So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?

The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.

Why Women are Frigid

Why Are Women Frigid?

Why, exactly, are many women emotionally and physically cold and frigid?  I will look at each of the popular theories.

Psychological Trauma
One explanation is that women (and men, as well) that have problems with physical intimacy is that they have experienced a psychological trauma in the past that gets in the way.  This trauma may manifest itself in many different ways, and can be caused by many different events.  Sexual assualts, abusive parents, receiving horrible news after an intimate experience can all leave a scar emotionally.
I do not disagree that this is a major problem for a lot of people, men as well as women.  However, I have a large problem with this as an explanation for true frigidity.  One, psychological trauma can affect people on practially anything; intimacy is merely one possible manifestation, and there is nothing unique about this kind of troulbe to intimacy.  I really think this explanation belongs in a totally different category.  Two, one assumes that people affected with a psychological problem really want to be intimate, but have bad associations with any such contact.  With frigid people (particularly women), this just does not seem to be the case.

Perhaps the most common explanation for frigidity is the "just-one-more-thing" theory.  In this theory, the circumstances in a frigid woman's life conspire to keep her from wanting to have sex.  A hard day at work, whiny kids, and a sweaty husband and a drafty house all contribute to a woman not wanting to be touched by her husband.  If these little irritations are taken away, she is just as physical and warm as any other woman.  I call this theory the "just-one-little-thing" explanation:  if just one more little annoyance is removed, everything will be resolved.  If only her husband would take a quick shower, or rub her shoulders a little, or sweep the floor once, the ice-cold frigidity will melt like snow on a warm spring day.  More than a few well-credentialed therapists espouse this.  Almost every frigid woman on the Internet who blogs and writes about this firmly believes this.  My own wife certainly holds this as gospel.
And they are all completely wrong.
A little common sense would put this away.  First, if there really was just one more little thing, or even just a few little petty items, that would liberate a woman to be warm, these little things wouldn't get in the way constantly.  Some days are certainly better than others, and these problems won't happen all the time.  If the fact that, say, the work day was long, or the kids were a little whiny, was really all that gets in the way, she would not feel frigid on other days.  If she feels tired and overwhelmed on Monday, but does not on Tuesday, then by this explanation she should feel like making love on a Tuesday.  But anyone who has been with a frigid woman knows that this just doesn't happen.  There is just one little thing, one little annoyance, every single day.  Can anyone rationally say that there can be some little different problem 350 days out of the year?
This idea is probably true for a lot of women who certainly feel less amorous as the years go by, but these women are not frigid.  There is a world of difference between only wanting to make love seven or eight times a month and wanting to make love less than seven or eight times a year.
Second, from my own experience, and that of countless other husbands in my place, doing little extras to try and alleviate this is a giant waste of time.  In fact, trying to fix whatever is wrong in many cases (like mine) actually makes things worse.  After putting forth a great deal of effort to be nicer, or more helpful, or give his lady some time without the kids, and still not getting any affection from her, the man is likely to get even more resentful and angry.  He tried to do exactly what his wife said would help, and wouldn't you know?  She came up with new excuses.
I can see why frigid women would like this explanation.  It relieves them of any deep doubts about themselves; in this theory, there is nothing wrong with them at all.  If anything, it's everyone else's fault, particularly her husband's.  If only he would shower at night, or pick up his socks more, she would want to shower him with affection.  I call this theory "one more little thing" because, no matter what her man does, there is always just one more little thing that stands between the woman and intimacy.  If I had a nickel every time I read that line of reasoning on the Internet, I'd be a millionaire.
Even some professionals who should know better subscribe to this line of thinking.  I've heard of husbands going into therapy trying to fix the problem being told that they should simply be nicer to their wives, and want to have sex less.  That's like taking your car in to a mechanic because it won't run right and being told to drive it less and turn up the radio so you won't hear the engine rattle.
My wife has an ocean of excuses, and I think she really believes them.  One night, her feet are sore.  The next, her feet are fine, but the house is too cold.  The next, the temerature is fine, but there's a good TV show on.  Some of them, if they weren't so sad, would be funny.

The Man is a Terrible Lover
"There are no frigid women; just men who are terrible lovers."  This theory holds that the man is just awful at fulfilling a woman's desires.  This theory seems to be held only by men; it is obvious why.  It fits with our view -- or at least the one we project in public -- that physical love is like a sport.  Some people -- those with better physical attractiveness -- are better at it then others.
Though this is probably a little closer to the truth than the "just one more thing" theory, the reasons frigid women give their husbands -- and, more importantely, themselves -- never include things like "he kissed me too hard."

Respect for Her Man
We now come to what I believe is the most likely explanation for why most women are frigid.  A woman that does not respect her man -- either what he does, how he provides, or some other fashion -- will not find him attractive.  We men are hard-wired to judge a woman's attractiveness by what she looks like -- her youth, her health, and certainly her figure -- and women are hard-wired to judge a man by his status:  money, power, charisma, leadership, social strata, etc.  It may sound shallow, but I think it is 100% true.  A woman wants a man to lift her up to his social level; if she has achieved more, he is dragging her down.  If a woman does not respect her man in this way, she is not going to want to sleep with him.
This is why women will sleep with some charismatic drunk that occasionally beats her, but have no interest in the meek fellow who is perfectly wonderful to her that works at the library.  The drunk has leadership potential, even if there is no way he can achieve it.  Women will throw themselves at an ancient drug-addled rock star, but not the guy that helps her fix her garage door.
There are plenty of psychologists that fully attest to this theory.  Given their many antecdotes, I would agree.  One said that a woman has to be in a "submissive" mood in order to feel amorous.  Unfortunately, a woman who is trying to be bossy, or who simply feels that her husband isn't up to spec, will not want to "submit" to love.
I hate to face the horrible fact, but I do not think my wife respects me.  In little ways, she simply treats me worse than hired help.  When she borrows my car, it comes back with no gas, and garbage in the seats.  Given how much she knows I hate having a messy car, it's that much worse.  Until I raised a stink about it, she used to run into me deliberately in the kitchen.  If I was getting something out of the fridge, she would ram herself into my back and bellow "EXCUSE ME."  It was not "excuse me," like someone was sorry for accidentally running into someone; it was the entitled "excuse me," as in "I can't believe you're standing where I clearly have higher priority."  She hardly ever says "please" or "thank you," and she never says she's sorry.  If my car breaks down or I otherwise need a favor, I can guarantee that she will b!t%$, and moan, and whine, and sigh loudly, and complain that my misfortune has put her out, even if all she has to do is pick me up on her way home from work.  In fact, there is no favor that I can ask of her, even tiny ones -- getting me a beer, handing me something next to her, getting the phone -- that will not be done with some ugly remark, if she bothers to do it at all.  I think she has this deep-seated sense of entitlement that she was supposed to live in a castle in luxery and never work or do household chores.
One time she had the gall to say "I ask so little of you, and yet you still disappoint me."  After I exploded at that, she sort of backed down, but didn't explain what she meant.


