Why Are Women Frigid?
Why, exactly, are many women emotionally and physically cold and frigid? I will look at each of the popular theories.
One explanation is that women (and men, as well) that have problems with physical intimacy is that they have experienced a psychological trauma in the past that gets in the way. This trauma may manifest itself in many different ways, and can be caused by many different events. Sexual assualts, abusive parents, receiving horrible news after an intimate experience can all leave a scar emotionally.
I do not disagree that this is a major problem for a lot of people, men as well as women. However, I have a large problem with this as an explanation for true frigidity. One, psychological trauma can affect people on practially anything; intimacy is merely one possible manifestation, and there is nothing unique about this kind of troulbe to intimacy. I really think this explanation belongs in a totally different category. Two, one assumes that people affected with a psychological problem really want to be intimate, but have bad associations with any such contact. With frigid people (particularly women), this just does not seem to be the case.
Perhaps the most common explanation for frigidity is the "just-one-more-thing" theory. In this theory, the circumstances in a frigid woman's life conspire to keep her from wanting to have sex. A hard day at work, whiny kids, and a sweaty husband and a drafty house all contribute to a woman not wanting to be touched by her husband. If these little irritations are taken away, she is just as physical and warm as any other woman. I call this theory the "just-one-little-thing" explanation: if just one more little annoyance is removed, everything will be resolved. If only her husband would take a quick shower, or rub her shoulders a little, or sweep the floor once, the ice-cold frigidity will melt like snow on a warm spring day. More than a few well-credentialed therapists espouse this. Almost every frigid woman on the Internet who blogs and writes about this firmly believes this. My own wife certainly holds this as gospel.
And they are all completely wrong.
A little common sense would put this away. First, if there really was just one more little thing, or even just a few little petty items, that would liberate a woman to be warm, these little things wouldn't get in the way constantly. Some days are certainly better than others, and these problems won't happen all the time. If the fact that, say, the work day was long, or the kids were a little whiny, was really all that gets in the way, she would not feel frigid on other days. If she feels tired and overwhelmed on Monday, but does not on Tuesday, then by this explanation she should feel like making love on a Tuesday. But anyone who has been with a frigid woman knows that this just doesn't happen. There is just one little thing, one little annoyance, every single day. Can anyone rationally say that there can be some little different problem 350 days out of the year?
This idea is probably true for a lot of women who certainly feel less amorous as the years go by, but these women are not frigid. There is a world of difference between only wanting to make love seven or eight times a month and wanting to make love less than seven or eight times a year.
Second, from my own experience, and that of countless other husbands in my place, doing little extras to try and alleviate this is a giant waste of time. In fact, trying to fix whatever is wrong in many cases (like mine) actually makes things worse. After putting forth a great deal of effort to be nicer, or more helpful, or give his lady some time without the kids, and still not getting any affection from her, the man is likely to get even more resentful and angry. He tried to do exactly what his wife said would help, and wouldn't you know? She came up with new excuses.
I can see why frigid women would like this explanation. It relieves them of any deep doubts about themselves; in this theory, there is nothing wrong with them at all. If anything, it's everyone else's fault, particularly her husband's. If only he would shower at night, or pick up his socks more, she would want to shower him with affection. I call this theory "one more little thing" because, no matter what her man does, there is always just one more little thing that stands between the woman and intimacy. If I had a nickel every time I read that line of reasoning on the Internet, I'd be a millionaire.
Even some professionals who should know better subscribe to this line of thinking. I've heard of husbands going into therapy trying to fix the problem being told that they should simply be nicer to their wives, and want to have sex less. That's like taking your car in to a mechanic because it won't run right and being told to drive it less and turn up the radio so you won't hear the engine rattle.
My wife has an ocean of excuses, and I think she really believes them. One night, her feet are sore. The next, her feet are fine, but the house is too cold. The next, the temerature is fine, but there's a good TV show on. Some of them, if they weren't so sad, would be funny.
The Man is a Terrible Lover
"There are no frigid women; just men who are terrible lovers." This theory holds that the man is just awful at fulfilling a woman's desires. This theory seems to be held only by men; it is obvious why. It fits with our view -- or at least the one we project in public -- that physical love is like a sport. Some people -- those with better physical attractiveness -- are better at it then others.
Though this is probably a little closer to the truth than the "just one more thing" theory, the reasons frigid women give their husbands -- and, more importantely, themselves -- never include things like "he kissed me too hard."
Respect for Her Man
We now come to what I believe is the most likely explanation for why most women are frigid. A woman that does not respect her man -- either what he does, how he provides, or some other fashion -- will not find him attractive. We men are hard-wired to judge a woman's attractiveness by what she looks like -- her youth, her health, and certainly her figure -- and women are hard-wired to judge a man by his status: money, power, charisma, leadership, social strata, etc. It may sound shallow, but I think it is 100% true. A woman wants a man to lift her up to his social level; if she has achieved more, he is dragging her down. If a woman does not respect her man in this way, she is not going to want to sleep with him.
This is why women will sleep with some charismatic drunk that occasionally beats her, but have no interest in the meek fellow who is perfectly wonderful to her that works at the library. The drunk has leadership potential, even if there is no way he can achieve it. Women will throw themselves at an ancient drug-addled rock star, but not the guy that helps her fix her garage door.
There are plenty of psychologists that fully attest to this theory. Given their many antecdotes, I would agree. One said that a woman has to be in a "submissive" mood in order to feel amorous. Unfortunately, a woman who is trying to be bossy, or who simply feels that her husband isn't up to spec, will not want to "submit" to love.
I hate to face the horrible fact, but I do not think my wife respects me. In little ways, she simply treats me worse than hired help. When she borrows my car, it comes back with no gas, and garbage in the seats. Given how much she knows I hate having a messy car, it's that much worse. Until I raised a stink about it, she used to run into me deliberately in the kitchen. If I was getting something out of the fridge, she would ram herself into my back and bellow "EXCUSE ME." It was not "excuse me," like someone was sorry for accidentally running into someone; it was the entitled "excuse me," as in "I can't believe you're standing where I clearly have higher priority." She hardly ever says "please" or "thank you," and she never says she's sorry. If my car breaks down or I otherwise need a favor, I can guarantee that she will b!t%$, and moan, and whine, and sigh loudly, and complain that my misfortune has put her out, even if all she has to do is pick me up on her way home from work. In fact, there is no favor that I can ask of her, even tiny ones -- getting me a beer, handing me something next to her, getting the phone -- that will not be done with some ugly remark, if she bothers to do it at all. I think she has this deep-seated sense of entitlement that she was supposed to live in a castle in luxery and never work or do household chores.
One time she had the gall to say "I ask so little of you, and yet you still disappoint me." After I exploded at that, she sort of backed down, but didn't explain what she meant.
So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?
The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.