So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?

The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.

The Metamorphisis, Part I: The Decision, and Change in the Plan

This is the first in a series of posts called "Metamorphisis."
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[Post started back in late March, 2013; actually published May 19, 2013]
Back in March, I reached an ugly decision. For about two years, I have been trying to get my wife to change. In small, incremental steps, her basic behavior towards me has gotten better. She is more respectful and courteous. However, the physical contact between us -- especially sex -- has not gotten appreciably better. We're sitting together more, spending more time together, and even having sex more often. However, it feels forced. She acts like she is only doing this because she has to, and getting her to have sex or cuddle with me more than what we are doing now has become impossible. We were up to having sex maybe twice a month, but one of those times is always awful. In any event it is simply not enough to be considered intimate. Even the so-called "snuggling" is like curling up with a log.
Further, there is something really wrong with a wife who is uncomfortable with her husband touching her, especially somewhere as innocent as her sides. She claims to be“ticklish,” but this isn’t like any ticklishness I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t giggle or smile when she’s touched; she just jerks away. This shows a real level of distrust of me, like I am some random stranger on the street.
The endless amount of time she spends on what I call electronic amusements -- mostly Facebook and TV -- have made a huge dent in any time we would spend together. She’s now up to level 120 or something on Candy Crush; that’s certainly something to be proud of (please insert large doses of sarcasm here). There is nothing like being rejected for a rerun of a reality show about people eating bugs.
I came to the conclusion that everything I have tried will never get her to change, and I will probably never figure out the right way. So, I decided to try more drastic measures, and prepare for life without her. If, by some miracle, things change in the next few months to where we are having a normal marriage, then I will keep her. Otherwise, I have been miserable for too long. It may be time to find someone else who will not shy away when I put my hand on her arm.
I looked up some sex therapists we can talk to, and purchased some books on fixing a sexless marriage. To be honest, I did not have a lot of hope in these, but I will make an effort. When I am ready, I will tell her either we get serious about fixing this, or that we should stop being so miserable. To be frank, I am so hurt by what she has done over the last few years that it might be hopeless from my end, as well.
In the meantime, I started preparing for other avenues. I decided to work on what I could to make myself happier while I am with her, and better suited for what follows.
The first thing is to get myself into better shape. I have always made fun of newly-single guys for doing this, as it seemed superficial and obvious. Now that I have to think of such things, I can’t really think of anything else that will make me more appealing. I can’t really make more money, at least not until I can freely get a job without my wife’s interference. I can’t do anything about my age, or my shrinking hairline.
I am not really in bad shape, but I could be better. I have never been on a real diet before, so most of this is new to me. In order to lose about 1.5 pounds (0.68 kg) per week, the Web site I use suggested I eat no more than 1,300 calories per day. That sounds awfully low, but we'll see how this goes.
I will start picking up some more “masculine” hobbies. I won’t do anything that I really don’t like just to look more manly, but rather do things that I either used to do, like fix cars, or have always wanted to do, like learn to fly a plane. I don’t really have any “feminine” hobbies, so this shouldn’t be too hard.
I will separate my emotions from my actions with her. Though it’s hard, I won’t get overly upset when she turns me away or acts ugly, but I will make it clear that I don’t like it. From now on, I will be Mr. Cool.
I am also going to start acting more assertive around her, and to be less tolerant of bad or neurotic behavior. I am tired of her nagging and wheedling at me to get what she wants, and then being unhappy about the result. From now on, she will treat me fairly. If she wouldn’t want me to act a certain way towards her, then she won’t be acting that way to me.
On to part II

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