  1. I think you under estimate the psychological trauma portion. This is generally the real reason people have trouble with intimacy.

    Lack of respect is another contributing factor, but that doesn't cause general intimacy problems, just problems with a specific person. (From how you describe your wife, she wouldn't enjoy sex with anyone, its not just you, not that that's any consolation.)

    The man being a terrible lover isn't really anything except for men being self conscious. A woman who enjoys sex can work with her partner to figure out what works for both of them. I mean if a woman enjoys sex, and the man is willing to please they'll figure it out.

    The "Just One More Thing" this isn't a reason for being frigid, its a way that it manifests. It's a defense mechanism. You are correct, in that its a way for people to latch on to external factors to avoid dealing with their own issues. A draft house is no reason for a couple not to warm each other up.

    So back to the psychological trauma. This is real, and this is actually very common. From what you describe your wife shows all the signs of having been abused in some way or another, and probably isn't even aware of it. I don't mean she has repressed memories, just that it sounds like she may have been abused in some way and never recognized it for what it was. It sounds like she's taken the defense mechanisms she's learned from those past situations and has been applying it to her current situation because she doesn't know any different.

    She really needs counseling. There's not much you can do if she won't get help for herself. You can help motivate her to go to counseling though.

    Talk to her about it. Ask her to go. If she refuses lay out the ultimatum: "If you don't go to counseling and figure out what is going on this relationship isn't going to work." kind of thing.

    Also the longer it takes for her to address her issues, the harder it becomes for you to be empathetic. Every time she hurts you, and pushes you away it breeds resentment and anger. If you build up too much resentment, it will be very difficult for you to be supportive if she ever does attempt to really address her issues.

    If she won't do it, there's nothing you can do and there's no point in you sticking around and being hurt. If there's no intimacy, no compassion, and I don't mean just sex (but including sex), then you're not helping anyone. Your not modeling a positive relationship for the kids, and they're going to end up having similar intimacy issues of their own.

    I speak from experience, I find myself in a very similar situation, but I refuse to accept the status quo. You shouldn't accept it either.

    1. This sounds great on the face of it, and I agree with the general concept, but for years I suggested counseling and she refused, saying there was "nothing wrong with her." What sucked is that my insurance would have paid for it all.

      I finally went by myself and the first (lesbian) therapist told me it was clear that I must be a terrible lover, and that my wife was certainly "being fulfilled" by another man who "was more in tune with her physical needs!" Bitch.

      So, the other 30+ women I was with before I got married thought I was great in the sack, but I just couldn't hack it with my wife, right.

      Finally, at a time when I didn't have insurance, last year, I FINALLY convinced my wife that we had to seek couples counseling. Turns out the problem is that she has so many household chores to do that it didn't leave her any time to feel "initimate", so now the only thing that's changed is that I do virtually ALL the household work, including shopping, preparing and serving dinner every night, then cleaning up, and continue to have even less sex.

      I'm filled with rage and frustration, and have just about had enough. I'm down to feeling just some general affection for my wife, but can't say I feel love for her any longer. I'm just supposed to accept a dead-end sexless marriage as the norm.

      Oh, my favorite thing is that she regularly attends "pleasure parties" put on by her friends, and spends boatloads of $ on vibrators, and lotions, and books, then comes home and it all goes right into the garbage. It's so important to her to convince her girlfriends that she's just a regular f*&^bunny, but the truth is far different.

      I refuse to do anything socially with her anymore, because in the presence of her friends and co-workers and their husbands she is full of sexual innuendo, and flirting and holding hands with me and veiled references to oral sex, etc., etc., ad nauseum, but when we get home the sexy evening dress is exchanged for knee high socks, granny panties, a stretched out ugly bra, and a throat to floor heavy nightgown. Tell me, WHO sleeps in a bra???

      We all get what we deserve I guess, so this is mine. If I had any balls left I would pack up and leave, but without two incomes neither of us will have squat. Guess it gets down to what I want more.

  2. Here's a good link about the trauma side of it.

  3. I don't wish to suggest that trauma is not a common cause of intimacy problems, nor do I want to suggest that it is not very serious and very real. I truly feel sorry for anyone who has been through something so awful that he or she does not want to touch another human being. If anyone has suffered a trauma that prevents him from intimacy, I don't ever want to be insensitive to that. I put trauma in a separate class from the other commonly suggested causes because
    1) It is, I would think, a pretty easily identifiable cause. Not to be insensitive, but I would think someone who has been affected by something this awful is fully aware of it. There are scads of frigid women who can't really explain why they don't want intimacy or physical contact.
    2) There are plenty of people who have NOT had trauma, yet are frigid,
    3) That particular cause is really beyond the scope of this, and I really don't have any good experience for someone in that boat. This blog is about all the other reasons that a woman might be frigid. I don't think this is why my own wife is the way she is.

    Why don't I think my wife has suffered a horrible trauma? First of all, she has never ever mentioned anything like that, though I wouldn't be surprised if she was simply keeping it from me. Second of all, there was a period when she really had no trouble with intimacy at all. She was far more voracious earlier in our marriage. I don't want anyone to think I am bragging, but there were two weekends within the first few months that we had sex ten times (literally). For those who think that might be wonderful, to be honest boinking ten times in forty-eight hours is really too much of a good thing. Even eight or nine times was really too much. Most weekends we did it at least twice on Saturday and Sunday. There were no complaints, and she was usually the initiator. So, I know she had it in her at some point.

