It has now been about six months since I started my personal transformation, based on what I had read in some self-help books. All the books said that I needed to change my behavior outside the bedroom, and that would change what happened inside the bedroom. If that didn't work on her, I would be in a good position to leave her and find someone else who would. It may seem cold and manipulative, but it is much better than where we were headed, which was certainly divorce. The transformation was both physical and mental. I have to make myself a more masculine, assertive man around her, and I need to get myself into as good a physical shape as possible.
The more assertive and masculine me has definitely made her far more pleasant to live with. Whatever our modern concepts of what a woman wants, being the leader in our house has been soooo much better. There have been some setbacks, and she pushes back every so often. Every few weeks, she will work far harder on her appearance, then suddenly stop. Once she stops, she will try to contradict me or become dominant again over any and every decision. I don't allow her to get away with it, and life gets better again.
My physical fitness program is coming along. I now have actual muscles I can flex in all kinds of places where I couldn't before. I don't know if that's helping, but it can't hurt.
We are now having sex about three, maybe four times a month. It is not great, but it is getting better. She has also decided to touch me -- not anyplace "sensitive," if you know what I mean -- when we are having intercourse. This is also a big improvement. Were all this the case about three years ago, I would probably be more optimistic.
However, there are still some things that haven't improved. She still does not touch me outside the bedroom on her own at all. No kissing, no hugs, no holding hands, unless I initiate it.
She also is still addicted to all her @#$% electronic "friends." I am biding my time until I declare a "TV-and-Internet-free week" and just shut all that stuff down.
A few days ago, we had a frank discussion about some of her really dumb activities with her friends. I warned her that some of what they did together looked like cheating. Some of them are simply unsafe. I am pretty certain nothing was going on, but that wasn't the point. She kept trying to justify these things, and I was adamant about them. I told her that I was not going to tolerate anything that smacked of infidelity. The discussion went on for over an hour, while we sat together in bed.
The next day, her outlook and behavior were completely different. She actually acted like a girl who wanted to keep her man around. She did all kinds of little things that she hadn't done in years. She came and sat in my lap, in a public place, no less. She grabbed me and took our picture together. On the way home from a trip, she turned on the radio. I expected her to force the rest of us to listen to her whiny music without asking, but instead she scanned the stations. "What are you doing?" I asked. "I'm trying to find that football game on the radio that you're missing." It was a nice little favor to do, and also acknowledged that I had sacrificed something I wanted to do to take her and the kids to something else. She came into the bathroom when I was in there for no real reason, perhaps just to look at her naked husband. We had sex a couple of days later, with no whining or complaining.
Her activities and attitude have been more polite and cordial, suggesting she is actually interested in how I feel. It could be that she is just scared of me leaving her, but that isn't what it feels like. It seems like our little chat has increased some appreciation or attraction for me. It may have been that she actually remembered I wasn't such a bad guy after spending real time with me without a computer or TV on. Whatever it is, it has been a lot nicer.
Will this continue? I really don't know.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Communications Difficulties?
I have been pondering something that a lot of people have been saying about marital issues: it's all about communication. I hear it on TV, it's in tons of advice books, it's in people's comments on the Internet, and I have read this comment on this blog, too. People say that you have to "communicate effectively" to have a good relationship.
I'm not going to dispute that last fact. But that advice would seem more appropriate for an arm's-length business relationship with someone from a foreign country who doesn't speak the same langauge well. There are cases of misunderstandings because people don't listen well, but those are usually resolved eventually when the real meaning comes out.
But what exactly does that mean for a married couple that lives together? There are times I don't want to share my deepest thoughts, because I think it will be unhelpful or difficult to convey. But on our biggest problems, I don't think there is any problem communicating. I have made it clear what I want over and over again, and she has answered me with some variation of the same answer each time. She knows exactly what I am saying, and what I want. I want to live our lives with togetherness, intimacy, and sexual enjoyment; she does not. In fact, I don't know any couple who has ever had a major marital problem that boiled down to a real lack of communication. Even if one person is afraid to talk about something with the other, the real problem is usually that the other person overracts to things. Again, the communication isn't the problem; it's the reaction to what someone has said.
More talking about this problem isn't going to resolve it. Either her behavior changes, or mine will. Talk is cheap, and we can sit in this Mexican standoff forever if nothing changes.
I gotta say, a lot of people make a lot of money peddling this line. I just don't know why it's treated like some kind of magical elixir.
I'm not going to dispute that last fact. But that advice would seem more appropriate for an arm's-length business relationship with someone from a foreign country who doesn't speak the same langauge well. There are cases of misunderstandings because people don't listen well, but those are usually resolved eventually when the real meaning comes out.
But what exactly does that mean for a married couple that lives together? There are times I don't want to share my deepest thoughts, because I think it will be unhelpful or difficult to convey. But on our biggest problems, I don't think there is any problem communicating. I have made it clear what I want over and over again, and she has answered me with some variation of the same answer each time. She knows exactly what I am saying, and what I want. I want to live our lives with togetherness, intimacy, and sexual enjoyment; she does not. In fact, I don't know any couple who has ever had a major marital problem that boiled down to a real lack of communication. Even if one person is afraid to talk about something with the other, the real problem is usually that the other person overracts to things. Again, the communication isn't the problem; it's the reaction to what someone has said.
More talking about this problem isn't going to resolve it. Either her behavior changes, or mine will. Talk is cheap, and we can sit in this Mexican standoff forever if nothing changes.
I gotta say, a lot of people make a lot of money peddling this line. I just don't know why it's treated like some kind of magical elixir.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Have we made progress...and should there be a deadline?
I have been reflecting lately on just when I should finally give up on my wife. Right now, it is better for me to stay with her, and keep trying to improve the physical shape I am in and my manly attitide. However, at some point that won't be true. I keep a log on my calendar (properly encoded, of course, so no one will know what it means) of our sex life, just so I have some hard data whenever we get into the "but we just did it a couple of days ago" argument. (For record, whenever she says "a couple of days ago," it's at least four). I went looking through the log, as well as my posts on here, to see what, if anything, has changed.
I was surprised to learn that aspects of our life have gotten better since I started reading the magic books about four months ago. Much of the selfish, rotten and rude behavior has dried up. The missus for the last few weeks has made at least a small effort to spend time with me, and has out-of-the-blue offered to watch a TV show we both enjoy. She has sat next to me, physically touching, most evenings, without whining. Most of these changes were so small and gradual, I really had not noticed them.
Looking back through the log, our sex life has gotten just a tiny bit better. We were having sex once every couple of months or so two years ago, and having sex one or twice a month six months ago, to maybe two-or-three times a month now. Yes, proportionally that's a large increase from six months ago, but because the numbers are so small, an increase of just one extra time means an increase of 50%. I am not sure yet whether that is a fluke or a real improvement.
Because these improvements are just so glacially slow, it makes me wonder if we will ever get to where we need to be. I've been patient for so many years, but this car may just be out of gas when it's finally moving. I've just been pushed too far.
There is one glaring problem that makes all of these improvements not matter: she still will not touch me, on her own. She will let me touch her, even a little aggressively sometimes. However, she will not ever initiate contact, nor will she show any emotion to indicate she enjoys it. I still feel like I am touching an unresponsive mannequin. This is a dealbreaker for me; regardless of what else goes on, I need her to make contact with me every day. I am sure there are plenty of other women out in the world who will do so.
What else is still a problem?
- She is still completely addicted to TV and the Internet. She completely denies how much time she spends on it, which just makes it that more sad. This will have to be dealt with soon, I think. I think sometime in August is a good time to bring it up.
- She cannot stand up to her parents, and they are terrible marital role models.
- There is still too much selfishness on her part when it comes to time and money.
- Even though she offers to watch TV with me, it's still....her activity. At no point does she offer to do something else.
- Yes, we are having sex more often, but it's still awful, and it's still not enough to where I feel loved.
I have decided to continue my current course for at least a three more months, and see where I am at then.
I was surprised to learn that aspects of our life have gotten better since I started reading the magic books about four months ago. Much of the selfish, rotten and rude behavior has dried up. The missus for the last few weeks has made at least a small effort to spend time with me, and has out-of-the-blue offered to watch a TV show we both enjoy. She has sat next to me, physically touching, most evenings, without whining. Most of these changes were so small and gradual, I really had not noticed them.
Looking back through the log, our sex life has gotten just a tiny bit better. We were having sex once every couple of months or so two years ago, and having sex one or twice a month six months ago, to maybe two-or-three times a month now. Yes, proportionally that's a large increase from six months ago, but because the numbers are so small, an increase of just one extra time means an increase of 50%. I am not sure yet whether that is a fluke or a real improvement.
Because these improvements are just so glacially slow, it makes me wonder if we will ever get to where we need to be. I've been patient for so many years, but this car may just be out of gas when it's finally moving. I've just been pushed too far.
There is one glaring problem that makes all of these improvements not matter: she still will not touch me, on her own. She will let me touch her, even a little aggressively sometimes. However, she will not ever initiate contact, nor will she show any emotion to indicate she enjoys it. I still feel like I am touching an unresponsive mannequin. This is a dealbreaker for me; regardless of what else goes on, I need her to make contact with me every day. I am sure there are plenty of other women out in the world who will do so.
What else is still a problem?
- She is still completely addicted to TV and the Internet. She completely denies how much time she spends on it, which just makes it that more sad. This will have to be dealt with soon, I think. I think sometime in August is a good time to bring it up.
- She cannot stand up to her parents, and they are terrible marital role models.
- There is still too much selfishness on her part when it comes to time and money.
- Even though she offers to watch TV with me, it's still....her activity. At no point does she offer to do something else.
- Yes, we are having sex more often, but it's still awful, and it's still not enough to where I feel loved.
I have decided to continue my current course for at least a three more months, and see where I am at then.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
A little numb....
I am sorry I have not written anything here in some while. I was waiting to have something interesting to say, but not much has changed in the last couple of weeks.
If you have read some of my other posts, you know I was going to try and pay "special attention" to my sister-in-law while she was here. No affairs, nothing truly out-of-bounds, but just enough to wake-up my wife to the possibility that I could go find other options. Well, that didn't work out. Her sister's husband is out of work, and so came along on the trip. I didn't really want to deal with him, too.
I have no idea why she stays with him. My sister-in-law's husband has been out of work now for over six months, and doesn't really show any signs of actually getting a job. He is not really a bad guy, all things considered, but he has a bad habit of getting fired or laid off, and then not finding work for months on end. He waits until his unemployment insurance runs out, and then goes to find another job. The last time he was unemployed for eleven months and two weeks. After no interviews for months on end, he miraculously got a job right before his year-long UI ran out. At home, he is your stereotypical lazy-ass husband who just sits on the couch watching TV or the Internet. He is so overweight he came down with diabetes in his late 20's.
The week they were here was stressful. Their kids are not mean or sassy, but they are horribly undisciplined and poorly behaved. Their parents have zero parenting skills. After three days of being stuck with disciplining their brats, I was really ready for them to go.
