Another Lonely Evening in a House Full of People

A couple of months ago, I had a small revelation.  As much as my wife's frigidity -- her lack of sexual desire, or desire for any physical contact with me -- is a problem, and a big one, I think it is the tip of the iceberg of a larger one.  It's not just that she doesn't want to touch me; she doesn't want to even be around me.  On a typical night in my house, once the kids are in bed the missus promptly heads for our bedroom.  She gets in her pajamas, climbs into bed, wraps herself up in covers, props the computer in her lap, and starts flipping channels.  She will immediately surf on the computer directly to Facebook; the TV will get set to whatever silly reality show or rerun strikes her fancy.  There is almost no deviation from this.  She will not:

• ask if I want to join her
• offer to share the blanket
• if I am in the room, ask what I want to watch
• if I am in the room, actually acknowledge my presence in any way

Every night, I am left to stew by myself after the kids go to sleep.  I can watch TV in the other room...by myself, play video games...by myself, read..by myself, or do any number of things all by my lonesome.  How exactly is this different from how I lived as a bachelor?  Not much.  I am just as lonely now at night as I was then, except that I could, if I so chose, go out and find some company.
Her response when I tell her that we need to spend time together is usually something to the effect of "I don't have any problem with you sitting there." Of course, that is a pretty ridiculous response; this is my house, too, so I'm glad you don't mind that I sit where I please in it. More importantly, sitting in the same room together while the TV blares isn't really a joint activity. This is especially true if one person has no say in what is on, and the other person doesn't talk to him.
 To be frank, watching stupid TV and playing on Facebook are all she really does at home if she isn't cooking, eating, or sleeping.  After she gets up and gets dressed, she opens the computer and...spends the next thirty minutes on Facebook.  If she has a day off, she catches up on the twenty hours or so of stuff she records in one week on the DVR (yes, that is actually accurate).  Even if she is doing something else, like the laundry, one or both of these activities is also in progress.  These activites are not bad in and of themselves, but they have killed our family life.  The addiction to these things is so bad I have come to hate Facebook more than anything else on the planet.  People ask me why I don't get on it.  My wife is on there enough for both of us.
Lest you, gentle reader, think that these addictions are the only source of the problem, my wife will occasionally do something outside the house...but not with me or the kids.  She will tell me at night that she "is exhausted," and "just wants to relax," and then the next day get up at 5:00 on her day off to go running with the neighbor.  She will refuse to talk to me after 9:30, but will stay out with her friends at some restaurant (or maybe a bar) until 11:30 or midnight on a night she has to get up at 5:30 for work.  No, her schedule is quite full, full of things that she actually wants to do.

What is the alternative?

I realized I haven't posted anything in some time, and for those of you that are following this, I apologize.  I will put the changes in the last few months into several posts.  Lately, my mind has been drawn to what the alternatives are if things do not work out:  continue the way things are, divorce, cheating?  Is there something else?
I have reached the point where the way things are just make me miserable.  Things have to change.  However, my wife has made it clear she is just going to half-ass this; at this point, she is not going to change without a different tack.
Divorce has gone into my mind.  For those of you who simply say "dump her," that is just naive.  I take the promises I make very seriously, and this one is no different.  Even if that wasn't enough, we have kids, and they would definitely lose out more than us if we split up.  My own parents got divorced, and the end result was that no one was happier.  She'd get half my money, and believe me, it's all come from me.  What's more, I will have to go into a court, and make a public and permanent statement that I was leaving my wife because she won't have sex with me.  There's more to it, I think, but that is what I will have to tell the judge.  That would be humiliating in a very public way.  I'd have to make similar statements -- or make up some lie -- to my friends and family.  If I go through with that, there will be large consequences.
I have made up my mind that having an affair just isn't the way to handle this.  One, as I said, I keep my promises, and that would be a violation of one of the big ones.  Two, that's really a cowardly way out of this.  It would be sidestepping the basic issue that my spouse doesn't want to touch me while violating the rules.  So, if I can't work this out, divorce is a much manlier and honest option.
Are there other options?  I don't know.  I have thought about going to a certified sex counselor, but that option has its own pitfalls.  My wife, first, has to agree to go, though I could make enough threats and raise enough hell to change her mind.  More importantly, I am more worried about whether the conselor would actually help.  My parents' incompetent counselor actually made things worse.  Then there's the ugly fear that the counselor will take advantage of me or my wife.  (I would absolutely insist that we go to a woman, which, let's face it, would reduce the likelihood of this).  Working a job like this would be a dream come true for a pervert, just like daycares attract child abusers.

