As the title implies, this will be my next-to-last post on this blog...ever. The next post will explain why.
It's hard to believe I have not posted on this space in over two years. The reasons for that had to do with the major changes that suddenly made this entire problem moot.
I will close with some last advice for anyone who is struggling with this problem.
First, it's not something you have to live with. Having a frigid spouse is NOT normal. I don't care what you're told, what excuses you're given, you don't have to live like this. Marriage is a sexual relationship, and if you're putting forth your effort for a spouse and not getting any, your marriage isn't functional.
So, what do you do?
My advice will depend on whether you're a man or a woman.
If you're a man with a frigid wife, first make sure she knows you're not happy, one time, but then don't bring it up again. When you say something isn't right over and over again, people will assume you're just making threats. Make a statement one time, then just start acting differently, and the other person will fear you really mean business, which you do!
Next, start making yourself more attractive to women in general. Start being more masculine. If you aren't truly the head of the household, get your testicles back and start taking charge. Throw out everything you've ever heard from a women's group or magazine about how they want a sensitive man; it's bunk! (Note: I am not telling anyone to abuse his wife, physically or otherwise; just learn to be more assertive and confident).
Start being comfortable in your own skin. Believe in your own awesomeness. That biker you know doesn't give a crap about being sensitive, and you can bet he gets some all the time.
Start working out. Eat better, run, bike, left weights, whatever it is you need to do to lose weight and look better, do it!
Once you've worked on yourself for a few months, see if she doesn't respond better. If she doesn't...just go. I hate the idea of divorce as much as anyone, but a sexless marriage is one in violation of a covenant. It's not as bad as being married to a cheater, but when you agree to forsake all others, that's built on the assumption that you'll still get some from the spouse.
If you're a women and you're married to a frigid man, the answer is almost certainly much simpler. In the vast majority of cases, have his testosterone checked. He probably doesn't have enough of it. It may take a lot of badgering, but this will fix the problem most of the time.
The other problem: he might be gay. I'm sorry to bring that up, but I've seen it happen more than once.
If you're a frigid spouse, well, you should know that the clock is probably ticking away on your nice comfortable life, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Eventually, your spouse will tire of this. Make an effort to fix what is making your partner unhappy; that's the sign of a good spouse. If not, well, eventually you'll find out that almost everybody who is dumped off because of a flaw has to settle for someone else that is far, far worse. This is especially true for women. A really fit 40 year-old woman with a mildly bitchy personality cannot compete in any way with a slightly pudgy 25-year old who is pleasant.
Ok, here are some good sources for how to be a more masculine and attractive husband:
http://marriedmansexlife.com/
Athol Kay's books and videos are very helpful. I highly recommend the "Primer" he wrote (http://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731)
Unfortunately, I cannot find the very first book I read (a very unusual Christian book) on the subject. It was excellent for me. I think it was this one:
Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man by Elliott Katz (see https://www.amazon.com/Being-Strong-Man-Woman-Wants-ebook/dp/B008M9TGD8?ie=UTF8&qid=&ref_=tmm_kin_swatch_0&sr=).
Another good one:
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover (http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1464459437&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy).
Hope you are well. I thought about this blog and wondered how you made out.