The other big problem was that they were here during our anniversary. I took the wife out to dinner without anyone else, which is as it should be. After we got back, I tried to put the kids to bed, but my wife and her sister kept asking if they could stay up a little longer to watch some special on TV. I acquiesed, but gave them a firm bedtime. As that time got nearer, I wondered if I was really getting snookered out of my romantic evening. Again, I had to deal with bad children. After they went to bed, I mentioned "going upstairs" to the wife. She said something about "no, no one's asleep yet" and something about watching some idiotic program for a minute. As I seethed, my sister-in-law instantly picked up that something was wrong. She kept asking me what the problem was, and I just shook my head. After sitting through a half hour of stupid TV, my wife's sister, figuring out what the trouble was, excused herself and her husband. (Her obtuse blockhead of a sister couldn't figure it out).
We went upstairs and had sex. It was better than usual, but I'm still going to mark it as a loss. I did not get my romantic evening; I spent the whole evening wrangling children and entertaining in-laws. There was nothing special about the sex. The one thing I had asked my wife for our anniversary was for some romance and time alone, and I really didn't get that.
The next morning, I blew up about my frustrations with her, and how she seemed to actively try to ruin every romantic holiday. My sister-in-law must've overheard the conversation, as they had a quick private chat. I have no idea what was overheard, but my wife was nothing but nice to me after that for the next couple of days. She actually held my hand once or twice unbidden. Sis even stuck up for me when my wife made a particularly silly acusation about something.
That was all fine and dandy, until they left. Then the old ice queen was back.
I am just numb. I have tried and tried to tell my wife that there is nothing acceptable about having a wife that won't touch her husband, but she just doesn't care. I haven't said the one thing that would get her attention: "if you do not change, I will leave you." I'll get things in order in the next few months, and once that happens, I will let her know. Like all large human tragedies, this one is completely avoidable. She will protest, and cry, and act completely flabbergasted. "I didn't know you felt so strongly about this!" Oh, but you do; you just don't want to change. There is only so much one man can do. I have tried everything I can on the sweet side to resolve this. I am all out of honey; get ready for the vinegar.
If you have read some of my other posts, you know I was going to try and pay "special attention" to my sister-in-law while she was here. No affairs, nothing truly out-of-bounds, but just enough to wake-up my wife to the possibility that I could go find other options. Well, that didn't work out. Her sister's husband is out of work, and so came along on the trip. I didn't really want to deal with him, too.
I have no idea why she stays with him. My sister-in-law's husband has been out of work now for over six months, and doesn't really show any signs of actually getting a job. He is not really a bad guy, all things considered, but he has a bad habit of getting fired or laid off, and then not finding work for months on end. He waits until his unemployment insurance runs out, and then goes to find another job. The last time he was unemployed for eleven months and two weeks. After no interviews for months on end, he miraculously got a job right before his year-long UI ran out. At home, he is your stereotypical lazy-ass husband who just sits on the couch watching TV or the Internet. He is so overweight he came down with diabetes in his late 20's.
The week they were here was stressful. Their kids are not mean or sassy, but they are horribly undisciplined and poorly behaved. Their parents have zero parenting skills. After three days of being stuck with disciplining their brats, I was really ready for them to go.
The other big problem was that they were here during our anniversary. I took the wife out to dinner without anyone else, which is as it should be. After we got back, I tried to put the kids to bed, but my wife and her sister kept asking if they could stay up a little longer to watch some special on TV. I acquiesed, but gave them a firm bedtime. As that time got nearer, I wondered if I was really getting snookered out of my romantic evening. Again, I had to deal with bad children. After they went to bed, I mentioned "going upstairs" to the wife. She said something about "no, no one's asleep yet" and something about watching some idiotic program for a minute. As I seethed, my sister-in-law instantly picked up that something was wrong. She kept asking me what the problem was, and I just shook my head. After sitting through a half hour of stupid TV, my wife's sister, figuring out what the trouble was, excused herself and her husband. (Her obtuse blockhead of a sister couldn't figure it out).
We went upstairs and had sex. It was better than usual, but I'm still going to mark it as a loss. I did not get my romantic evening; I spent the whole evening wrangling children and entertaining in-laws. There was nothing special about the sex. The one thing I had asked my wife for our anniversary was for some romance and time alone, and I really didn't get that.
The next morning, I blew up about my frustrations with her, and how she seemed to actively try to ruin every romantic holiday. My sister-in-law must've overheard the conversation, as they had a quick private chat. I have no idea what was overheard, but my wife was nothing but nice to me after that for the next couple of days. She actually held my hand once or twice unbidden. Sis even stuck up for me when my wife made a particularly silly acusation about something.
That was all fine and dandy, until they left. Then the old ice queen was back.
I am just numb. I have tried and tried to tell my wife that there is nothing acceptable about having a wife that won't touch her husband, but she just doesn't care. I haven't said the one thing that would get her attention: "if you do not change, I will leave you." I'll get things in order in the next few months, and once that happens, I will let her know. Like all large human tragedies, this one is completely avoidable. She will protest, and cry, and act completely flabbergasted. "I didn't know you felt so strongly about this!" Oh, but you do; you just don't want to change. There is only so much one man can do. I have tried everything I can on the sweet side to resolve this. I am all out of honey; get ready for the vinegar.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
No moving into drive out of park...
I happened to see part of an episode of Family Feud tonight. I don't think I have seen that show since I was a little kid. The question at hand was "What can a woman do to get her husband's sex drive out of park?"
As I sat there listening to the show, I had to admit: I had a hard time thinking of anything. The answers the contestants gave were pretty standard: wear lingerie, get him a drink, dance for him, simply get naked. Yet, these didn't come to mind. It occurred to me that my wife never does any of these things, or anything else, on the rare occasion that she actually initiates making love. She just turns out the lights, flops on her stomach, sticks her hind end up, and awaits a backrub. At first, this made me kind of bitter; I couldn't think of a dad-gum thing because the missus never tries anything.
It then occurred to me: regardless of my abilities, my wife really is a lousy lover. When she's not really in the mood, sex is awful. However, now that I think about it, even when she wants to have sex, it's pretty bad. She just lies there, waiting to be entertained. She doesn't seem to have a clue about seduction, or being tempting, or even trying to be extra attractive.
I've been wondering if I should, somehow, let her know this. Maybe if I "coach" her a little, maybe she might enjoy sex and intimacy better. Would it actually improve things at all between us, or would it just make her mad? Try as I might, I can't think of a way of expressing this that would help. "Hey Honey, just so you know, it's bad enough that you never want to have sex; when we do, it's positively awful!"
As I sat there listening to the show, I had to admit: I had a hard time thinking of anything. The answers the contestants gave were pretty standard: wear lingerie, get him a drink, dance for him, simply get naked. Yet, these didn't come to mind. It occurred to me that my wife never does any of these things, or anything else, on the rare occasion that she actually initiates making love. She just turns out the lights, flops on her stomach, sticks her hind end up, and awaits a backrub. At first, this made me kind of bitter; I couldn't think of a dad-gum thing because the missus never tries anything.
It then occurred to me: regardless of my abilities, my wife really is a lousy lover. When she's not really in the mood, sex is awful. However, now that I think about it, even when she wants to have sex, it's pretty bad. She just lies there, waiting to be entertained. She doesn't seem to have a clue about seduction, or being tempting, or even trying to be extra attractive.
I've been wondering if I should, somehow, let her know this. Maybe if I "coach" her a little, maybe she might enjoy sex and intimacy better. Would it actually improve things at all between us, or would it just make her mad? Try as I might, I can't think of a way of expressing this that would help. "Hey Honey, just so you know, it's bad enough that you never want to have sex; when we do, it's positively awful!"
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Irritating Sex Tips
I have been reading several books lately on how to improve my sex life (and, by extension, my marriage). For the most part, these books offer advice on how to improve a low-sex or sexless marriage (that's me!). Each book, however, contains a section on little tips for sparking a woman's sexual interest. Anyway, these little tips irritate me to no end. There is no way my wife and I are ready for any of these things. Grab her behind unexpectedly! Whisk her away for a romantic dinner! Sneak into the shower when she's in there!
I think the "sneaking into the shower" thing has been mentioned in three different books. It would be great fun, if I thought it would actually happen. My wife would freak out and get angry. There'd be the reversion to my favorite role she plays: the Morally Offended Victorian Schoolmarm. The Victorian Schoolmarm is personally affronted by any mention of that evil S-E-X!
Why in the world would someone think people in a sexless marriage could really have spontaneous sexual naughtiness? I'm guessing that the authors felt they needed a little something for people who bought the book but really don't need it, or maybe they just don't realize people in sexless marriages can't do this stuff. These tips are great when the wife actually has some interest in sex. When it's personally offensive to her, it's no different than if some letcherous molester tried it. Grabbing her ass will do nothing but make her act like she got stung by a bee. If I tried to take her dinner unexpectedly, she'd come up with some lame excuse for why she just physically can't eat food where there's romance in the air.
Further, all these little tips do is remind me of how many things I am missing out of in my marriage. It's a lot like someone who just got dumped by her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day walking through a makeout spot. Thanks a lot for the reminder!
I feel inspired to say that I will never, ever, post some tip or something on here that cannot be attempted by someone in a low-sex marriage. So be it.
I think the "sneaking into the shower" thing has been mentioned in three different books. It would be great fun, if I thought it would actually happen. My wife would freak out and get angry. There'd be the reversion to my favorite role she plays: the Morally Offended Victorian Schoolmarm. The Victorian Schoolmarm is personally affronted by any mention of that evil S-E-X!
Why in the world would someone think people in a sexless marriage could really have spontaneous sexual naughtiness? I'm guessing that the authors felt they needed a little something for people who bought the book but really don't need it, or maybe they just don't realize people in sexless marriages can't do this stuff. These tips are great when the wife actually has some interest in sex. When it's personally offensive to her, it's no different than if some letcherous molester tried it. Grabbing her ass will do nothing but make her act like she got stung by a bee. If I tried to take her dinner unexpectedly, she'd come up with some lame excuse for why she just physically can't eat food where there's romance in the air.
Further, all these little tips do is remind me of how many things I am missing out of in my marriage. It's a lot like someone who just got dumped by her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day walking through a makeout spot. Thanks a lot for the reminder!
I feel inspired to say that I will never, ever, post some tip or something on here that cannot be attempted by someone in a low-sex marriage. So be it.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Too much hurt...
The last few days have been frustrating. The missus has had a rough work schedule, which never puts her in a good mood. I joined a sports team that plays on Monday nights, which is when I normally drive my son to a club he belongs to. I have been driving him there for six years. My wife attempted to chew me out over the fact that she would have to drive him there; it's five minutes away. I don't think there was really any point to her anger except that she didn't want to do it. I was so angry I was ready to just walk out for good.
She later backed off, which I've noticed she will do if I actually get really angry about something. However, it just got me thinking.
If you've been reading my blog lately, you know I've been trying to improve myself to make myself more attractive (for lack of a better word) and masculine around her. I've created a self-imposed deadline, which should be about the time I have become a lot more fit, of when her behavior needs to change for good. As of now, I don't see that happening.
I got to thinking, though: what if she does change? Will I still want her? After all she has put me through, if there is a good chance I could find someone else who is younger, more pleasant, and more like me, would I stick with someone who has hurt me for so long for so many years?