  4. You are right. Women want a man to give her more status, wealth, importance, etc. If you can't do this in her eyes, she doesn't want you sexually. She also will see herself as better than you and try to claim the reigns of the relationship. The rest of you who disagree with this are just blind morons - men and women. Women are definitely human and very self-centered.

  5. I agree with True Vision. Please read below the wisdom of Chris Rock.


    "Guys, if you lose your job, you will lose your woman. Because nothing makes a woman's vagina dry up faster than her having to reach for her wallet. In fact, it's almost like the wallet sends a signal to the vagina, that this man is not worth getting wet for"


    "Men cannot go backwards sexually, & women cannot go backwards in lifestyle. If a woman has dated a man who had a car, every man she dates from then on, has to have a car. If she dated a man who took her on vacation, yo' *** better take her on a vacation too. She'll tell you right on the first date, "Hey, this is passport pu$$y" "

  6. You have my sincere sympathy. I'm in a similar place. Sex once every month or two. Sometimes we go longer than that without. Two years after the kids were born... There's always some problem, headache, worried about work, muscle pains, migraine...

    I feel she does love me, but there is no physical affection. No touching, hugging without me instigating it. Very occasionally she'll give me a very amorous kiss.

    Currently we're 6 weeks without. I was actually sick with flu a couple of days ago, and she told me she wanted me that night, so it was my fault I missed the opportunity!

    Problem is, I'm crazy about her. We get on so well otherwise. I moved countries to be with her, and she was so romantic at first. We have two young children who are my world.

    Aieee... well, I won't tire you with the whole story. I'm sure it would all be very familiar.

    Just wanted to tell you you're not alone. Wishing you all the best,

  7. I feel your pain. One thing I can tell you is that it is NOT going to get any better. My "wife" and I have not been intimate for years. Years!!! If it wasn't for our daughter I would have left. I've actually had to go into a mental hospital for depression it has gotten so bad! She simply doesn't care. Period. I know it's not a situation that is my fault, although over the years she's used god knows how many lame excuses that usually indicit me. Sometimes I feel so trapped that I just want to give up and die. I won't, though. We've gone to a marriage counselor once, but she refused to believe there was a problem. I've started having affairs, not because I am that kind of guy, but out of sheer frustration. This is dissatisfying too, because when we see first married, everything was great and we were very much in love. After the child was born, everything drastically changed.

    1. You speak my mind bro. So frustrating. I just made final attempt to make love with, you wife this night, I was turned down as usual. Although affairs does not give satisfaction and love one craves for, it sure gives release of seven. So I got something going for me. Cheers

  8. Interesting blog, thank you. However, I think situations like yours are more nuanced than having a single magic-bullet reason.

    I have lived in a sexless marriage for over six years and have analysed, contemplated, attempted to work through and discuss the reasons with my wife without any resolution at all.

    I am convinced the issues are more in her mind than her body but that generally speaking a low-sex drive is a contributory factor.

    There are two broad reasons women have sex - one of through a natural drive and need, and the other through choice and decision. If the drive isn't there it makes it easier for the woman to choose not to have sex if there are other issues.

    In the case of my wife I believe she doesn't want to have sex because of the vulnerability it entails. She wishes to remain in control of herself at all times and over the years this issue has become a complex that chokes off any chance of sex and intimacy.

    And I believe she doesn't wish to talk about the situation for the same reason. Opening up about her emotions and vulnerabilities is a step too far for her. Which is tragic for both of us and anyone else in the same situation.

    Now where that refusal to show vulnerability comes from is the nuanced bit. Could be trauma, could be personality, could be upbringing, could be genetics, could be the relationship. However in my opinion it most likely is a mix of any or all of these.

    Another woman with the same complex issues would still have sex because she has the basic drive to do so. But it is the combination of a low sex drive and a fear of intimacy that is deadly.

    I do hope your situation improves, good luck.

    1. I suppose there are many reasons that a woman would not respect her husband. I think it is possible many things could push her to not respecting her husband -- money issues, physical attraction, lack of trust. I would say that a lack of respect is the cause of her frigidity, but that some other cause or causes -- money issues, not being assertive with her, physical attractivness, etc. -- is the root of her lack of respect. Whatever the source of her discontent, a woman who does not respect her husband will not want to sleep with him.
      I would bet you are right about her not wanting to be vulnerable. My own wife shows signs of that. I hope you will forgive me for speculating when I don't know your wife at all, but I think the deeper question is: why doesn't she want to be vulnerable? Perhaps she doesn't see you as being worthy or trustworthy enough to make herself vulnerable, even if that is total bunk. She does not want to be out of control because something in the back of her mind doesn't want to be intimate with you.
      If I may take things a little further, I have come to believe that most frigid women really do have a sex drive. They simply do not want to have sex with the man to whom they're married. I am currently trying to turn this around with my wife, and numerous sources, including actual frigid women, have said much the same thing.

    2. Oh, and good luck to you, too. If things do turn around, I will definitely share whatever I can on this blog.

    3. I agree with what Colin Bray posted.It makes sense and sounds exactly like my situation. I also think that a woman exhibiting a lack of respect for her spouse has gotten to a point with her man where she doesn't want him any more and that's what starts the lack of respect...lack of respect is not the cause of not wanting sex, it's the RESULT of not wanting sex.

    4. Hi, apologies for the delay in replying, Lonely Armadillo.

      I think we simply disagree about the respect question, at least as it applies to my marriage. While of course it is true that lack of respect CAN cause the absence of sexual interest I wouldn't make this as universal a reason as you suggest.

      I do agree that nearly all women have a sex drive but would add that the sexual continuum for women is much wider than it is for men. Some women physically need sex regular, hard and often while others would say a kiss and cuddle is all they ever need.

      To an extent that's fine, everyone is different. However as a man with a high sex drive I do know that if I had been told I would be celibate for over six years on the day my relationship started I wouldn't have gone any further. But I'm here now and will make the best of it.

