So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?

The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.

The Metamorphisis Part V: Are the Winds of Change Blowing?

This is the fifth part of a series of posts called "Metamorphisis."
Back to part IV
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[Post started back in mid-May, 2013; actually finished May 23, 2013]
When I started what I call the “personal transformation,” I really had my doubts. The plan was to make myself more attractive to women in general. My wife would become interested in me, whether because she herself became more attracted, she sensed other women getting attracted to me, or she was nervous about me jumping ship. If she didn’t respond, I would be in a better position to look for someone else.
I would make myself more assertive, less emotional, and more physically fit. Making more money and having more status won’t hurt, either, but are probably not possible in the short term. I have had a reasonable amount of success with the getting fit part, though I have farther to go than I thought. I have tried my best to come off as more assertive and leader-like, though that is harder. For more details, see my last post. I was not sure how my wife would take this.
I did not mention sex at all for the first few weeks.I didn’t want to look weak by getting rejected and taking it poorly, and moreover I wasn’t sure I could pull it off in my more “aloof” mode. I was surprised by what happened during that period.
The first week didn’t go that eventfully. After the first week, though, my wife started sitting with me without being asked after the kids went to bed. (For us, that is actually a large change). She started turning the TV to shows we could both tolerate. I would prefer to do something more active, but this is still a small, baby-step improvement. The first few days, she sat on the other side of the room, but after that she moved closer, until she was actually sitting next to me. (Again, this is a change.) About the third day of the second week, she reached over, grabbed my hand, and put it on her knee. Again, for her, this was very different than the status quo.
(If you are wondering why I haven’t been blogging much in the last few weeks, and wrote these last few posts well after the fact, this is why. I normally write my blog entries while she is asleep or occupied with her TV shows. I couldn’t very well do so while we were actually spending time together; not that that is a bad thing.)
After a couple of weeks of her sitting with me at night, she initiated sex one night. Though I was wary, I decided not to turn her down. I would actually describe it as fairly good for us; she had no problems with me touching her anywhere. Things go so much better when she actually wants to do something. Of course, it had been about two-and-a-half weeks since we had done anything; though that is still a short period for her, even she might have a limit. She didn’t actually touch me on her own, but this is still mighty better than what we usually do.
After that night, she continued to sit with me at night. I didn’t bring up sex again for another week or so. Her behavior towards me improved just ever so slightly: less complaining, less attempts to be bossy, more smiling. She even came and sat in my lap for about half a minute once.
We had an ugly argument one night about the fact that she had refused to help the children get ready for bed because it interrupted her TV show. She brought up our disagreements about sex, and declared that she would never, ever, want to have sex on a somewhat-regular basis. We both finally just quit from exhaustion, and agreed to talk more later.
A couple of days after that, she initiated sex again. It wasn’t quite as nice as the previous time, but she was still ready and willing. That makes things about 1,000 times better.
A few days after that, she had to take a day off from work to take care of one of a sick child. When I came home, the house was spotless. She had cleaned the whole place. She had baked a cake, and there was one of my favorite dishes (lasagna) cooking in the oven. I was flabbergasted.
As I marveled at all she’d done that day, she said “I know you were wondering what I did with my time today: was I playing on Facebook all day, or did I take care of the house? Well, I decided to take care of things.”
I didn’t know what to say. Actually, I was thinking she played on Facebook all day. I was amazed and glad I was wrong.
That night, I decided to suggest some intimate activities, even though it had only been a few days since the last time. She said “I’m not sure.” In the past, this has always really meant“no, I just don’t want to hurt your feelings.” After a short period of mutual silence, she suddenly asked, “Didn’t we just do this not too long ago?” I just shrugged. I didn’t say anything else, assuming there was nothing more to gain from trying to sway her.
(Later, I read in the books I have been consulting that this means she really does want me to convince her; with my wife, that has never worked.)
The next day, I had an old friend come over to visit. She was pleasant and kind, and didn’t disappear to do something else on the computer.
After he left late at night, we both went to our bedroom to get ready for bed. I was debating whether to suggest intimate activities again. While I was thinking it over, the missus turned the light off and turned off the volume off the ever-present TV. I asked, “What are you doing?” and she wordlessly came over to me for sex. Again, I was really surprised, and things go so much better when she actually wants to do something. A little more than a week after declaring that she would never have sex twice in one week, she did precisely that on her own accord.
I have to say I really do not know what to make of all this. All these years of frustration, and all I had to do was exercise more and tell her to go to hell when she was rude? Is this really the solution to her frigidity?
Everything I have done in this plan to change myself has been a kind of paradox. To get her to treat me with respect, I have had to have a short temper, and sometimes behave like a borderline jerk, when she is ugly to me. To get her to want me more, I have to make myself more attractive to other women. For her to warm up to me physically, I have to act cold and aloof.
The books were right about something else. They said that if I stepped up my game in the male attractiveness segment, she would also try to up hers, as well. I’ve noticed a couple of new things. She’s now going to the fitness center at least a couple of times a week, where before she only went a couple of times a month. A few days ago, she asked if I would mind if she went to the doctor to see about getting her varicose veins removed. She has had them for years, maybe as long as I have known her, and this is the first time she has talked about getting rid of them. To be frank, I am not sure these new developments are good. If the whole point of this is for me to become at least as attractive as her, maybe more so, anything she does to make herself more attractive defeats some of the gains I have made. At least, that is how I understand how this is supposed to work.
This hasn’t been a complete success. There have been a few days which were not pleasant at all, and the last week in particular has been rough. I think this is enough material for now, and I will write about those other episodes in the next post.
On to part VI

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