I am not saying I would cheat on her, or even actively start looking for someone else, but this decision might not be so easy if I think I can get someone new. The guilt, though, might be too much.
My fitness plan is going well on some levels, not so well on others. After a couple of months of a restricted diet, I am really hungry and sick of drinking tap water. My weight loss has not progressed much, particularly since I switched to more weight lifting. On the plus side, for once I actually have some muscles (no, I am not trying to brag). The other day at a restaurant, I could feel my chest poking the table; it felt kind of like having small boobs.
I have always said that any woman trying to pick up someone at a gym is not going to look for a man like me. To my surprise, over the last couple of weeks I have noticed that there have been a half-dozen women -- and one dude -- who may have given me a second glance. Of course, they have all been ugly, overweight, badly aged, or a combination of those things, but it is a change. (The younger ones have been really ugly).
She later backed off, which I've noticed she will do if I actually get really angry about something. However, it just got me thinking.
If you've been reading my blog lately, you know I've been trying to improve myself to make myself more attractive (for lack of a better word) and masculine around her. I've created a self-imposed deadline, which should be about the time I have become a lot more fit, of when her behavior needs to change for good. As of now, I don't see that happening.
I got to thinking, though: what if she does change? Will I still want her? After all she has put me through, if there is a good chance I could find someone else who is younger, more pleasant, and more like me, would I stick with someone who has hurt me for so long for so many years?
I am not saying I would cheat on her, or even actively start looking for someone else, but this decision might not be so easy if I think I can get someone new. The guilt, though, might be too much.
My fitness plan is going well on some levels, not so well on others. After a couple of months of a restricted diet, I am really hungry and sick of drinking tap water. My weight loss has not progressed much, particularly since I switched to more weight lifting. On the plus side, for once I actually have some muscles (no, I am not trying to brag). The other day at a restaurant, I could feel my chest poking the table; it felt kind of like having small boobs.
I have always said that any woman trying to pick up someone at a gym is not going to look for a man like me. To my surprise, over the last couple of weeks I have noticed that there have been a half-dozen women -- and one dude -- who may have given me a second glance. Of course, they have all been ugly, overweight, badly aged, or a combination of those things, but it is a change. (The younger ones have been really ugly).
Friday, June 14, 2013
Why I write this...
I am sure many people wonder why I write this blog. Why do I put my most personal feelings and thoughts on the Internet, particularly about the bone-crushingly embarrassing fact that my wife will not sleep with me?
For one, simply writing this blog is a kind of emotional release. I have no one to talk about this, and I just feel better being able to put my feeling out somewhere, even if it is in the faceless anonymity of the Internet.
Two, I hoped I could help others out there in the same boat. The world is full of (mostly) men who are in the same predicament, and maybe knowing someone else has to struggle with the same thing may give them at least some small comfort.
Three, I think the conventional wisdom among professionals and others is, to be frank, completely wrong. There are a lot of opinions out there about frigidity and how to resolve it. Before I started this blog, I spent untold hours reading books, magazines, online articles and blogs, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that the overwhelming majority of opinions out there were simply dead wrong.
A few years ago, there was a movie (The King's Speech) about the struggles of the king of Great Britain during World War II (George VI) with a horrible stuttering problem. For a man whose single purpose was to provide public speechs of hope and comfort, this was trouble. He went to all kinds of credentialed doctors, none of whom were able to help him. There is a wonderful scene in the movie in which a doctor tells him to put marbles in his mouth. The doctor describes the legend of the ancient Greek orator, Demosthenes, who had a stuttering problem. According to legend, Demosthenes learned to speak properly by putting rocks in his mouth. After the marbles proved a ridiculous failure, the then-duke said "Has anyone actually gotten this cure to work since then?"
Eventually, the duke finds an uncredentialed, unconventional teacher who uses completely different methods to help him successfully cope with his stuttering.
I think this illustrates perfectly what I have read from so many so-called experts on frigidity. So many of these therapists and well-educated people say that the cure for frigidity is to do more chores, be more sensitive, and give in to your wife's complaints. In the next breath, these same people openly acknowledge that this rarely, if ever, actually works. Frigid women themselves love this theory, as it puts all the blame on their husbands while getting them a virtual household slave (at least until the guy wises up).
Believe me, I've tried those methods. I've tried doing more chores. I've tried being as nice as I can, even when my wife treats me like garbage. I've tiptoed around her like a servant who will be beaten for insolence. I've smiled till my mouth hurts while she spews one absurd excuse after another about why I just don't qualify for sex. The only result was that I was even more bitter afterwards.
There is a popular blog out there by a frigid woman that really gets my goat. It even has a story in the main page about how some poor sap read that helping out with the dishes would get him more sex. He did just that, then got disappointed when nothing happened. The conclusion the site draws is that he should just learn to live with it. But that's not really a solution at all! It's just a recipe for more misery. What a stupid, absurd, crock!
Other self-proclaimed experts (usually not therapists) say that, well, men with frigid wives are just shitty lovers, and if they could just be a little more tender, or magically grow a bigger d*ck, their wives would put out more. There is also no proof of this, nor is there any offered solution. These folks just like to feel a perverse pleasure that some poor bloke just can't get laid.
There is another camp of well-meaning people who latch on to the idea that frigid women are all tramautized. I don't doubt that there are plenty of men and women who are in that boat. The problem I have is that these folks assume every frigid woman, or almost every one, has been tramautized. I can tell you without a shred of doubt this is not my wife's problem, and there are scads of others who are the same way. It is as if these folks simply think there is no possibility that a perfectly normal woman would simply not went to have sex and intimacy while staying married.
It's as if there is an entire industry devoted to ideas and advice that everyone acknowledges just does not work. These people are no better than the medieval doctors who gave their patients leeches. Judging from the thousands of hits this site gets, there are thousands, maybe even millions of husbands out there trying to deal with this, and getting nothing but terrible advice from those unwilling to admit they don't really know what they're doing.
So, I have put this Web site together to try and find real answers to this problem. Surely there is a way out there to resolve this. It may not be pretty, or easy, but the misery out there is simply too much.
(As I have said before, I have found a few sources that say the real source of the problem is a lack of respect for the husband as a man. This seems to be the only approach that has come close to helping me and others.)
For one, simply writing this blog is a kind of emotional release. I have no one to talk about this, and I just feel better being able to put my feeling out somewhere, even if it is in the faceless anonymity of the Internet.
Two, I hoped I could help others out there in the same boat. The world is full of (mostly) men who are in the same predicament, and maybe knowing someone else has to struggle with the same thing may give them at least some small comfort.
Three, I think the conventional wisdom among professionals and others is, to be frank, completely wrong. There are a lot of opinions out there about frigidity and how to resolve it. Before I started this blog, I spent untold hours reading books, magazines, online articles and blogs, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that the overwhelming majority of opinions out there were simply dead wrong.
A few years ago, there was a movie (The King's Speech) about the struggles of the king of Great Britain during World War II (George VI) with a horrible stuttering problem. For a man whose single purpose was to provide public speechs of hope and comfort, this was trouble. He went to all kinds of credentialed doctors, none of whom were able to help him. There is a wonderful scene in the movie in which a doctor tells him to put marbles in his mouth. The doctor describes the legend of the ancient Greek orator, Demosthenes, who had a stuttering problem. According to legend, Demosthenes learned to speak properly by putting rocks in his mouth. After the marbles proved a ridiculous failure, the then-duke said "Has anyone actually gotten this cure to work since then?"
Eventually, the duke finds an uncredentialed, unconventional teacher who uses completely different methods to help him successfully cope with his stuttering.
I think this illustrates perfectly what I have read from so many so-called experts on frigidity. So many of these therapists and well-educated people say that the cure for frigidity is to do more chores, be more sensitive, and give in to your wife's complaints. In the next breath, these same people openly acknowledge that this rarely, if ever, actually works. Frigid women themselves love this theory, as it puts all the blame on their husbands while getting them a virtual household slave (at least until the guy wises up).
Believe me, I've tried those methods. I've tried doing more chores. I've tried being as nice as I can, even when my wife treats me like garbage. I've tiptoed around her like a servant who will be beaten for insolence. I've smiled till my mouth hurts while she spews one absurd excuse after another about why I just don't qualify for sex. The only result was that I was even more bitter afterwards.
There is a popular blog out there by a frigid woman that really gets my goat. It even has a story in the main page about how some poor sap read that helping out with the dishes would get him more sex. He did just that, then got disappointed when nothing happened. The conclusion the site draws is that he should just learn to live with it. But that's not really a solution at all! It's just a recipe for more misery. What a stupid, absurd, crock!
Other self-proclaimed experts (usually not therapists) say that, well, men with frigid wives are just shitty lovers, and if they could just be a little more tender, or magically grow a bigger d*ck, their wives would put out more. There is also no proof of this, nor is there any offered solution. These folks just like to feel a perverse pleasure that some poor bloke just can't get laid.
There is another camp of well-meaning people who latch on to the idea that frigid women are all tramautized. I don't doubt that there are plenty of men and women who are in that boat. The problem I have is that these folks assume every frigid woman, or almost every one, has been tramautized. I can tell you without a shred of doubt this is not my wife's problem, and there are scads of others who are the same way. It is as if these folks simply think there is no possibility that a perfectly normal woman would simply not went to have sex and intimacy while staying married.
It's as if there is an entire industry devoted to ideas and advice that everyone acknowledges just does not work. These people are no better than the medieval doctors who gave their patients leeches. Judging from the thousands of hits this site gets, there are thousands, maybe even millions of husbands out there trying to deal with this, and getting nothing but terrible advice from those unwilling to admit they don't really know what they're doing.
So, I have put this Web site together to try and find real answers to this problem. Surely there is a way out there to resolve this. It may not be pretty, or easy, but the misery out there is simply too much.
(As I have said before, I have found a few sources that say the real source of the problem is a lack of respect for the husband as a man. This seems to be the only approach that has come close to helping me and others.)
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Lonely again...
[Normally, I like to have a lesson or new information to my post. This post is going to be more of a personal update. Read it, maybe you'll like it. Just so you know...]
Tonight, the missus was supposed to be studying something for work. She has to pass this test to get another certification, which will mean a not-unsubstantial gain in her paycheck. I fully support this, just so you know. What I have hard time supporting is her study method.
Last week, she was about ready to completely give up. I helped her out, but it was still a struggle. One of the things I think is certainly hurting is the fact that she insists on studying with the TV on. I cannot imagine a worse way to imbibe chemical formulas into one's mind. After she said she was out of ideas on how to get better, I turned the TV off in the middle of her study session. After that, she finally made some headway, and her grades on the recent stuff has vastly improved.
Well, here we are a week later, and it's back to using the Idiot Box as a study aid. Maybe she will remember some of the stuff before she let the TV put a fuzz over her mind.
She was watching some dumb show about dancing tonight. Getting over a cold, I am pretty tired. After the kids went to bed, I decided to just cut out any complex maneuvering, and cut to the chase. Though she was wrapped up like a sardine in a blanket on the bed, I asked her if she would like to come downstairs and watch a pre-recorded show. My intentions are to sit together watching something we both can enjoy (I have no illusions about actual sex). She says no, she really wants to watch this stupid dancing competition, and it's on for two hours tonight.