      I hope things have improved for you?

      Oh, and thanks 'hello' for your message :)

  9. LOVE is the magic WAN to heal ANY hurt or wound ANYWHERE. What then is LOVE? Care and Patience MUST accompany.

    A Frigid person HAS BEEN ABUSED, Period. Frigidity does not just occure, It starts as Resentment and grows through time. At maturity it Locks up the related nerves and related organs.

    LOVE is a lifting Spirit. It is the Desire to lift, To make better. Love is Divine Service. CARE is what makes LOVE real. Divinity is expressed as/in patience. LOVE gives; Care is concerned; Patience is knowledgeable endurance.

    REASON OUT ALL OF THE ABOVE JAGON OF MINE; APPLY, AND THE RESULT WILL SHOCK YOU WITH JOY in knowing how to (Live On Variable Emotions); notice the acronym. Chauuuu.

    Please if my contribution fails Blame my Master. He is online in 9Jah 24/7 @ 803JEHOVAH. If network problems hinder connection, try

  10. "A Frigid person HAS BEEN ABUSED, Period." I am sorry, but it's just not true. A lot of other people believe that, and I am sure there are plenty of people (men and women) who suffer from that. I am 100% positive that there are also plenty of people, including my wife, who are NOT in that boat.

  11. Hi.. This is not an isolated case...

    The difference between a man and a woman is given below:

    For a woman emotions are top priority than sex and it is the other way for a man.

    So husband should get into her heart to achieve his destination.

    The wife can get her emotions satisfied only if the husband is satisfied.

    So in any relationship these factors are two parallel rails on which the train called marriage is moving... And it is important to maintain these rails without any deviation from one another.

    This is the way we at India were advised by our elders through many years...

    Patience is the key for both the sexes...

  12. Well, I haven't read my scenario so I will give some input and confuse everyone even more. I've never liked having my personal space invaded, even as a child sitting in a circle in reading class, 6 years old, didn't like it when another kid was bumping into me or knocking me in the back, etc. As far as early teens, I couldn't wait to find out what it was like to kiss, and I gave it a shot with several boys, but I never got anything out of it, and it was gross if someone didn't have fresh breath. I was always worried about bad breath of my own, and had mints or gum. I ended up giving out more candy than kissing. When I fell in love, about 19 years old, we'd kiss, and it was ok, he was a good kisser, no slobbering and he didn't have bad breath. We dated quite awhile, and I was really afraid, but we finally did have sex. It only lasted a few seconds, so I figured the reason I didn't feel much of anything, other than the intial discomfort of 1st time, was due to the fact it didn't last long. We obviously tried again, and each time, even though with practice it was longer, I never felt anything...I mean I obviously felt physical contact, but it didn't feel good, it didn't feel bad, it just didn't feel like anything. He might just as well have been rubbing against any other part of my body, a foot or elbow, for all I cared. Since then, many years have passed, and I have tried having sex with someone supposedly very good at pleasing women, someone else I loved dearly, and even a few friends, and all had the same result, I have never felt anything, never had an orgasm, never had desire for more, and really couldn't wait for it to be over. In fact, with my 1st love, he was so ticked off at not being able to make me "go crazy" he would try so much, it actually started to make me nauseous. Fast forward to now, I have not been in any relationships for many years, and I have no desire at all and do not even think about sex or orgasms, I guess I have given up. I would like to acutally meet someone that feels the same way though, so I was online looking to put a name to this condition. Do I need to find a man with erectile dysfunction? Maybe not, just because it isn't working doesn't mean a man doesn't want it to work, or get some pleasure somehow. So what is my condition called? Is it frigid? Is it asexual? Is it mild aspergers? I have no idea what to call it. I do have emotions, I can cry at a sad movie, I can hug someone that I love, but I do not like much more than hugging, and I definitely do not like sex. To me sex is something I had to endure to please the man. As far as any childhood trauma that brought this on, sorry but no trauma here. I have always felt this way, and even more interesting, it might be genetic, because my mother and grandmother were the same way. So...what are your theories now professional head shrinks?

  13. are you me? I swear reading your blog that it could have been written by my own hand!! lol.

    My wife is frigid. Affection? No way. way...maybe once a fortnight with a sigh and a "if you want it u better hurry up". Nice. Like most of you poor suckers I really love her but that doesn't matter a damn to her. I 100% agree it is the respect thing. And also they use sex as a weapon. Think about it. It is twisted and machivellian but seems to be hard wired into some womens minds. I actually left my wife a few years back and lo and behold to win me everyday, but more than that, the sweet affectionate, caring person, who asked how I was came back, but then when I came back...the frigid bitch came So many of us go through hell with this, why? coz society has told us to be monogamous? So we have to leave our homes, our children, our pets, everything ...just coz our wives have a problem with affection? Its disgusting and I genuinely believe it is a form of domestic (mental) abuse.

    1. Frigid women are also emotionally barren. In other words they turn into bitches.

    2. you guys are ridiculous...hahah.
      I'm a woman, and a virgin, at 25, so wouldn't know about how frigid I really am..but I can see that you guys know nothing about women.
      If you expect a woman to think and act like a man, forget might as well divorce, and be gay.
      I can speak for myself, mostly, but this is generally true for a lot of women..I personally never feel attracted by guys that act all pushy/rough/impatient/demanding.
      Displays of quiet tenderness and affection will open a woman up to feel secure and fully trusting, which is the basis for a physical relationship.
      Also if your behavior is nasty towards her, belittling, taking her for granted, demanding her body as if it were her obligation, no wonder she wants nothing to do with you.
      Oh, and remember, women are very good at reading point in buying her a gift if you obviously can't wait to get into bed with her..
      Be patient, and ask her what she likes, make her feel safe, and listen to what she says, it may take more work, but it'll be worth it..last but not least, take care of yourself, physically...women care about those things just as much as men do

  14. A friend of mine recently told me that he and his wife had just had their "anniversary" -- of not having sex for an entire year. I personally know several other examples of such "relationships", always with nice guys who steadily provide but are not millionaires. Mind you, NONE of these men are drunk bums who beat their women. They really are the nice, helpful guys who get treated like shit -- as though they're a failure for "only" providing and being nice, and not getting into trouble with the law etc.