A hugging machine...that's what I need

I had the day off.  I was watching a rerun of one of my favorite shows, and a character said he had built a "hugging machine" because his mother was so desparate for affection from his mother.  It had an electric blanket to stay warm, and robotic arms to hug.  His father used to borrow it.  Watching this after our argument in the morning, the whole thing left me raw.
That's me, right there; maybe I will build myself a hugging machine.

Why Frigid Women are the Way They Are...

I have just created a separate page on why frigid women are the way they are...

Cannot even sit with her...

Last night, the missus and I had a giant argument over my attempt to...sit next to her.  I kid you not.  She was sitting on the couch, and I attempted to get under the blanket and sit right next to her.  She flew off the handle, and said "I am tired, and I just want to sit here."  Fine.  I pointed out that I was just trying to sit next to her; what is wrong with that?  She reiterated that she wanted to sit there...which she was already doing.  I was baffled.  She said that she just wanted to sit on the couch together, but apparently not actually next to each other.  My heart just shattered.
Goodness, I hate this @#$@$$$$.  Why, oh why, do I have to be married to some lazy iceburg that does not even want to SIT next to me?  Why do I have to be so miserable?
I have decided that there is no reason for me to set some kind of timetable; what is going to change in the next month?  I think, subconciously, the timetable is for me; I need time to figure out just what I want to do.

When the cat's away...

The husband part of one of our couple friends is away for a few days with the kids.  The wife and mother, then, is all by herself at home.  She stopped by our house to chat a few minutes last night, and I had a hard time concentrating on the conversation.  She has always actually listened to me in conversation (unlike a lot of women), and takes an interest in my hobbies and how am I doing.  She remembers little details about me, and asks about my events and plans later.  This is, of course, where trouble can start.  This is more positive attention from a woman than I have had in a long time, and I have a hard time getting the thought of her smiling face out of my head.  I had a dream last night where she called, asking for some kind of maintenance help...  I woke up before anything happened, but we all know where my subconcious was going.  Her husband gone, there would be opportunity for all kinds of hanky panky.  In reality, even though I really like her, any "extracurricular activity" would be mentally difficult on my part; besides betraying my own spouse, I am really good friends with her husband, and that betrayal might actually hurt more.  Besides, I am pretty certain she is happily married, and I doubt she would run the risk of ruining what nice relationship we have by suggesting something and being rejected.
This is the usual path, I have read, for the husband with a frigid wife.  Eventually, his thoughts go to another woman.  I am trying really, really hard not to be that guy; I don't want to face myself in the mirror afterward.  But when faced with a real, flesh-and-blood woman who actually wants to be with me, my mind cannot seem to go anyplace else.  Even some hugs, maybe with a side of pleasant conversation, would go a long way to dispel these thoughts from my head.  Since I don't get that, I'm sure my buxom nerdy friend will be joining my dreams tonight, as well.
There's only one more day till her hubby gets back...

Valentine's Day Wrap-up

So, those of you who are anxious to know how Valentine's Day went...
Well, Frigid Bridgette did in fact decide to put out on the day we celebrated Valentine's Day.  From a glass-is-half-full perspecitve, she didn't complain for half an hour, and it wasn't totally awful.  It wasn't great, and I'm not sure I would even say it was good, but there was something.  I didn't actually get to touch anything more fun than her hiney, but, it wasn't the worst I've ever had with her by a long shot.  Now, there was no romantic dinner, and she did feign surprise when at 9:30 I "made a move."  She complained that we had just sat down ten minutes ago; I pointed out that it in fact had been half an hour, and if anything was going to happen, it needed to happen soon before she fell asleep.
Since then, it's been another long week.  She shot me down a couple of days ago (no shock there), and tonight she went to bed at 8:30.  Every other night she has wrapped herself up in a blanket so tightly she could cut off her circulation and watched stupid chick shows she knows I hate.  So, tomorrow we will have another squabble:  I will be a little on edge because I know if I miss out I will have to wait at least several more days, and she will act shocked, shocked! that he husband might want some affection, as I haven't brought it up in a few days.  Ugh.