At this point, I decide that it is better to fold on this one. Trying to convince her again will lead to a smug verbal retort that "I'm comfortable" and she doesn't want to get her lazy ass up to watch on the TV that has DVR. That would make me look weak, and that is the one thing I cannot do. The only real option if I want to continue this is to come back up in ten minutes and pick an argument over the fact that I am going to be ignored all evening. However, I really don't have the energy to do that, and I hate starting manipulative arguments, anyway.
So, it's back downstairs, by myself, to do whatever I want, as long as it doesn't involve anyone else.
I went back up a little after 10 to brush my teeth, and to make sure she saw me not showing emotion on this.
Here I am again, all by myself. I'm so glad I got married so I could be lonely, just like I was as a bachelor, only with a bitchy roommate spending my money and grousing about everything.
Tonight, the missus was supposed to be studying something for work. She has to pass this test to get another certification, which will mean a not-unsubstantial gain in her paycheck. I fully support this, just so you know. What I have hard time supporting is her study method.
Last week, she was about ready to completely give up. I helped her out, but it was still a struggle. One of the things I think is certainly hurting is the fact that she insists on studying with the TV on. I cannot imagine a worse way to imbibe chemical formulas into one's mind. After she said she was out of ideas on how to get better, I turned the TV off in the middle of her study session. After that, she finally made some headway, and her grades on the recent stuff has vastly improved.
Well, here we are a week later, and it's back to using the Idiot Box as a study aid. Maybe she will remember some of the stuff before she let the TV put a fuzz over her mind.
She was watching some dumb show about dancing tonight. Getting over a cold, I am pretty tired. After the kids went to bed, I decided to just cut out any complex maneuvering, and cut to the chase. Though she was wrapped up like a sardine in a blanket on the bed, I asked her if she would like to come downstairs and watch a pre-recorded show. My intentions are to sit together watching something we both can enjoy (I have no illusions about actual sex). She says no, she really wants to watch this stupid dancing competition, and it's on for two hours tonight.
At this point, I decide that it is better to fold on this one. Trying to convince her again will lead to a smug verbal retort that "I'm comfortable" and she doesn't want to get her lazy ass up to watch on the TV that has DVR. That would make me look weak, and that is the one thing I cannot do. The only real option if I want to continue this is to come back up in ten minutes and pick an argument over the fact that I am going to be ignored all evening. However, I really don't have the energy to do that, and I hate starting manipulative arguments, anyway.
So, it's back downstairs, by myself, to do whatever I want, as long as it doesn't involve anyone else.
I went back up a little after 10 to brush my teeth, and to make sure she saw me not showing emotion on this.
Here I am again, all by myself. I'm so glad I got married so I could be lonely, just like I was as a bachelor, only with a bitchy roommate spending my money and grousing about everything.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
One Issue Resolved, but Others No Better
From my last posts, readers could certainly tell that I was very frustrated. After making some (halting) progress on the physical affection front in early May, things seemed to have regressed to where they were. As of last week, we were only having sex once every couple of weeks again, and the last couple of times it's been bad. She does not take any interest in sitting with me, unless another woman seems to be taking an interest in me. I suppose I was driven batty by the promise, after all these years, of actual progress in being more intimate, and then it was inexplicably reversed as quickly as it came.
Not everything is bad. Her behavior towards me has gotten far more respectful of late. I have heard a lot more "please," "thank you," and even one "I'm sorry" in the last few weeks than I have heard in years. Perhaps once her respectfulness reaches a certain point her affection will return, too.
That said, I now think things are not going to improve enough before the deadline I have imposed on this process. Sadly, I really think she just doesn't get it, and doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are. If we get to the end of the deadline without further improvements, I will have to demand some counseling and some work on her part, but I suspect that will be no more fruitful than all my other efforts these past couple of years. I have to come to believe that she really just does not understand why I am so upset with her.
I finally just went and started an ugly discussion of what in the world she is trying to accomplish with screwing up our anniversary. I figured we were headed to an argument one way or another, so I might as well get it over with. To my surprise, she said that she had no problem going out on our anniversary, just the two of us, with her sister here. I was relieved, but she took offense to the whole question, and we had another frosty argument. I am going to continue my plan: to pay extra attention to my sister-in-law, and make sure my wife gets the hint.
The physical fitness regime is going well. I now have lost enough weight that friends have noticed. Being more blunt and assertive with the wife is also going well.
Not everything is bad. Her behavior towards me has gotten far more respectful of late. I have heard a lot more "please," "thank you," and even one "I'm sorry" in the last few weeks than I have heard in years. Perhaps once her respectfulness reaches a certain point her affection will return, too.
That said, I now think things are not going to improve enough before the deadline I have imposed on this process. Sadly, I really think she just doesn't get it, and doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are. If we get to the end of the deadline without further improvements, I will have to demand some counseling and some work on her part, but I suspect that will be no more fruitful than all my other efforts these past couple of years. I have to come to believe that she really just does not understand why I am so upset with her.
I finally just went and started an ugly discussion of what in the world she is trying to accomplish with screwing up our anniversary. I figured we were headed to an argument one way or another, so I might as well get it over with. To my surprise, she said that she had no problem going out on our anniversary, just the two of us, with her sister here. I was relieved, but she took offense to the whole question, and we had another frosty argument. I am going to continue my plan: to pay extra attention to my sister-in-law, and make sure my wife gets the hint.
The physical fitness regime is going well. I now have lost enough weight that friends have noticed. Being more blunt and assertive with the wife is also going well.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
No progress on one front
Today I would like to describe, in detail, all I have done as a husband, and what is waiting for me at the end of the day. Perhaps in a few weeks I can look at it and see if things are any better or worse. My wife's behavior towards me continues to get better, but we are still at a standstill with physical contact. Whatever progress was made a few weeks ago in that arena is not with us anymore.
On the plus side, I did my weekly team sport (a full four hours being gone from the house) without any whining or guilt trips from her. That is an improvement.
She actually made no objections when I told her I was going to switch to another team, which might mean being gone for additional time each week for a few weeks.
There was no nagging, criticisms, or requests for unreasonable things. Those are also improvements.
However, the list of what I did for her today was considerable. What did I get at the end? Zip.
When I got back from the game, I rushed through lunch so that she could get to an event with our daughter. When they left, I ran a load of laundry for her. This is normally her chore, and she didn't ask me, but I thought it would be nice so she wouldn't have a ton to do when she returned.
After the event with our daughter, she asked if she could go to the fitness center and work out by herself. This would mean that I could NOT work out at the same time, and I would have to watch the kids. This is not a big favor, and I did it to be nice, but it was still a favor.
After dinner, she asked me if I could go to the store and get her something for a work project she had to do at the house. When I didn't say anything (because that WAS an unreasonable request), she explained that she could save time by setting it up while I went to get the stuff. That made sense. Again, it was not a super-large favor, and I did it to be nice, but it was a favor.
I helped her out with the first part of her work training project. Once it was done, I helped our daughter get cleaned up for bed. Not a big deal, and one of us had to do it, but it was something I did.
She went upstairs after this to supposedly work on the second part of the work project. I agreed to watch the kids for an hour and a half so she could get it done. Once again, watching the kids is not unpleasant, and it made sense to do so so she could get this thing done, but I could've spent the time doing something else.
Her sister called unexpectedly about this time. Instead of working on the project, she talked on the phone for over an hour.
I put the kids to bed by myself. Not a big deal, and someone has to do it, but it doesn't have to be me. As I put the last one to bed, I walked into the bedroom and realized she was watching TV and on the Internet. The work project was not under way.
I decided to sit with her for a spell and see if there was any physical affection (not just sex) possible this evening. Her parents had been in town for several days, and they do their best to make sure none of that happens while they're here. Now they were gone, and we hadn't had sex in about a week and a half.
I sat through about fifteen minutes of the Bachelorette with her before deciding to say something. I can't stand that show, but I was willing to sit there tonight if there was at least some physical contact.
As I started the conversation, she immediately broke into a complaint about something she said I said in front of her mother a few days earlier. I had no idea what she was talking about. I honestly do not remember the conversation she said I had that was "extremely rude." I would bet it was something very minor that was taken completely out of context, and she apparently said nothing about it at the time.
After a few minutes of stony silence, I decided to snuggle up to her. At this point, she had decided to work on her work project, and needed help with the math. There was no way to try and snuggle now; she would just say I was interrupting an important work item, that was supposed to have been done about two hours earlier.
I helped her out with the math, and she finally put the books away. At this point, after sitting through an hour of a stupid TV show, and helping her with her work, it was now or never. I asked if she would want to snuggle up; she said "no," she just wanted to "lie down." (Whatever that means).
I am sure in her mind I am some kind of crappy husband who doesn't deserve affection, or she shouldn't bother to show it to me. Perhaps that snap about some remark I may or may not have made several days earlier was her little rationlization for today. That thing I said days ago absolved her from doing anything nice for me.
After sitting through an hour of a show I hate just to sit with her, running errands for her, helping her for a few hours on her work projects, and watching the kids for hours so she could work out and chat with her sister, I feel that I deserve something better than this. I didn't let her walk all over me, but goodness knows I did a lot of favors and tasks I really didn't have to do. I am not a shitty husband. I am not perfect, and there is also something more I can do. But that's not a requirement for being a good husband.
Perhaps tomorrow I will just act a little mean, maybe even be a complete ass, just to prove a point. I'm sure she'll have a list of complaints tomorrow at bedtime, and then I'll just say "I was nice all day yesterday, and it made no difference."
When I look at this in a few weeks, I hope I can say things have changed.
On the plus side, I did my weekly team sport (a full four hours being gone from the house) without any whining or guilt trips from her. That is an improvement.
She actually made no objections when I told her I was going to switch to another team, which might mean being gone for additional time each week for a few weeks.
There was no nagging, criticisms, or requests for unreasonable things. Those are also improvements.
However, the list of what I did for her today was considerable. What did I get at the end? Zip.
When I got back from the game, I rushed through lunch so that she could get to an event with our daughter. When they left, I ran a load of laundry for her. This is normally her chore, and she didn't ask me, but I thought it would be nice so she wouldn't have a ton to do when she returned.
After the event with our daughter, she asked if she could go to the fitness center and work out by herself. This would mean that I could NOT work out at the same time, and I would have to watch the kids. This is not a big favor, and I did it to be nice, but it was still a favor.
After dinner, she asked me if I could go to the store and get her something for a work project she had to do at the house. When I didn't say anything (because that WAS an unreasonable request), she explained that she could save time by setting it up while I went to get the stuff. That made sense. Again, it was not a super-large favor, and I did it to be nice, but it was a favor.
I helped her out with the first part of her work training project. Once it was done, I helped our daughter get cleaned up for bed. Not a big deal, and one of us had to do it, but it was something I did.
She went upstairs after this to supposedly work on the second part of the work project. I agreed to watch the kids for an hour and a half so she could get it done. Once again, watching the kids is not unpleasant, and it made sense to do so so she could get this thing done, but I could've spent the time doing something else.