    Luckily, I've so far been spared that fate, although I'd never marry anyway, let alone have kids. But the respect part is most definitely the accurate explanation and the root cause is a pathological sense of entitlement.

    If I may posit an additional explanation for these women's sense of entitlement, I believe it's rooted in the (very common) inability to distinguish between mere fantasy and genuine wish. It's really quite perverted when you look at it: She didn't marry you, she married her own fantasy. You just happened to fit within the coordinates of her fantasy at the time. Now that her fantasy has become more specific (and of course, unreachable) of living in a millionaire castle etc, you simply don't match those coordinates anymore -- through no fault of yours. She just NEVER really loved YOU. She was in love with her fantasy, not with you. To her, you are now but a stranger who is intruding on her fantasy space: "Why can't you be the go-getter rich guy I'm fantasizing about?!"

    On the flipside, these frigid women are people who have no actual sense of what they want, let alone of what they truly need. And everything they can actually have, they spit on it.

  15. Wow, thanks for starting this and all who have written here. I don't feel quite so alone, still not sure how to change my marriage. Not a great fan/believer in "luck".

  16. My first wife was FANTASTIC in bed, and on the floor, and on the kitchen table, and in the park, and in the movie theatre, etc. etc. We had our problems, but none of them were "too little sex". I loved that woman more than life itself. We had been married for 6 years and everything (I thought) was going so well. I was devastated when, after the boob job she had so desperately wanted all her life, within 3 months she left me for Dr. Ray. His big house overlooking the valley, his huge boat, his Harley Davidson motorcycle and various dirt-bikes, the expensive vacations and big parties couldn't save her from being found DEAD at the bottom of his basement stairs after a night of drinking and fighting just 4 years later. (Still considered a SUSPICIOUS DEATH, no charges filed.)

    I met my present wife at work, we developed a close friendship right away. I considered her my best friend for over a year, then I asked her out and she moved in with me a month later. We had a wonderfully open and honest relationship. We had sex almost every day and not just alone. We had "partied" intimately with a couple of my good male friends, we had sex with 3 of her bi-sexual girlfriends and there were even a few strangers thrown in there over the years. We even went on vacation with one of her bi-girlfriends for 2 weeks in Hawaii...and we PARTIED heavily.

    After 3 years living together, I finally succumbed to her fairly constant requests of getting married. After all, she was definitely my soul-mate and we had shared everything and often!

    My trouble (our trouble) began THE DAY OF THE WEDDING, almost twenty-two years ago. Our wedding night was just weird. And as soon as we got home from the honeymoon things went from weird to damn tragic.

    She started closing and crossing her legs during sex to prevent penetration, she complained about not enough fore-play, she got weird during foreplay, asking, "what are you doing?" when I'd perform oral sex on her, then she'd just start withdrawing to every touch or sexual advance I'd make. She refused to wear any of my recommendations when we'd go out, or wear anything I'd suggest when we were staying in. And this was just months after we got married. I couldn't understand how things had gone from a wild-and-crazy, open-and-honest, swinging and with an occasional orgy thrown this.

    I still love her and I know she loves me (our picture can be found in the dictionary under "co-dependent") but when I ask her "why not with me?" she says "I don't know."

    Over the years I've told her that it was the marriage that changed her, and I've threatened divorce a hundred times. We've been to counselling a dozen times and when we get to our intimacy issues she just quits.

    About 10 years ago she came to me with an affair she was contemplating. I had nothing to lose so I encouraged her to go forward with it, maybe it would bring her back to her sexuality. Didn't happen... the affair did, and it lasted about 8 years, but she's still frigid to me. The only reason the affair ended was I became enraged with the absurdity of the situation. I kept insisting "why not me?" and she just kept saying "I don't know"... with the final "okay, you want to do it, let's go do it RIGHT NOW!!!!!" That was the last conversation and the end to her affair, out of guilt I assume. That's been about 3 or 4 years ago. About 6 months ago, while we were laying in bed, I took her hand and placed it on my penis only to have her pull away about 5 seconds later. I guess it's REALLY bothering me now because I turn 60 this year. I used to drink quite a bit, and have been suicidal from time to time, but I'm still here...with my co-dependent soul-mate.

    I feel like I'm in a brother-sister marriage.

  17. The psychological trauma theory is BS. Most frigid women don't start out that way but a slight drop in testosterone will turn them into an ice cube with a hole in it.

    MD will not put them on testosterone because testosterone in small amounts reduces certain cancers and bone loss. It also make women less crazy. DO the math. Preventing crazy shit, cancer and osteoporosis is bad for business.

  18. Perhaps some women are just plain tired of having the same sexual partner after so many years (usually after a couple of years). The reason I say a couple of years is that it's just an average of how long the passion generally lasts. It's meant to induce sexual activity to procreate with the highest success rate. Once that's been fulfilled, then the "cuddle hormone" kicks in and sexual intimacy is reduced, but the caring and affection should still be there, and grow as time goes by. However, sexual intimacy should still be maintained in order to have a healthy relationship. Lack of intimacy could mean a number of things, from a loss of interest altogether, an affair, resentment, and of course psychological trauma. If it is from psychological trauma, then that needs to be take care of. If your partner cares about your relationship, they will go get help. It will take support and encouragement. On the other hand, it could also come from a hormonal imbalance from lack of exercise (which helps boost testosterone and overall well-being), obesity, lack of self-esteem or some embarrassing physical condition. Hope this helps.

  19. Many times trauma is repressed. Repression of sexual abuse in young children is common. In therapy or counseling, it is not unusual for memories to surface. Trauma, especially sexual, is the largest reason for sexual problems in women. Having said that, there is also validity to some of the other reasons mentioned here in some cases.

  20. Wow! Loneley Armadillo, you really have struck a chord that resonates for a lot of people! But we all have different ideas about what is going on. And I think it's different for different people. Even though nearly every woman has all the same body parts and therefore seems sort of similar to others, they can be very different on the inside. (The same goes for men of course).