Ah, Valentine's Day....

Well, Valentine's Day is approaching.  There's a line from a bad chick flick I hate (Sleepless in Seattle) in which the main character says "It's Valentine's Day...every man in America is getting laid today."  Well, everyone but me.  Ok, I know a lot of lonely people don't like Valentine's Day, but for me, it might actually hurt worse.  At least if I was single and lonely I'd have an excuse.  Valentine's Day, along with my anniversary, is a bitter reminder that my wife simply does not want to be physically near me.
In the last few years, my wife has pretended she forgot the day entirely (isn't that my job?), has intentionally gone out of town twice without me (yes, I know that could mean she's just spending it with someone else, but that's another topic for another day), and for the rest has tried to irritably claim that the day was invented by the greeting card company, and it's not real.  For the record, the romantic part of the holiday goes back centuries, and is mentioned in Shakespeare's Hamlet.  I point out that it is actually Mother's Day that was invented by Hallmark and friends, and that maybe she shouldn't be getting cards from the kids, and she just gets angry about it (I wonder why).  No, there will be no beautiful lass wearing a skimpy outfit and a smile waiting for me at night.  She'll probably either cover herself with blankets, turn on awful TV, and pretend to be asleep, or tense herself for the argument.
For this year, she has thrown me a curveball.  She has said she does not want to go out to eat to save money, as we spent a buttload of money on a trip very recently.  This could be an honest statement, but I'd give it 50-50 it's not.  The fact that she wants to "celebrate" on a busy Saturday (three days early) is also puzzling; what is she up to?  Well, I've decided to make sure that there will not be any avoiding other romantic activities for the evening.  I'm not just talking about you-know-what; I have stated repeatedly that there needs to be a nice meal and some "time to ourselves."  So far, there have been no outright denials, but I am simply not devious enough to figure out what she might actually be up to.
We'll see, everyone, how this goes...

Where I am at Now

Where I am at now..

My wife has been basically frigid for several years now.  A lot of women supposedly “get colder” after children are born, but my wife started that process before then.  She does not want to hold my hand, give me a long kiss , or even give me a hug.  Whenever I try to snuggle with her or otherwise have physical contact, I am making all the effort.  I reach over and grab her hand, or I put my arms around her; she does not reciprocate.  When we “cuddle,” I am basically lying across her like I am on a giant pillow.  Sex, as you might guess, is far worse.  Have you ever tried having sex with someone who does not do anything at all but lie there?  Even in our better instances of sex, she doesn’t so much as put her arms around me.  Forget kissing, caressing, or even oral sex.  I have never had a blow-up doll, but I cannot imagine it being different than any sexual experience with my wife.

Up until a little more than a year ago, we were having sex maybe seven or eight times a year.  At that point, I get fed up enough to tell her flat out that her frigidity was an enormous problem.  How she handled this in the months since has not made things better.  She has agreed to have sex more often, maybe three times a month in practice, but what she substituted for quantity she took away in quality.  Forget just “lying there;” she doesn’t want me to do anything.  About half the time, our foreplay consists of me doing nothing more than rubbing her back and shoulders.  I might do the same on her hiney.  Anything else, including kissing her, just does not happen.  She locks her legs together, covers her chest, and makes darn sure that I cannot touch anything fun at all.  She hurries me along, then demands that I just get it over with.  The whole thing doesn’t last but a few minutes, but how can it?  She hates the whole exercise, and is just trying to get it over with.  At least a blow-up doll wouldn’t be so obnoxious.

Do you know what a sexless marriage is like?  It is little more than having a roommate that eats your food, spends your money, yells at your kids, and puts down all your hobbies.

I have made up my mind that I will make a deadline for this, and then things will need to change.  “Change” may just mean the two of us going to a therapist, but I’m sick of being miserable.  This is really sad, because I do love my wife, but we are living in some kind of absurd world of make-believe, where we pretend not touching each other for days is normal for a married couple.