Her sister called unexpectedly about this time. Instead of working on the project, she talked on the phone for over an hour.
I put the kids to bed by myself. Not a big deal, and someone has to do it, but it doesn't have to be me. As I put the last one to bed, I walked into the bedroom and realized she was watching TV and on the Internet. The work project was not under way.
I decided to sit with her for a spell and see if there was any physical affection (not just sex) possible this evening. Her parents had been in town for several days, and they do their best to make sure none of that happens while they're here. Now they were gone, and we hadn't had sex in about a week and a half.
I sat through about fifteen minutes of the Bachelorette with her before deciding to say something. I can't stand that show, but I was willing to sit there tonight if there was at least some physical contact.
As I started the conversation, she immediately broke into a complaint about something she said I said in front of her mother a few days earlier. I had no idea what she was talking about. I honestly do not remember the conversation she said I had that was "extremely rude." I would bet it was something very minor that was taken completely out of context, and she apparently said nothing about it at the time.
After a few minutes of stony silence, I decided to snuggle up to her. At this point, she had decided to work on her work project, and needed help with the math. There was no way to try and snuggle now; she would just say I was interrupting an important work item, that was supposed to have been done about two hours earlier.
I helped her out with the math, and she finally put the books away. At this point, after sitting through an hour of a stupid TV show, and helping her with her work, it was now or never. I asked if she would want to snuggle up; she said "no," she just wanted to "lie down." (Whatever that means).
I am sure in her mind I am some kind of crappy husband who doesn't deserve affection, or she shouldn't bother to show it to me. Perhaps that snap about some remark I may or may not have made several days earlier was her little rationlization for today. That thing I said days ago absolved her from doing anything nice for me.
After sitting through an hour of a show I hate just to sit with her, running errands for her, helping her for a few hours on her work projects, and watching the kids for hours so she could work out and chat with her sister, I feel that I deserve something better than this. I didn't let her walk all over me, but goodness knows I did a lot of favors and tasks I really didn't have to do. I am not a shitty husband. I am not perfect, and there is also something more I can do. But that's not a requirement for being a good husband.
Perhaps tomorrow I will just act a little mean, maybe even be a complete ass, just to prove a point. I'm sure she'll have a list of complaints tomorrow at bedtime, and then I'll just say "I was nice all day yesterday, and it made no difference."
When I look at this in a few weeks, I hope I can say things have changed.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Steps back, and lots of makeup
After a good start to my “transformational plan,” the last
couple of weeks have been a little rough.
Though she is behaving more respectfully, something in my wife’s attitude
seems to have shifted. Though her
actions and words toward me continue to improve, her posture and outlook have
ceased to be positive. We have only had
sex once since something changed, and she has not been sitting with me as
closely. She doesn’t smile so much. If I had to describe how she has behaved, I
would choose the words “brittle” and “nervous.”
She is “brittle” because she always seems to be a little irritated about
something, but she won’t say what it is.
She doesn’t seem to be irritated at me, but rather at something else in
general. I would say she is acting
nervous or scared as she just seems to be on edge around me.
The biggest change, though, has been in her attention to her appearance. She is almost obsessing over it. Every day, she spends a little more time on how she looks, and it has escalated to where fixing up her appearance is taking most of her free time in the morning. I have never seen her wear so much make-up. She has started scrubbing her face with multiple cleansers every day, whereas before she might have done this only once or twice a month with one of them. She started using a cream to take away the bags under her eyes. She has started putting her hair up. She has always washed off her face before bed with a special cloth, but now I am simply amazed at how much makeup comes off on it. She is not quite in “Tammy Faye Bakker” territory (for those of you who remember who that is), but we’re getting there.
Now that she is wearing so much makeup, I notice more how she looks when it is not on. I have noticed that she is starting to show her age now more. This is only natural, but up until now she could have easily passed for a much younger woman.
Yesterday, she was almost in tears when she told me she had put on 5 pounds in the last few weeks. She had no idea how it had happened. I have to agree; she is actually a very healthy eater, and almost never eats sweets or dessert. I told her maybe it was a case of bloating or something, but she wasn’t consoled.
I have to say, I am really puzzled by all this. The books warned me that working on myself would make her also improve her appearance, but this seems a little overboard. I certainly hope that is what is going on; if I wasn’t expecting this, I would think she was trying to impress somebody at work. That would certainly NOT be a good thing.
I just wish I could understand why her attitude got so cold again so quickly. She got super-worked up over something really silly one night; she just went on and on about a plate my son had left out on the table. After that, her attitude shifted. I thought I was assertive enough, but maybe that wasn’t the issue. To be nice, I was extra gentle the last time we had sex, as a kind of reward for being so nice; maybe that came off as submissive or something. Then again, maybe it is something completely different.
At this point, it should be clear that I have lost some weight and have put on a little more muscle. The other night we both noticed that several of my shirts were suddenly too small; she was sure they didn’t shrink in the wash. I didn’t say anything, but I suspect my slightly-larger chest is now too big for them.
If I had to speculate, I would think she noticed my physique getting better, and tried to improve her own. From there, I am guessing she realized how much she has aged, and is having a mini-crisis over it. She is now desperately trying to fix it, and she’s getting depressed about it. Maybe she is not even thinking about me.
Since the argument about the plate, she has stopped sitting next to me at night, and we’re back to the frosty grumble about needing “time for herself” and not wanting to spend her day off with me. In other words, ignoring me for TV and the Internet.
The stupid thing about all of this is that the solution to her woes with me would be just to treat me better and show me physical affection. I could love her enough to help her through this, if she would let me.
This whole thing has been a real downer. A few days ago, I considered being more obvious about my better appearance, in order to maybe shake her out of this funk. Now, I have decided subtlety and patience are a better approach. I definitely don’t want to “rub her face” in it. Her sister is coming to stay with us in a few weeks, and I have decided I will rock the boat a little then.
I really like her sister a lot. Her sister’s husband has, once again, become suddenly unemployed, and I know this is making her anxious and disappointed with him. The last time he was out of work he stayed unemployed for months and months, only getting a job two weeks before his very generous unemployment insurance finally ran out. If there is one thing on the “man-worthiness” scale I can do, it is provide for my family, if not spectacularly, at least well-enough. What’s more, he doesn’t exactly stand up to her well. She constantly pushes his buttons to get a reaction, and instead of just blowing up and getting on with things, he gets himself worked up and irritated, which probably doesn’t make her respect him as much. He isn’t a bad guy at all, and I like him a lot. I certainly would not do anything to endanger their relationship. However, she should be ripe for a little positive encouragement from me.
A couple of years ago, I suspect she was hinting that she wanted to take on some “extra activities” with me during another rough patch with her hubby, if you know what I mean. I didn’t take her up on them. I was almost tempted to try again this trip; at least I would know I could have sex on or near my anniversary (ha ha).
What I will do is to pay extra attention to my sister-in-law. I won’t flirt with her, much less cheat on my wife with her. I am just going to subtly, and at times not-so-subtly, show her some extra positive interaction. A little extra smile her, a nod there, and a few extra minutes listening to an otherwise boring story will go a long way. I’ll make more casual contact physically; nothing to be creepy or “touchy-feely,” but just a little something to get someone’s attention. I will touch her arm a little more, and maybe put my hand on her back for a brief moment now and then. At the same time, by the time she gets here, I should be noticeably slimmer and more fit, if all goes according to plan. She has not seen me in some time. In her current state, I would bet my sister-in-law will react very well to some extra time spent by me. At the same time, I will be a little cold and detached with my wife.
My wife is prettier than her sister, but her sister is younger, has a much better figure, and has really big tits. Also, her sister is very successful professionally, something my wife cannot say. Occasionally, I notice there is a little uptick on the jealousy meter from my wife when talking about her sis.
Hopefully, my wife’s sister will react well to me. My wife’s emotions will get triggered on two fronts. One, the positive attention from another woman will make her naturally think better of me. Two, maybe she will get a little threatened by this, and realize she has a better lot in life than she thinks. Nothing makes my wife treat me better than having another woman pay attention to me.
I hope no one will think this is very cold, calculated, and manipulative. I am simply trying to turn the tables on her.
In the meantime, I will keep up trying to be assertive, more cool, and keep up the physical fitness routine. I have decided to do at least 30 minutes of good, solid exercise every day from now on.
The biggest change, though, has been in her attention to her appearance. She is almost obsessing over it. Every day, she spends a little more time on how she looks, and it has escalated to where fixing up her appearance is taking most of her free time in the morning. I have never seen her wear so much make-up. She has started scrubbing her face with multiple cleansers every day, whereas before she might have done this only once or twice a month with one of them. She started using a cream to take away the bags under her eyes. She has started putting her hair up. She has always washed off her face before bed with a special cloth, but now I am simply amazed at how much makeup comes off on it. She is not quite in “Tammy Faye Bakker” territory (for those of you who remember who that is), but we’re getting there.
Now that she is wearing so much makeup, I notice more how she looks when it is not on. I have noticed that she is starting to show her age now more. This is only natural, but up until now she could have easily passed for a much younger woman.
Yesterday, she was almost in tears when she told me she had put on 5 pounds in the last few weeks. She had no idea how it had happened. I have to agree; she is actually a very healthy eater, and almost never eats sweets or dessert. I told her maybe it was a case of bloating or something, but she wasn’t consoled.
I have to say, I am really puzzled by all this. The books warned me that working on myself would make her also improve her appearance, but this seems a little overboard. I certainly hope that is what is going on; if I wasn’t expecting this, I would think she was trying to impress somebody at work. That would certainly NOT be a good thing.
I just wish I could understand why her attitude got so cold again so quickly. She got super-worked up over something really silly one night; she just went on and on about a plate my son had left out on the table. After that, her attitude shifted. I thought I was assertive enough, but maybe that wasn’t the issue. To be nice, I was extra gentle the last time we had sex, as a kind of reward for being so nice; maybe that came off as submissive or something. Then again, maybe it is something completely different.
At this point, it should be clear that I have lost some weight and have put on a little more muscle. The other night we both noticed that several of my shirts were suddenly too small; she was sure they didn’t shrink in the wash. I didn’t say anything, but I suspect my slightly-larger chest is now too big for them.
If I had to speculate, I would think she noticed my physique getting better, and tried to improve her own. From there, I am guessing she realized how much she has aged, and is having a mini-crisis over it. She is now desperately trying to fix it, and she’s getting depressed about it. Maybe she is not even thinking about me.
Since the argument about the plate, she has stopped sitting next to me at night, and we’re back to the frosty grumble about needing “time for herself” and not wanting to spend her day off with me. In other words, ignoring me for TV and the Internet.
The stupid thing about all of this is that the solution to her woes with me would be just to treat me better and show me physical affection. I could love her enough to help her through this, if she would let me.
This whole thing has been a real downer. A few days ago, I considered being more obvious about my better appearance, in order to maybe shake her out of this funk. Now, I have decided subtlety and patience are a better approach. I definitely don’t want to “rub her face” in it. Her sister is coming to stay with us in a few weeks, and I have decided I will rock the boat a little then.