    I have no doubt that some frigid women don't respect their husbands. And other frigid women were abused and haven't gotten over it. And still other frigid women have other things going on, like Anono mous whose wiring seems to just not be working.

    I got here because my marriage has similar problems but after reading about everyone else's problems mine pales by comparison. My wife simply doesn't feel sexual desire very often. When we have sex she seems to enjoy it but she won't seek it and although we do have sex about once per week, she is basically going out of her way to try to make me happy at that frequency. If it were up to her it would be more like once per month or less often. It seems to be simply a low sex drive. She has very little libido. But she is a good woman, a caring, thoughtful mother, and a great homemaker.

    Admittedly there are other problems related to relationships with people. We have been to marriage counselors and some of them - the ones who know how to listen - have actually helped somewhat. But the problem with sex will never be resolved.

    My wife and I have talked about all of this for many years. It is now pretty clear that there are significant biological differences between women. Some have more sex drive than others and it could very well be caused by differences in hormones. But she's not going to start taking hormone supplements. The asexuality website offers insights for people with less or no sexual drive: Asexuality itself is complicated.

    Then there are just differences in learned responses. Some women grew up in households where the man was loved and respected, my wife grew up in a household where the man was feared and despised. After 30 years of marriage she has gradually learned that I'm a nicer guy than her father but she will never get over the fears burned into her brain during her upbringing. (She says she was never physically abused and I believe it - the emotional abuse was enough in her case).

    The mind is a system with positive feedback loops. It develops itself based on all the things it experiences, and the positive feedbacks make it so that developing minds can head off - a long ways - in very different directions from each other. So even though we share a common physical location and common culture, some people's minds are in VERY different places than those of others.

    Thanks to Lonely Armadillo for courageously writing about this. There is no solution, particularly in our culture. Western monogamy just doesn't work well for guys married to women who don't want sex.

  21. An old couple that sleep in separate beds get frisky after
    coming home from the oyster bar. He invites his wife of
    sixty years over to his bed. She slowly gets out out of her
    bed and trips on her robe and falls. The husband quickly
    helps her up. "Oh sweetie pie. Did my little pumpkin
    wumpkin hurt her hiney winey?" He helps her into his bed
    and slowly screws her. Afterwards, she's going back to her
    bed and trips and falls again. He goes, "Clumsy whore!"

  22. Thanks to The Lonely Armadillo and all other posters on this thread.

    It's so hard to understand the deep-seated reasons and nuances of problem epistemology & etymology with attempted analysis of complex systems and convoluted personalities, and it's sometimes also hard to open up to others and share our feelings with the world; but sharing our best opinions and insights gained through experience is a great start. - If nothing else succeeds, that is already a success here.

    Let's try this:
    Every morning ask your wife (or husband) if you can make them coffee, tea, or breakfast, (or an evening meal), and then after they are served, put your hands on their shoulders and lean down and whisper in their ear:

    "I love you, and I want you to be happy. What would you like to do together today?"

    You may get a hostile reaction, but don't react to it, just keep saying this every single morning (or evening) when it is likely to be considered appropriate, until you get a positive response... and then continue to build a better relationship on that positive response.

  23. Thank you so much for your analysis and this blog! It's like reading about myself. I love my wife, and we have been married 30 years, but I knew I was in trouble when we didn't make love even ONCE on our honeymoon. She hasn't kissed me in 28 years, and believe it or not that is what I miss the most.

    I've taken care of myself physically the entire time we've been married, because I was raised that you worked it out no matter what, and feel like a fool for turning down a half-dozen women at work over the years I could have had, because I made a promise at the alter. But I'm not 30 or 40 anymore, and she doesn't even pretend.

    I didn't get married until I was 28, and had plenty of lovers who had no complaints about my performance, but how can you perform with a woman who has never given oral sex (sick!), won't make love with the lights on (weird!), won't do it anyplace but in her bed with a nightgown barely pulled up (anything else is "slutty"_, won't kiss, won't spread her legs (it hurts my muscles!), always invited the kids into bed with us to avoid sex, stays up late watching TV, then says she's tired but will in the morning, then gets up two hours early to dodge you?

    7-8 frustrating quickie "hurry up and get on and get it over with!!!" times a year is the extent of our "love life."

    So, the choice has always been, divorce and leave my kids without a Dad, which wasn't an option, or now that I'm older lose everything I've worked for.

    I feel cheated and angry and antagonistic and just pissed off. I have been out of work 3 times in the past 30 years, and that is also a convenient excuse for not putting out.

    Others are, "the (fill in the blank, neighbors, kids, visitors) will hear us!", "we just did it last month!", "you're a pervert!", "only SLUTS do that stuff!", etc.

    And the "just one more thing" is spot on. We went to see a therapist last year about this, and it was all my fault. Seems that she's tired after working several hours a day LESS than me, and needs my support to feel "intimate."

    So in addition to working longer hours and earning more money, and taking care of the house, and the cars, and the dogs, I now do all the laundry, the dishes, the ironing, the housecleaning, etc., etc., etc., so that she will "not be so tired!" and feel more "in the mood!" which NEVER F*&(ING HAPPENS!

    Now also, as I am nearing 60, I can't "finish" in 5 minutes anymore. I'm still functional, but just need a little extra help. "Could I please touch your breasts?" No, they're "sensitive". "Just get yourself off already!"

    You know F&*7! this! I am tempted to sell everything I own and give away or lose the rest and go tend bar somewhere. I feel like such a loser ahole...!

    What a wasted life.

  24. I found this blog after Googling "living with a frigid wife", and although on one hand, I feel grateful to commiserate with other guys in the same boat, it also feels like I may have a really bleak future ahead of me.

    I have been married for 5 years now to a woman that I had been friends with for several years before getting in an intimate relationship. We still joke about how we should have never ended up together because of how little chemistry we had as friends, but I think we both felt like our friendship would fill in the gaps in our marriage. We were wrong.

    My wife was desperate to have a child last year and after a few years of a mediocre but acceptable sex life, we seemed to be getting on better. For a while there, I was resistant to the new-found joy of lovemaking for both of us, because I just KNEW that she was only more enthusiastic because she wanted a baby and we were having trouble conceiving. Finally, after a few months, things went well enough that I really did begin to believe my wife when she told me that she "had never been so in love" before! Until she found out she was pregnant.