ReplyDeleteDearest guy, I found this blog on the net because I suffer from frigidity and I thought you really could provide some tips, as the title of the post suggests. OK, let me tell you briefly my story: since my early 20s to my 30s, I was totally ablaze, a fully sexual woman. Apart from my first boyfriend, who told me to my face I wasn't good enough for him (he's still alone and looking for Mrs. Perfect, as far as I'm concerned) I have had some pretty good sex and I really mean it, I had two lovers mainly whom I wanted to marry but then things went wrong. Both were around 30 years older than me and they were fiends from hell. And then I met my nowadays husband, and he did want to marry me and be a real couple, and be a family, and all this. OK, but a problem: he was as sexual as a rock laying on the bottom of the Anctartic Ocean. After two weeks of being with me, he was already tired of too much sex. We are talking about a guy for whom I was his first girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I struggled with the issue for one year and a half. In spite of our problems in bed, which I thought were due to inexperience and that they would eventually be sorted out, we apparently were a real couple, and soon he was pouring money on the mortgage of a flat I will inherit when my mother dies. OK the thing is, the sexual problem wasn't solved. He was very affectionate and popular with everybody-but me. He told me I was too clingy, he didn't want to be touched, didn't want a picture of me (he had pictures of other women, though), talked on my computer to his exes via Facebook in front of my face while I was standing, naked, in front of him, and told me not to bother, he even had a crush on a friend of mine... in the meantime loathing my presence. I'm not fat, not ugly (although this has really paid its toll on me and now I am a sad woman, no more) and I have been hit on by other men who were good men after my marriage, I'm constantly hit on on Facebook, I have a degree, good jobs although quite underpaid, I take care of my elderly people, I can cook quite well, sew, I got into Warhammer, which is what my husband loves... I work for a magazine and I have pictures with famous people at important events. That's me and I think that's not bad. Well, then, my husband didn't like me one tiny bit.
In my innocence I really didn't know what was going on, and I still don't (that's why your answers here surprised me... low testosterone? Gay? Is that all you've got?) but I suspect the dark truth although I don't want to admit it: my husband was in this for my flat. His family is famous for this, they marry for the business. But he didn't really love me (or no one) and didn't find me attractive.
I fell into deep depression after one year and a half being told I had a problem and that good women were not so sexual, that I was sick, unnatural and dirty. I couldn't leave him because I would lose my only place to live and he insulted, abused me every day, but he was so kind and so nice to others. I realised I had to stop desiring him in bed, for he was absolutely not interested. And, suddenly, my body shut down. Absolute frigidity. I stopped desiring him altogether, at all. This was three and a half years ago.
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband noticed a change, there might have passed around two or three weeks. I had never drunk before and now I was heavily drinking, feeling trapped, suicidal and miserable. I still want to die every day. He said OK, OK, we'll have sex then a little bit more often! How condescending of him... how generous! But woops, I didn't want him in bed now. I took care of him, of his clothes, his food, but I loathed his touch now.
Hubby didn't like it. He wanted sex on his own terms. He could reject and insult me but how dared I reject him in bed! He at first got angry, and then very worried. I was not the same person, I'm still not the same person as before. I was, to put it bluntly, suicidal.
I've been struggling with deep depression all this time, loving my husband as if he was a brother but completely uncapable of sex with him. He changed after I fell into this depression, which I think is because of a bad conscience. He wanted my money, yes, my flat, but also, in some twisted way, wanted this to work. He saw that suddenly we were exactly like his parents and he didn't like it one little bit. He actually made efforts to change, to tolerate that I touched him, to take pictures of me, to stop talking to other women in Facebook. Right now, I keep on working, keep on standing on my feet, but I am completely dead inside. I think (because I have lost my capacity for empathy) he knows and that he's worried. He's told me very often he didn't mean to hurt me so much. I know he feels guilty.
But whenever I feel a little better guess what? He wants his sex. And I can have sex as much as a raped woman can with a rapist. My sexual drive went to hell with his abuse and period. You can't torture a person with abuse and rejection and then expect them to feel aroused when you command them to have sex with you.
That's why I think you will never solve your problems with your wife.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you are hateful. You hate this woman and I'm sure she knows. Her hobbies are stupid, her family is stupid, everything she does is stupid. You are so above her don't you? You're not going to get any affection (and even less sexual arousal) from someone you constantly despise, sorry to tell you that, man.