I really like her sister a lot. Her sister’s husband has, once again, become suddenly unemployed, and I know this is making her anxious and disappointed with him. The last time he was out of work he stayed unemployed for months and months, only getting a job two weeks before his very generous unemployment insurance finally ran out. If there is one thing on the “man-worthiness” scale I can do, it is provide for my family, if not spectacularly, at least well-enough. What’s more, he doesn’t exactly stand up to her well. She constantly pushes his buttons to get a reaction, and instead of just blowing up and getting on with things, he gets himself worked up and irritated, which probably doesn’t make her respect him as much. He isn’t a bad guy at all, and I like him a lot. I certainly would not do anything to endanger their relationship. However, she should be ripe for a little positive encouragement from me.
A couple of years ago, I suspect she was hinting that she wanted to take on some “extra activities” with me during another rough patch with her hubby, if you know what I mean. I didn’t take her up on them. I was almost tempted to try again this trip; at least I would know I could have sex on or near my anniversary (ha ha).
What I will do is to pay extra attention to my sister-in-law. I won’t flirt with her, much less cheat on my wife with her. I am just going to subtly, and at times not-so-subtly, show her some extra positive interaction. A little extra smile her, a nod there, and a few extra minutes listening to an otherwise boring story will go a long way. I’ll make more casual contact physically; nothing to be creepy or “touchy-feely,” but just a little something to get someone’s attention. I will touch her arm a little more, and maybe put my hand on her back for a brief moment now and then. At the same time, by the time she gets here, I should be noticeably slimmer and more fit, if all goes according to plan. She has not seen me in some time. In her current state, I would bet my sister-in-law will react very well to some extra time spent by me. At the same time, I will be a little cold and detached with my wife.
My wife is prettier than her sister, but her sister is younger, has a much better figure, and has really big tits. Also, her sister is very successful professionally, something my wife cannot say. Occasionally, I notice there is a little uptick on the jealousy meter from my wife when talking about her sis.
Hopefully, my wife’s sister will react well to me. My wife’s emotions will get triggered on two fronts. One, the positive attention from another woman will make her naturally think better of me. Two, maybe she will get a little threatened by this, and realize she has a better lot in life than she thinks. Nothing makes my wife treat me better than having another woman pay attention to me.
I hope no one will think this is very cold, calculated, and manipulative. I am simply trying to turn the tables on her.
In the meantime, I will keep up trying to be assertive, more cool, and keep up the physical fitness routine. I have decided to do at least 30 minutes of good, solid exercise every day from now on.
The Metamorphisis Part VI: Not all wine and roses, yet
This is a part of a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
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In my last post, I discussed the positive changes that have come over my wife since I started purposefully modifying my behavior. Unfortunately, it has been all positive. This has kind of been a "two steps foward, one step backwards" kind of progress. Now, I am going to bring up some of the backward steps.
There are a couple of areas that haunt me all the time, and make me wonder if I should even bother trying to fix things.
The first is the fear that she has committed adultery at some point, in which case I will leave her no matter what. Yes, some people forgive their spouses after adultery (maybe even a lot of adultery), but given how little affection I have gotten over the years, I am not one of them. If so, and I find out about it, all this will have been a waste.
The second fear is that my wife's motives ultimately are not pure. By that, I think there are one of two ways her mind views her frigidity:
A) She really does love me deep down, but simply does not have any attraction for me. She really would like to have sex, but either something below the surface makes it difficult, or she simply cannot resist some other activity all the time. She has no idea how much this hurts me. She does not realize she has an addiction to electronic toys. She has gradually lapsed into her lazy, and disrespectful behaviors because no one has stopped her until now.
The other option is:
B) She does not really care for me at all deep down. She loves my paycheck, the childcare and the lawn service, and she gets to watch her precious TV and Facebook every night. She has to put out every once in a while and buy me a card three times a year so I don't completely lose hope, but ultimately it's a small price to pay to get all the material comforts. Sex is simply a way to exert power. From her standpoint, it's a pretty sweet life, and I'm the chump that makes it happen. She certainly doesn't want it to change.
At this point, I think her motives on this are completely subconscious, but they have to be there. I have operated on the assumption so far that somewhere, deep down, she really does not mean to hurt me, and has just fallen into this life accidentally. I have assumed she was on option "A." However, I am always fearful that I am quite mistaken, and that she is really on option "B." In that case, I am simply wasting time and effort trying to get her to change.
All that said, some of the negative times we have had recently have made me wonder what she really is thinking. She has, a few times, attempted what appear to be last-ditch efforts to save her dominance over the sex part. One time when I was not at home, she told my son he could do something I had forbidden earlier. This is a big no-no. We have a firm agreement that one parent does not overrule the other; punishments one gives cannot be taken away by the other. During the discussion, she tried to claim that I had not asked her about his punishment before I gave it. She tried to claim a basic veto over everything I do with them. This was ridiculous, and I suspect the only reason she tried it was she was nursing a wound over my new assertiveness. I just ignored it. During sex another night, she tried to tell me I had no right to complain, and that this was a favor from her. She had actually initiated it, so it was hard to take that seriously. Again, I ignored it.
So, what next? The basic plan has not changed since I read the books: be more assertive, stay emotionally detached, and get as physically fit as possible. Maybe she will change, maybe she won't. Only time will tell.
-------------------------------------------------------
In my last post, I discussed the positive changes that have come over my wife since I started purposefully modifying my behavior. Unfortunately, it has been all positive. This has kind of been a "two steps foward, one step backwards" kind of progress. Now, I am going to bring up some of the backward steps.
There are a couple of areas that haunt me all the time, and make me wonder if I should even bother trying to fix things.
The first is the fear that she has committed adultery at some point, in which case I will leave her no matter what. Yes, some people forgive their spouses after adultery (maybe even a lot of adultery), but given how little affection I have gotten over the years, I am not one of them. If so, and I find out about it, all this will have been a waste.
The second fear is that my wife's motives ultimately are not pure. By that, I think there are one of two ways her mind views her frigidity:
A) She really does love me deep down, but simply does not have any attraction for me. She really would like to have sex, but either something below the surface makes it difficult, or she simply cannot resist some other activity all the time. She has no idea how much this hurts me. She does not realize she has an addiction to electronic toys. She has gradually lapsed into her lazy, and disrespectful behaviors because no one has stopped her until now.
The other option is:
B) She does not really care for me at all deep down. She loves my paycheck, the childcare and the lawn service, and she gets to watch her precious TV and Facebook every night. She has to put out every once in a while and buy me a card three times a year so I don't completely lose hope, but ultimately it's a small price to pay to get all the material comforts. Sex is simply a way to exert power. From her standpoint, it's a pretty sweet life, and I'm the chump that makes it happen. She certainly doesn't want it to change.
At this point, I think her motives on this are completely subconscious, but they have to be there. I have operated on the assumption so far that somewhere, deep down, she really does not mean to hurt me, and has just fallen into this life accidentally. I have assumed she was on option "A." However, I am always fearful that I am quite mistaken, and that she is really on option "B." In that case, I am simply wasting time and effort trying to get her to change.
All that said, some of the negative times we have had recently have made me wonder what she really is thinking. She has, a few times, attempted what appear to be last-ditch efforts to save her dominance over the sex part. One time when I was not at home, she told my son he could do something I had forbidden earlier. This is a big no-no. We have a firm agreement that one parent does not overrule the other; punishments one gives cannot be taken away by the other. During the discussion, she tried to claim that I had not asked her about his punishment before I gave it. She tried to claim a basic veto over everything I do with them. This was ridiculous, and I suspect the only reason she tried it was she was nursing a wound over my new assertiveness. I just ignored it. During sex another night, she tried to tell me I had no right to complain, and that this was a favor from her. She had actually initiated it, so it was hard to take that seriously. Again, I ignored it.
So, what next? The basic plan has not changed since I read the books: be more assertive, stay emotionally detached, and get as physically fit as possible. Maybe she will change, maybe she won't. Only time will tell.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
The Metamorphisis Part V: Are the Winds of Change Blowing?
This is a part of a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in mid-May, 2013; actually finished May 23, 2013]
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[Post started back in mid-May, 2013; actually finished May 23, 2013]
When I started what I call the “personal transformation,” I
really had my doubts. The plan was to
make myself more attractive to women in general. My wife would become interested in me, whether
because she herself became more attracted, she sensed other women getting
attracted to me, or she was nervous about me jumping ship. If she didn’t respond, I would be in a better
position to look for someone else.
I would make myself more assertive, less emotional, and more physically fit. Making more money and having more status won’t hurt, either, but are probably not possible in the short term. I have had a reasonable amount of success with the getting fit part, though I have farther to go than I thought. I have tried my best to come off as more assertive and leader-like, though that is harder. For more details, see my last post. I was not sure how my wife would take this.
I did not mention sex at all for the first few weeks. I didn’t want to look weak by getting rejected and taking it poorly, and moreover I wasn’t sure I could pull it off in my more “aloof” mode. I was surprised by what happened during that period.
The first week didn’t go that eventfully. After the first week, though, my wife started sitting with me without being asked after the kids went to bed. (For us, that is actually a large change). She started turning the TV to shows we could both tolerate. I would prefer to do something more active, but this is still a small, baby-step improvement. The first few days, she sat on the other side of the room, but after that she moved closer, until she was actually sitting next to me. (Again, this is a change.) About the third day of the second week, she reached over, grabbed my hand, and put it on her knee. Again, for her, this was very different than the status quo.
(If you are wondering why I haven’t been blogging much in the last few weeks, and wrote these last few posts well after the fact, this is why. I normally write my blog entries while she is asleep or occupied with her TV shows. I couldn’t very well do so while we were actually spending time together; not that that is a bad thing.)
After a couple of weeks of her sitting with me at night, she initiated sex one night. Though I was wary, I decided not to turn her down. I would actually describe it as fairly good for us; she had no problems with me touching her anywhere. Things go so much better when she actually wants to do something. Of course, it had been about two-and-a-half weeks since we had done anything; though that is still a short period for her, even she might have a limit. She didn’t actually touch me on her own, but this is still mighty better than what we usually do.
After that night, she continued to sit with me at night. I didn’t bring up sex again for another week or so. Her behavior towards me improved just ever so slightly: less complaining, less attempts to be bossy, more smiling. She even came and sat in my lap for about half a minute once.
We had an ugly argument one night about the fact that she had refused to help the children get ready for bed because it interrupted her TV show. She brought up our disagreements about sex, and declared that she would never, ever, want to have sex on a somewhat-regular basis. We both finally just quit from exhaustion, and agreed to talk more later.
A couple of days after that, she initiated sex again. It wasn’t quite as nice as the previous time, but she was still ready and willing. That makes things about 1,000 times better.
A few days after that, she had to take a day off from work to take care of one of a sick child. When I came home, the house was spotless. She had cleaned the whole place. She had baked a cake, and there was one of my favorite dishes (lasagna) cooking in the oven. I was flabbergasted.
As I marveled at all she’d done that day, she said “I know you were wondering what I did with my time today: was I playing on Facebook all day, or did I take care of the house? Well, I decided to take care of things.”