    Not just the lovemaking went off like a light switch, but even the affection and intimacy we gained was gone like it had never happened. She told me it was because within a week of the baby news, I got a new better-paying job that required us to move out-of-state. So, I have just given you the "desire of your heart" in this baby, and I nearly double my income with a new job, and that makes you loathe the very idea of being intimate with me? Really??

    That was almost a year ago now, and although I love my daughter with all my heart, I cannot help but feel betrayed by my wife. I feel like I was just a pawn on her chessboard, and have told her how rejected and upset I feel, and she just keeps giving the same story about her hormones and life changes getting in the way of affection.

    My life has been turned upside-down too, but I still find myself chasing every little thing I can do for her to prove my love and devotion. I just do not understand how can she be so cavalier about something I have told her is so important to me when I am doing my part around the house, with the baby, at my job, etc.

    I am thoroughly tired of pouring my affection and emotions down into a black hole, so I started seeing a therapist last week to help me cope with the anger and resentment I feel, because I really do love my wife and want us to work on our relationship. In my wife's defense, I think she wants us to be better off too, and I know she doesn't want me to divorce her.

    She is a good person, but she cannot be my wife if she doesn't want to be sexually intimate with me. We might as well be roommates right now. Typing this out is a rather cathartic experience right now, and I hope that one day, my therapist can help me, and maybe both of us, to get into a better place in our marriage.

    In the meantime, however, I have to spend another lonely night fighting hard not to cry over the loss of the only woman I have ever really loved. The woman I come home to nowadays is not her, but only a frigid, distant shadow that reminds me of what I have lost. Every. Single. Night.

  25. Waoo, I was stunned to read all the comments from people. I only stumbled upon this web site after I have tried all I could to get intimate with my wife without any success. A friend told me about frigidity and I started to research it which brought me here. I feel so betrayed after reading the postings from people because I now know what I am dealing with. She told me she does not enjoy sex and no matter how well I treat her, the fact remains the same.
    Reading what people have to put up with, all this years make me feel that I should not expect any change. My wife does not work, I work full time, do the washing, clean the house do the cooking and clean up the dishes. Based on whay I have read, I can safely say that most assumptions from therapists are so wrong because my wife has got nothing that borders her and still avoids intimacy with me. At the moment, I have just moved to our guest room after trying for the past six weeks without success. Gee, this is pathetic. How am I going to leave with this for the rest of my life?

  26. My guess is that the "one more thing" thing that you talk about is the main reason most women become frigid after having kids.

    I know with my women friends, we refer to being "all touched out" at the end of the day, and when the husband comes at us, its just not welcome.

    I think the key to overcoming this is *truly respecting* your wife's being all touched out.

    Women are smart. They know if a man is just doing chores to "get some".. and that is not going to leave us feeling respected, and its not going to make us be into you.

    Truly respecting your wife and giving her space is different than giving her space *in expectation* of getting her in bed. We really can sense that a mile away and its just as much of a turn off as doing chores.

    My advice

    Give lots of "unloaded" hugs (might take her a while to trust you again to hug you. Don't be surprised)
    Help with the kitchen
    Help with the kids
    BE with her and get to know her again. Do not try to woo her. This will be received as you trying to bed her.

    Right now, you really are sort of in a lose lose situation. .. RIGHT NOW.. But that can change. Its going to take patience and love and respect and understanding. She is going to have to learn to trust you.. that your intentions are not to just grope and molest her. Those are strong words, and they are probably not exactly fair words either, but you have to understand, that to a frigid woman, that is exactly what it feels like. There is no space for her to warm up if there is *any kind* of pressure at all. Even if it has been a very long time since there has been sex, if you have been expecting sex and she knows it, you haven't given her space. You really have to sort of set her free so that she can come to you.

    And if you truly respect her and love her and give her that space, she WILL. But it will be better for you if you have no expectations of it happening soon. A loved woman will bloom though.

    I would also recommend that you just not be angry. It isn't fair. I don't know why this happens to some women, but it does, and the women don't like it either. I do know that it starts at "just one more thing" but it probably doesn't stay there. It changes. The more you push, the more she will run.

    1. I can appreciate this post for what it is, a woman's genuine opinion of what a man needs to do to get his wife's affection back. However, I can tell you that after trying for months, and now over a year, to do all I can for my wife to show her I love her, I am all tapped out on showing and even feeling affection. How many times can a husband be pushed off or even emotionally abused like a whipped puppy and have his needs completely ignored before there comes a snarl when asked to do anything more to get the love and devotion he has already earned?

      The basic premise behind your post is that all the men here have been putting undue pressure on their wives to be intimate with them, while ignoring all of their wives' needs, and are only doing nice things to get "tit for that". That is simply untrue in my case, and I suspect most of the guys here have had countless times that we've done chores, given massages, written loving notes and cards, etc. with no strings attached for months and even years. My question is, at what point is it reasonable to expect any nourishment in return?

      It might seem crass, but I have heard it said that the way to a man's heart is through his privates, and the way to a woman's privates is through her heart. If this is true, then why are we expected to keep putting our heart on the line continuously for our wives, even when we are running on fumes ourselves because our needs are not being met? We're always expected to factor our wives' feelings in everything we do, but we can go years and never expect our wives to factor in what we're going through by feeling so neglected?

      I don't like putting pressure on my wife about sex, because I know she's going through a lot with the new baby, lifestyle, and job. However, while I am expected to constantly come up with new ways to meet every need she has, she is doing absolutely nothing about the most basic need I have from our marriage. This is untenable, and I will not live like this the rest of my life. At this point, maybe I'm just not man enough for her, I can accept that. But, then she should be free to find a better match, and so should I. I just don't think I can keep feeling the love necessary to make her bloom when I feel so empty and rejected, and frankly, why should I be in love with someone who cares so little about my needs, even when I've sacrificed and done so much?

