, spending my money, yelling at my kids.
For those of you that say "You have to think of her feelings, too," well, sorry, her feelings will almost never go to the bedroom.  Let me turn it around:  our present arrangement will not take my feelings into account at all.  This is not a compromise in any way.
I am angry because my wife just doesn't seem to get it.  I think she believes that intimacy is just some extra bonus that some wives will provide their husbands; if she doesn't want to do it, ever, that's just too bad.  She really does not realize that I, like almost every other man on the planet, will eventually leave her over this.
I am frustrated that my wife, just like most of the women who blog about being frigid, has deluded herself into thinking that she is really this hot, boiling pot of sensuous desire, but, darnit, her husband just didn't empty the dishwasher.  As I mentioned in my page about why women themselves believe they are frigid, she thinks just "one more thing" will turn her into a bedroom dynamo.
I am also angry with myself, for letting things get this bad.  I really don't know how or why my wife lost interest in me, but I should have done more to either make her know how upset I was a couple of years earlier.
So, yes, occasionally I am that angry guy.  If you are reading this, and you're frigid, please understand that your man will eventually leave you for someone who will show him love.

Why does SHE put up with this?

While pondering my latest isolation in my Fortress of Involuntary Solitude, I started wondering something:  why does my wife seem to have no problem with being frigid?  Why does this crummy, arms-length relationship suit her?  Why are things like this?  I certainly don't want them this way; does she?  When I first started trying to fix things, I expected her either to completely go off the handle, revealing how much she actually loathed me, or tell me how much she missed intimacy, too. Instead, if you will forgive the pun, she half-a$$ed it. She tries to get by with the least amount of efforts, hoping I will shut up and go away. It still makes no sense.
I have come up with a few explanations.
1) There is another man.
This seemed like the most logical explanation, at least at first.  If someone's never hungry for dinner, so to speak, maybe it's because she's getting a big snack in the afternoon.  I figured she was committing adultery, which lessened her desire for me.
After a lot of effort...I can't say I know for certain she was, or was not, though I think not.  I found out she was leading on a lot of men years earlier, but that may have been all.  (Not that that excuses it).  I couldn't afford the private detective, but I did find out on a lot of occasions when I was suspicious, nothing went on.  If she was unfaithful, it is probably done now, and I will probably never know for sure.  At this point, she has so little free time, and she so rarely leaves the house, I think (at least now) nothing is going on.
If she is having an affair, I would think at some point she would just leave me for him.  Then again, maybe not.
I have read from other frigid women that this is very common for husbands in my situation to think.  It is hard to imagine someone not wanting sex at all, but maybe that's her.
2) She is actually a lesbian.
I am sure this seems preposterous to a lot of people.  Like the thought that she was cheating on me, this one is not based on direct evidence at all.  I just wondered if she wasn't interested in me, was it because she really wanted to be with another woman?  Was I, so to speak, cooking a sausage for someone who really liked tacos?
I have no evidence her door is swinging the other way.  If she is gay, she's hiding it pretty well.
3) She is not interested in sex, but enjoys having me as a meal ticket
This may be the most likely explanation.  If she doesn't actually ever want sex, and can go months at a time without it, the rest of the relationship makes sense.  She doesn't have to be around me, except during meals.  She can either stay at home or work at a do-nothing job, in which her biggest responsibility is to stand around gossiping with her friends.  She can still go on nice vacations, eat good meals, and spend a buttload of time with her shallow friends.  At night, she has a warm place to curl up to watch TV or play on the stupid Internet.  She does not need to ever spend time with her husband, and certainly not make love with him.
 To be frank, I think I would rather have #1 or #2 be true, find out about it, and just get things over with.  At least I would have a good public excuse for being upset with her or leaving her, and she would be likely to leave me eventually.  If #3 is true, the status quo will always be acceptable to her, and I will look like the villain in trying to change things.  Most importantly, if #3 is the reason, I have no excuse for having a wife that doesn't want me to touch her.

Money and Other Women...?

There seem to be only two triggers to get my wife to pay attention to me:  spending money, and the interest of other women in me.
She shows interest if I buy something really expensive:  a new car, a new TV, put down money for vacation, etc.  It doesn't have to be money spent on her; the most attention I have gotten from her in years was when I took her with me to buy some new suits.  Obviously, I can't use this angle to resolve our problems.  If I buy expensive stuff all the time, we'll go broke.
She will also pay attention if another woman seems interested in me.  Nothing quite gets her head turned like another chick prowling around.  I suppose there are times this could be useful.  Most of her friends have no interest in me, but there is one that can always be counted on to keep things interesting.  If I was like many men, I would have just boinked the heck out of her a year ago. However, I'm not that guy, and I don't want to be.
This friend of hers is super kind to me.  There are many times when the four of us (two wives and two husbands) are out, and I will ask my wife to do something ("Please pass the napkins, dear, would you?") and her friend is the one that complies.  When we go somewhere, she doesn't walk with her husband, or sit with him; she always seems to be sitting next to me.  Sometimes it is a little awkward.  She stands so close to me that I can feel her arm hair; she has really hairy arms for a woman.  Despite her arms, she is actually kind of pretty, and has a better figure than my own wife.  She's not the belle of the ball, but she does motivate the missus to act better.  I used to think that I should offer her friend money just to come over to our house every few days.
Sadly, neither of these ideas really solve the core problem.  My wife should be interested in me when I'm not plunking down a big roll of dough or getting hit on by a check-out girl.  Those occasions do not come around often enough to make a difference.

Dinner and...a Snooze

Tomorrow night, the missus has promised to go out to eat at a nice restaurant, just the two of us.  This was one promise made as part of the birthday-panic she had after realizing, for whatever reason, that she had botched things that day.  Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of hope.  First, she picked a day in which she will to get up very early for work.  She'll be tired by the time we get to the restaurant.  Second, she chose to go stay out late tonight with her frigid girlfriends (the Fridigidaires, maybe?).  (Yes, I have it on good report that they are.  That is a topic for another post).  She'll be exhausted.
As with most any of our other disappointments, this was entirely avoidable.  She could have easily picked another night, especially one in which she wasn't sleep deprived or working a long shift.  She could have chosen to schedule her girls' night some other evening, or, again, knowing she would be out late tonight, selected another night for dinner.
Tomorrow night, having pulled out all the stops and spent a big wad of moolah, she'll grumpily wolf down a huge meal in silence, then pass out once we get home.  If she does offer to do something at home, I'll regret taking her up on it.  No romance, no physical fun, just an expensive meal and a stuffed shrew.

Never mind...back to the iceberg

In my last post, I mentioned that my wife had made a flurry of promises regarding romance and intimacy.  I thought maybe this would be a new beginning.  Well, I think I've been had.
The promised intimacy did occur -- sort of.  Well, without being intimate.  She approached it as a soldier who has to do her duty, regardless of the danger to her TV schedule.  Given how bad sex with her usually is, this experience was actually better than average.  Then again, I'm pretty sure she was not happy to be doing it; just fulfilling her obligation.
From that point, it hasn't gone well.  The proposed romantic restaurant dinner is still on, but there were a lot of attempts to back out of it.  What a shame.  Tonight, I tried to snuggle up to her.  Not anything more -- just some huddling together of the kind that pop psychologists say women really want.  Not my woman, anyway.  She shot me down because she said she wanted to concentrate on a new episode of a reality show (Top Chef Seattle, I think) and didn't want to "talk" or "be distracted."  Ouch.