I didn’t know what to say. Actually, I was thinking she played on Facebook all day. I was amazed and glad I was wrong.
That night, I decided to suggest some intimate activities, even though it had only been a few days since the last time. She said “I’m not sure.” In the past, this has always really meant “no, I just don’t want to hurt your feelings.” After a short period of mutual silence, she suddenly asked, “Didn’t we just do this not too long ago?” I just shrugged. I didn’t say anything else, assuming there was nothing more to gain from trying to sway her.
(Later, I read in the books I have been consulting that this means she really does want me to convince her; with my wife, that has never worked.)
The next day, I had an old friend come over to visit. She was pleasant and kind, and didn’t disappear to do something else on the computer.
After he left late at night, we both went to our bedroom to get ready for bed. I was debating whether to suggest intimate activities again. While I was thinking it over, the missus turned the light off and turned off the volume off the ever-present TV. I asked, “What are you doing?” and she wordlessly came over to me for sex. Again, I was really surprised, and things go so much better when she actually wants to do something. A little more than a week after declaring that she would never have sex twice in one week, she did precisely that on her own accord.
I have to say I really do not know what to make of all this. All these years of frustration, and all I had to do was exercise more and tell her to go to hell when she was rude? Is this really the solution to her frigidity?
Everything I have done in this plan to change myself has been a kind of paradox. To get her to treat me with respect, I have had to have a short temper, and sometimes behave like a borderline jerk, when she is ugly to me. To get her to want me more, I have to make myself more attractive to other women. For her to warm up to me physically, I have to act cold and aloof.
The books were right about something else. They said that if I stepped up my game in the male attractiveness segment, she would also try to up hers, as well. I’ve noticed a couple of new things. She’s now going to the fitness center at least a couple of times a week, where before she only went a couple of times a month. A few days ago, she asked if I would mind if she went to the doctor to see about getting her varicose veins removed. She has had them for years, maybe as long as I have known her, and this is the first time she has talked about getting rid of them. To be frank, I am not sure these new developments are good. If the whole point of this is for me to become at least as attractive as her, maybe more so, anything she does to make herself more attractive defeats some of the gains I have made. At least, that is how I understand how this is supposed to work.
This hasn’t been a complete success. There have been a few days which were not pleasant at all, and the last week in particular has been rough. I think this is enough material for now, and I will write about those other episodes in the next post.
I would make myself more assertive, less emotional, and more physically fit. Making more money and having more status won’t hurt, either, but are probably not possible in the short term. I have had a reasonable amount of success with the getting fit part, though I have farther to go than I thought. I have tried my best to come off as more assertive and leader-like, though that is harder. For more details, see my last post. I was not sure how my wife would take this.
I did not mention sex at all for the first few weeks. I didn’t want to look weak by getting rejected and taking it poorly, and moreover I wasn’t sure I could pull it off in my more “aloof” mode. I was surprised by what happened during that period.
The first week didn’t go that eventfully. After the first week, though, my wife started sitting with me without being asked after the kids went to bed. (For us, that is actually a large change). She started turning the TV to shows we could both tolerate. I would prefer to do something more active, but this is still a small, baby-step improvement. The first few days, she sat on the other side of the room, but after that she moved closer, until she was actually sitting next to me. (Again, this is a change.) About the third day of the second week, she reached over, grabbed my hand, and put it on her knee. Again, for her, this was very different than the status quo.
(If you are wondering why I haven’t been blogging much in the last few weeks, and wrote these last few posts well after the fact, this is why. I normally write my blog entries while she is asleep or occupied with her TV shows. I couldn’t very well do so while we were actually spending time together; not that that is a bad thing.)
After a couple of weeks of her sitting with me at night, she initiated sex one night. Though I was wary, I decided not to turn her down. I would actually describe it as fairly good for us; she had no problems with me touching her anywhere. Things go so much better when she actually wants to do something. Of course, it had been about two-and-a-half weeks since we had done anything; though that is still a short period for her, even she might have a limit. She didn’t actually touch me on her own, but this is still mighty better than what we usually do.
After that night, she continued to sit with me at night. I didn’t bring up sex again for another week or so. Her behavior towards me improved just ever so slightly: less complaining, less attempts to be bossy, more smiling. She even came and sat in my lap for about half a minute once.
We had an ugly argument one night about the fact that she had refused to help the children get ready for bed because it interrupted her TV show. She brought up our disagreements about sex, and declared that she would never, ever, want to have sex on a somewhat-regular basis. We both finally just quit from exhaustion, and agreed to talk more later.
A couple of days after that, she initiated sex again. It wasn’t quite as nice as the previous time, but she was still ready and willing. That makes things about 1,000 times better.
A few days after that, she had to take a day off from work to take care of one of a sick child. When I came home, the house was spotless. She had cleaned the whole place. She had baked a cake, and there was one of my favorite dishes (lasagna) cooking in the oven. I was flabbergasted.
As I marveled at all she’d done that day, she said “I know you were wondering what I did with my time today: was I playing on Facebook all day, or did I take care of the house? Well, I decided to take care of things.”
I didn’t know what to say. Actually, I was thinking she played on Facebook all day. I was amazed and glad I was wrong.
That night, I decided to suggest some intimate activities, even though it had only been a few days since the last time. She said “I’m not sure.” In the past, this has always really meant “no, I just don’t want to hurt your feelings.” After a short period of mutual silence, she suddenly asked, “Didn’t we just do this not too long ago?” I just shrugged. I didn’t say anything else, assuming there was nothing more to gain from trying to sway her.
(Later, I read in the books I have been consulting that this means she really does want me to convince her; with my wife, that has never worked.)
The next day, I had an old friend come over to visit. She was pleasant and kind, and didn’t disappear to do something else on the computer.
After he left late at night, we both went to our bedroom to get ready for bed. I was debating whether to suggest intimate activities again. While I was thinking it over, the missus turned the light off and turned off the volume off the ever-present TV. I asked, “What are you doing?” and she wordlessly came over to me for sex. Again, I was really surprised, and things go so much better when she actually wants to do something. A little more than a week after declaring that she would never have sex twice in one week, she did precisely that on her own accord.
I have to say I really do not know what to make of all this. All these years of frustration, and all I had to do was exercise more and tell her to go to hell when she was rude? Is this really the solution to her frigidity?
Everything I have done in this plan to change myself has been a kind of paradox. To get her to treat me with respect, I have had to have a short temper, and sometimes behave like a borderline jerk, when she is ugly to me. To get her to want me more, I have to make myself more attractive to other women. For her to warm up to me physically, I have to act cold and aloof.
The books were right about something else. They said that if I stepped up my game in the male attractiveness segment, she would also try to up hers, as well. I’ve noticed a couple of new things. She’s now going to the fitness center at least a couple of times a week, where before she only went a couple of times a month. A few days ago, she asked if I would mind if she went to the doctor to see about getting her varicose veins removed. She has had them for years, maybe as long as I have known her, and this is the first time she has talked about getting rid of them. To be frank, I am not sure these new developments are good. If the whole point of this is for me to become at least as attractive as her, maybe more so, anything she does to make herself more attractive defeats some of the gains I have made. At least, that is how I understand how this is supposed to work.
This hasn’t been a complete success. There have been a few days which were not pleasant at all, and the last week in particular has been rough. I think this is enough material for now, and I will write about those other episodes in the next post.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Metamorphisis Part IV: The Cold-hearted Plan in Action
This is a part of a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in mid-April, 2013; actually finished May 22, 2013]
I have been on the personal transformation program now for almost a month and a half (since about early April or so). So far, it has not been as difficult as I thought it would be, but it has been work.
Getting into better shape has been the toughest part. In order to lose 1.5 pounds per week, a Web site said I needed to eat no more than 1,300 calories per day. This has been rough, to say the least. To make this work, I have had to drink nothing but water, except for breakfast. I have also had to carefully choose my foods. I discovered very early on that my body requires a lot of protein, far more than what the government recommends. I get weak and have headaches if I don’t eat enough of it. So, a big chunk of my diet consists of lean meat and cheese. I really had to cut out all the snacks, Coca-cola, and anything that comes already prepared. I have to plan meals before I eat them so that what I do eat is filling and nutritious, and won't leave me hungry two hours later.
The exercise regimen has also required adjustments. I originally just put in two days a week for exercise, but that just doesn’t do much. If I don’t exercise on a given day, I have to struggle to make my caloric targets. So, I'm trying to work out at least three or four times a month.
Even in the best of shape I have never looked like a “body builder” or “muscle man” in the mold of Arnold Schwarzenegger. No matter how much I lift weights, I am certain I will never look like that. My body shape could best be described as short, skinny, and wiry. In the best of physical shape, I would bear a resemblance to those homoerotic ancient Greek statues of lithe young men that frolicked around with water nymphs. (Right now, not so much). Like a women with small breasts trying on a push-up bra, there is only so much I can work with.
All this is paying off slowly but surely. I have lost ten pounds in five weeks, which is certainly something. My belt is a little tighter every week.
Being more aloof and assertive are usually easier, but at times I have either lapsed into my old habits or overdone things. It is very hard for me not to show some anger and anguish when she turns me down, or is self-absorbed. It has taken a little practice, but I am forcing myself to always make a decision when something comes up, and not ask her immediate opinion. If she doesn't like something, she will tell me. It seems to fly in the face of my hardwired nature to behave as a gentleman, as well as some common courtesy. It has been a tough balancing act to always appear in charge without trampling over her thoughts and desires.
Slowly, I have been learning how to subtly make sure that she knows that poor treatment (especially sexual rejections) bother me, but that I will move on with some other activity. The best response comes off as: "I am a little disappointed, but you are not really that hot."
The hard part in my behavior and attitude changes is that I feel like I am being a little “fake,” for lack of a better word. I really do care that has chosen to spend her time with a cold screen instead of me; it is hard to react in way that seems unnatural. Marriage is supposed to be a state where someone can feel comfortable with being himself, and trying to change some fundamental habits definitely gets me out of that comfort zone. All this being cool and aloof makes me feel like I am playing a role in a play. I actually feel tired after a couple of days of trying to direct my emotions in just the right way.
In the same way, I feel very vain in all this weight loss. It seems odd to be trying to look more "masculine" by watching everything I eat and spending a large amount of time at the fitness center. Frankly, I feel a little embarrassed with all this looking in the mirror and preening.
I have tried to "strut" a little bit in front of her, but it feels just weird. The books suggested it as a way to appear more confidant, but I feel like some girly metrosexual walking like a peacock in front of my wife. If anything, this stuff has made me feel less masculine. I'm not sure I will keep doing of the plan.
I haven’t succeeded too much in getting new hobbies, but I have some ideas. I have tried to narrow down my choices a little. Ultimately, learning to fly a plane may be just too expensive, and I may not be able to afford to keep doing it when I am done. I would like to work on making homemade furniture, but I don’t have the space in my house to work on it yet. Shooting guns at the range is a possibility. I have decided I want to work on cars, but I will need to make a space for it at my house.
I have not made much progress on the plan to make more money or get more status. I will really need to get a different job to do that, which will require some life changes, and the cooperation of others. This is something that will take patience and time.