Secondly, and I have suffered from this as well, you are too focused on how things should be instead of how things really are. You can read books, watch movies, whatever: they are not going to magically turn your wife into another person. I used a lot of psychology with my husband at first, I talked to him about yoga, gosh even about tantric massage... absolutely nothing worked, because, simply and plainly, he didn't want anything to work. Your wife knows you despise her, so you are trying to force her into something she is clearly not willing to do for you. Because you despise her, my friend. All the improvements you mention in this blog, watching TV together and complaining less about forced sex, I have also made them with hubby after I got frigid. Guess what? It's all fake. I don't mean it, I do it because I live with him and I cannot escape. My husband may force me from time to time because I can't avoid it, but rest assured I am not enjoying the least bit of it, even when he asks "Did you like it?" and I say "Yes". I can't escape from him, that's all. It's survival in a situation of forced submission, nothing to do with love. And she doesn't love you, man, sorry to tell you that, why? Because you just can't hide the fact that you despise every little bit of her and her circumstances.
So kudos for your efforts in becoming more manly and working out etc, but try to be a little bit less hateful dear, otherwise you are never going to get consented sex. Gosh, you even insult the women who look at you at the gym, are you so much of a jewel? Apparently so! Well, I'm afraid unless you solve that hateful attitude you are going to be sexless for a looong time unless you pay for it or with people who cannot escape. Or you need to look for someone who is so psychoologically twisted that gets aroused when you despise them-go figure.
My husband despised everything of me too, while no one else did. He despised my sexual desire for him and now he wants his sex because he despises my frigidity. No matter what I do, deep down he's just a hateful person who never loved me and was in it for the money. He takes care of me now out of a bad conscience but no matter what he does now you can bet he's not going to get willing, non-forced sex from me ever again. I don't have sex with men who hate me so openly.
Learn to be kind first, man, and then leave that poor tortured women of yours behind and try to be at least a little bit nice to some other women. Here's a hint: don't insult everything that she is/does. And please, don't offer tips, and even less don't dare offer tips to any women until you've healed this smug and chauvinistic attitude. Best in life.
@MujerQuijote
ReplyDelete"And she doesn't love you, man, sorry to tell you that, why? Because you just can't hide the fact that you despise every little bit of her and her circumstances."
Spoken like a typical, frigid wife in rebellion against a husband with whom she took vows and is now rebelling against those vows: Everything is the man's fault; women can only do wrong when they are provoked by men to do wrong; when a wife is doing wrong, it must be her husband's fault, every time. As if women are not moral agents capable of good and evil just as much as men. You infantilize women, MujerQuijote. Hey. I got an idea? How bout wives own up to their own wrongdoings for a change and quit blaming others?? Marriage doesn't mean you get to feel haaaaaaapy all the time. But it does mean you are obligated, yes OBLIGATED by your vows. To have sex with your husband, even if you are not haaaaaapy at a given moment.
How about wives just leave your old sorry asses? I think that’s what they should do. There’s no point in arguing or reasoning with deranged, sex crazed, irrational lunatics like yourselves. I’d tell you to get a prostitute, but I doubt you can afford it.
DeleteSo what has happened since this penultimate post? The first sentence of this entry makes your life sound so ominous. Hope everything turned out okay.
ReplyDeleteThis happened. Anyone who listens to the ramblings of a delusional man is themselves entering the realm of delusions. You have been warned.
DeleteI am very interested in reading the rest of this story, I read the whole blog and it has been an incredible journey. Both me and my girlfriend have enjoyed your journey of self discovery and growth.
ReplyDeleteLonely Armadillo —are you still there? What was the final outcome ?
ReplyDeleteWow, some excellent and astute points. Some obvious and some I had not even realised. After 30 years of great married life my wife hit menopause, shaved her hair bald, started doing armed neighbourhood patrols, became rate payers chairlady and in the process totally lost any interest in sex or even any form of physical contact. There was one brief period where she went onto heavy scheduled medication for "restless leg" syndrome. Then suddenly she couldn't keep her hands off me. However she stopped the medication due to the severe headache/migranes it caused her and things quickly reverted back to no touching. After 3 going on 4 years now of a frigid wife and the resultant emotional, mental and physical stress I would happily leave her to enter into a normal relationship with someone else, even though I still love my wife as much as I did when I married her.
ReplyDelete