      I still love her, but love is not enough to make a marriage. It takes dedicated, sustained effort even in the tough stuff, and I feel like I am doing that for her, but she isn't even trying to consider what I need from her. I know you said not to be angry, but how are we supposed to feel?

      Imagine if your husband hurt his back in an accident and the doctor said it may be 9-12 months before he is able to help around the house again? The first couple of months, you'd be understanding because what can either of you do about it? By that 6th month of having to do all of the household duties by yourself, you'd be burnt out and maybe even commenting on how you can't wait until you have some help again, right?

      But what if as that 9th month approached, you saw him feeling better and being capable of helping you, but always having some excuse as to why you still had to do everything yourself, and the more you asked him about things changing, the more he insisted that you're only making it harder for him to be emotionally ready to help? You'd be like "buck up, buttercup! What do your feelings have to do with avoiding your responsibility?", right?

      That is where I am with my wife. I have been patiently dealing with my sexual needs for an extended period of time so that she can sort out her issues, but that shouldn't be forever, and it is not unreasonable to expect that there be an end in sight, or this relationship is not going to work. It's not fair to expect husbands to go on forever giving and giving, and never getting anything back.

  27. It's hormonal. Most frigid women were not always frigid but as soon as their testosterone falls below a certain level the turn into ice cubes. Not only do they get frigid but they also get crazy. Testosterone is the sanity hormone.

    If the wife won't get HRT cheat and or leave. Trade her in a younger model.

    The other thing is latent lesbianism and feminism.

    Why Fat Feminists Are Evil Click Here

  28. Wow, this is amazing – stories so similar to mine. I feel hurt and confused that my wife does not want to be intimate with me- with months between sex. When I explain how it makes me feel she says I am over reacting, makes a brief effort before reverting to type. Basically she had an unhappy childhood and she can remember one or two instances of abuse from her father and thinks there were more, this has lead to self loathing, depression, needing to prove herself and ultimately chronic fatigue. I think if you don’t love yourself you cannot love anyone else.

    She fits the definition of frigid -she does not like to be touched. If a friend gives her a hug and kiss she feels her personal space is invaded and wipes down her cheek with an anti bacterial wipe! She has never had any problem multiple orgasming but does not like kissing and does not like sperm anywhere near her. I can only remember 2 instances in our 18 year marriage where she has come up to me and put her arms around me and they were in social situations and were for show. I am very tactile and give her 3 hugs a day and she is completely unresponsive.

    I have heard every excuse in the book as to why it is never convenient, she sleeps 10 hours a day so we are never in bed at the same time and awake. If it isn’t tiredness then it is irritation with me over some minor infraction. She finds penetration painful (due to lack of use). She perpetually has ulcers so cannot do oral. I would be happy with hand relief once a fortnight but she does not seem to understand the technique and “lets get it over and done with’ is not a conducive attitude.

    However I also think the root cause is she does not respect me. Despite me being the provider and earning $300,000 a year (which she spends) she is constantly putting me down, making subtle and not-so-subtle negative comments about my attractiveness and worth. She is an A type personality and before she got sick was a high achiever and extremely competitive. I am the opposite – nothing to prove, gentle, a quiet achiever, and she resents my success and happiness with my activities and family. On the other hand she hates arrogant men so I don’t think she could cope with an alpha male either. She has never cried, never said sorry, never lost an argument, she will never do anything for anyone, least of all me. I think she thinks sex is submission. She also finds cute dark haired, neat, well groomed cultured gentlemen while I am the opposite- classic viking- pale, red haired, bearded, solidly built, lots of weapons etc.

    I think she expects and even subconsciously wants me to leave her. She has an abandonment complex developed from being fostered out in her formative years and then her father leaving. She spends money like there is no tomorrow because for her there is no tomorrow – she expects me to leave.

    So why do I stay in a sexless marriage? – my wife and I are friends, with shared values, she is beautiful, has an amazing bum, and is talented, we life on a wonderful property in a beautiful part of the world and most importantly we have two sons that I love and am proud of and would gladly sacrifice my happiness for. She also is fully dependant on me and I can’t bring myself to leave a sick wife. I also come from a stable family where loyalty is valued. I focus on the positive- bitterness harms yourself - rather than feeling sorry for myself I visit sex-workers and have one particular regular that I am very fond of, and she provides all the warmth, care, affection, kissing and hugs I could ever need. Sorry for the long email but I have no one else to talk to about it.

  29. These women all have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) They have all been sexually or seriously emotionally abused by a male authority figure. They are treating their significant males cruelly as proxies for their former abusers. It's not about paying for dinner or making more money. You have coupled with emotionally broken and crippled women.

  30. Oh and it is that they have simply blocked out the abuse in order to go on....

  31. Wiglaf,

    I'm also stuck in the dilemma of my wife (of almost 25 years) being sick. She's actually bipolar, so the problems are way deeper than just her complete frigidity. She is also uncomfortable with physical contact and we've haven't even had a decent hug in years. In fact, my opinion is that the frigidity is not a symptom of her underlying illness, but of her complicated drug regimen. Her doctors have been trying for many years to simplify it, but whatever they try the side-effects are too extreme. It's reached the point where her brain is so messed up she can't hold a job. She also talks incessantly about her mental problems and it's big fucking downer.

    She knows the sex is a problem but I think, to her, it's only a problem because it's a problem to me and gets me pissed off all the time. For a while I saw hookers, but it really bothers me to have to do it that way. Now I'm trying to hook up with a woman in a similar situation through Ashley Madison. In fact, when we last talked about it, my wife said "well go have an affair." I think she doesn't know what that means. She thinks it's just like going to prostitutes, but for free. It's more complicated than that.

    Anyway, two mental health professionals have told me that I'm not doing anyone, including our 12 year old daughter, any favors and we'd all be better off if we split up. Whenever I think about it I completely disagree. If we have to decide who the kid goes with, I think it's going to have to be me. What's that going to do to my wife? I'm positive she cracks up and has to go inpatient for a while. I can't do that.

    Right now my hopes are pinned on the affair. As I type that it strikes me as a sign of just how bad my situation is.

  32. There are two articles currently on relevant to this conversation.

    Young, Attractive, and Totally Not Into Having Sex

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