The point of this is to make myself generally more attractive and masculine, even if it doesn’t necessarily work on my wife. The simple act of getting other women to notice me more is supposed to nudge my wife’s attraction. If she doesn't respond, hopefully someone else will once I am ready. Have other women noticed me more? I am not sure. After I got engaged, I stopped being aware of whether women were paying attention to me or not. To be honest, it was kind of a relief to not have to date any more. I have seen some signs of women taking interest in me, but I don’t know if they were there all along and I just didn’t notice.
I will write about the results of this in my next post.
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in mid-April, 2013; actually finished May 22, 2013]
I have been on the personal transformation program now for almost a month and a half (since about early April or so). So far, it has not been as difficult as I thought it would be, but it has been work.
Getting into better shape has been the toughest part. In order to lose 1.5 pounds per week, a Web site said I needed to eat no more than 1,300 calories per day. This has been rough, to say the least. To make this work, I have had to drink nothing but water, except for breakfast. I have also had to carefully choose my foods. I discovered very early on that my body requires a lot of protein, far more than what the government recommends. I get weak and have headaches if I don’t eat enough of it. So, a big chunk of my diet consists of lean meat and cheese. I really had to cut out all the snacks, Coca-cola, and anything that comes already prepared. I have to plan meals before I eat them so that what I do eat is filling and nutritious, and won't leave me hungry two hours later.
The exercise regimen has also required adjustments. I originally just put in two days a week for exercise, but that just doesn’t do much. If I don’t exercise on a given day, I have to struggle to make my caloric targets. So, I'm trying to work out at least three or four times a month.
Even in the best of shape I have never looked like a “body builder” or “muscle man” in the mold of Arnold Schwarzenegger. No matter how much I lift weights, I am certain I will never look like that. My body shape could best be described as short, skinny, and wiry. In the best of physical shape, I would bear a resemblance to those homoerotic ancient Greek statues of lithe young men that frolicked around with water nymphs. (Right now, not so much). Like a women with small breasts trying on a push-up bra, there is only so much I can work with.
All this is paying off slowly but surely. I have lost ten pounds in five weeks, which is certainly something. My belt is a little tighter every week.
Being more aloof and assertive are usually easier, but at times I have either lapsed into my old habits or overdone things. It is very hard for me not to show some anger and anguish when she turns me down, or is self-absorbed. It has taken a little practice, but I am forcing myself to always make a decision when something comes up, and not ask her immediate opinion. If she doesn't like something, she will tell me. It seems to fly in the face of my hardwired nature to behave as a gentleman, as well as some common courtesy. It has been a tough balancing act to always appear in charge without trampling over her thoughts and desires.
Slowly, I have been learning how to subtly make sure that she knows that poor treatment (especially sexual rejections) bother me, but that I will move on with some other activity. The best response comes off as: "I am a little disappointed, but you are not really that hot."
The hard part in my behavior and attitude changes is that I feel like I am being a little “fake,” for lack of a better word. I really do care that has chosen to spend her time with a cold screen instead of me; it is hard to react in way that seems unnatural. Marriage is supposed to be a state where someone can feel comfortable with being himself, and trying to change some fundamental habits definitely gets me out of that comfort zone. All this being cool and aloof makes me feel like I am playing a role in a play. I actually feel tired after a couple of days of trying to direct my emotions in just the right way.
In the same way, I feel very vain in all this weight loss. It seems odd to be trying to look more "masculine" by watching everything I eat and spending a large amount of time at the fitness center. Frankly, I feel a little embarrassed with all this looking in the mirror and preening.
I have tried to "strut" a little bit in front of her, but it feels just weird. The books suggested it as a way to appear more confidant, but I feel like some girly metrosexual walking like a peacock in front of my wife. If anything, this stuff has made me feel less masculine. I'm not sure I will keep doing of the plan.
I haven’t succeeded too much in getting new hobbies, but I have some ideas. I have tried to narrow down my choices a little. Ultimately, learning to fly a plane may be just too expensive, and I may not be able to afford to keep doing it when I am done. I would like to work on making homemade furniture, but I don’t have the space in my house to work on it yet. Shooting guns at the range is a possibility. I have decided I want to work on cars, but I will need to make a space for it at my house.
I have not made much progress on the plan to make more money or get more status. I will really need to get a different job to do that, which will require some life changes, and the cooperation of others. This is something that will take patience and time.
The point of this is to make myself generally more attractive and masculine, even if it doesn’t necessarily work on my wife. The simple act of getting other women to notice me more is supposed to nudge my wife’s attraction. If she doesn't respond, hopefully someone else will once I am ready. Have other women noticed me more? I am not sure. After I got engaged, I stopped being aware of whether women were paying attention to me or not. To be honest, it was kind of a relief to not have to date any more. I have seen some signs of women taking interest in me, but I don’t know if they were there all along and I just didn’t notice.
I will write about the results of this in my next post.
Monday, May 20, 2013
The Metamorphisis Part III: How does this game work?
This is a part of a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in mid-April, 2013; actually published May 21, 2013]
I have been thinking a lot of this author that said that the attractiveness rank of a married couple determines who has more power. This idea that there is a rank of attractiveness for married couples wasn't wholly new to me -- after all, who hasn't ranked some woman on a scale of 1-10, or heard someone else do that -- but the depth that the author presented it was novel. He strongly felt that ultimately a couple in which one person was solidly more attractive -- whether physically attractive, or simply more desirable -- was in the driver's seat in the relationship. He said that two people that were really far apart would eventually split up.
This certainly made sense, at least for most people, but, if true, I had to wonder just how my wife felt that I was the dead weight and she was the arm candy. On balance, I am not particularly good- or bad-looking, but I'm in better shape than most men my age. I take good care of my family and my house, and my job pays enough for me to have a decent amount of possessions. Of course, I can be really grouchy, and I work at a really boring job. My hairline is receding. Also, I can be very shy. All in all, I would guess I'm probably in the middle somewhere, at least for men my age.
But is my wife really a big bag of hotness compared to me? Not to sound mean, but it's not like she's a supermodel. She's not ugly, but like me she's probably in the middle somewhere. Her figure is what I have heard called "pear-shaped," meaning she has a large bottom and a small rack on top. (No, it's not fun). She's had varicose veins from the time she first got pregnant, and has a few stretch marks here and there. She's clearly trending into middle age, which is never kind to a woman's appearance. For any woman, beauty is a declining asset. I'm pretty nerdy, but so is she. She is often grouchy and bossy, and has no problem getting into spats with other women. As I have mentioned many times, she has an obvious addiction to social media sites, video games, and TV.
Of course, as her husband, I have always loved her for her she is, not what she looks like. I really do mean that.
She lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago, but while that improved some areas (being tubby), she's gained others. Her ass is hardly plump any more, and her already-small bust just got tinier. At least before she lost weight, she was a "B" cup; now she's down to an "A." I never say anything, but part of me thinks she actually look better with some extra meat on the bones.
Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that my lack of finding her weight loss attractive is the source of our troubles, she was frigid long before she lost weight. Clearly, that can't be the source of our problems.
All the books I read pointed to one problem: my lack of being assertive with her on many matters. This made her feel that I was weak, and therefore not masculine enough. Was that one category simply enough to make her think I'm not worthy of her charms?
I have probably thought waaaaaay too much about this.
As I work through my self-improvement plan of action, we'll see what happens.
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in mid-April, 2013; actually published May 21, 2013]
I have been thinking a lot of this author that said that the attractiveness rank of a married couple determines who has more power. This idea that there is a rank of attractiveness for married couples wasn't wholly new to me -- after all, who hasn't ranked some woman on a scale of 1-10, or heard someone else do that -- but the depth that the author presented it was novel. He strongly felt that ultimately a couple in which one person was solidly more attractive -- whether physically attractive, or simply more desirable -- was in the driver's seat in the relationship. He said that two people that were really far apart would eventually split up.
This certainly made sense, at least for most people, but, if true, I had to wonder just how my wife felt that I was the dead weight and she was the arm candy. On balance, I am not particularly good- or bad-looking, but I'm in better shape than most men my age. I take good care of my family and my house, and my job pays enough for me to have a decent amount of possessions. Of course, I can be really grouchy, and I work at a really boring job. My hairline is receding. Also, I can be very shy. All in all, I would guess I'm probably in the middle somewhere, at least for men my age.
But is my wife really a big bag of hotness compared to me? Not to sound mean, but it's not like she's a supermodel. She's not ugly, but like me she's probably in the middle somewhere. Her figure is what I have heard called "pear-shaped," meaning she has a large bottom and a small rack on top. (No, it's not fun). She's had varicose veins from the time she first got pregnant, and has a few stretch marks here and there. She's clearly trending into middle age, which is never kind to a woman's appearance. For any woman, beauty is a declining asset. I'm pretty nerdy, but so is she. She is often grouchy and bossy, and has no problem getting into spats with other women. As I have mentioned many times, she has an obvious addiction to social media sites, video games, and TV.
Of course, as her husband, I have always loved her for her she is, not what she looks like. I really do mean that.
She lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago, but while that improved some areas (being tubby), she's gained others. Her ass is hardly plump any more, and her already-small bust just got tinier. At least before she lost weight, she was a "B" cup; now she's down to an "A." I never say anything, but part of me thinks she actually look better with some extra meat on the bones.
Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that my lack of finding her weight loss attractive is the source of our troubles, she was frigid long before she lost weight. Clearly, that can't be the source of our problems.
All the books I read pointed to one problem: my lack of being assertive with her on many matters. This made her feel that I was weak, and therefore not masculine enough. Was that one category simply enough to make her think I'm not worthy of her charms?
I have probably thought waaaaaay too much about this.
As I work through my self-improvement plan of action, we'll see what happens.
Metamorphisis Part II: Some Eye-opening Wisdom From My Books
I apologize for not writing here for some time. A lot has gone on, and I wanted to be clear with what I was writing. I am going to write in a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in early March, 2013; actually published May 20, 2013]
A couple of weeks after I started trying to change my appearance and my actions, I picked up three books about fixing a sexless marriage. (Ok, I picked up four, but one of them was about how to have rough sex if you're shy. I totally misjudged that one). I had intended on having her read them with me, but they are all directed at men. For now, I will just read them myself and plan the results accordingly. Some of them were written by men, and some by women.
I was amazed with what I read. Every single one of the books said almost the exact same thing, and the idea was so illuminating. The books said that the source of my problem was that my wife did not really feel respect or attraction for me anymore. I had long thought that there was a problem of respect; I didn’t even think about the attraction part. The books all said that the main problem was that my wife did not perceive me as being masculine enough around her, even though I was a perfectly good husband by any measure. I could have written many of the examples given. The most common scenario had a husband who, like me, tries to keep his wife happy by being nice to her. At first this is fine, but eventually his wife will disagree with her husband or try to demand something unreasonable. The “nice” husband will acquiesce, if for nothing else just to shut her up. Instead of perceiving this as something nice and thoughtful, the wife perceives it as weakness. So, from there she will test him, demanding more or acting more rudely. The husband will wonder what he has done wrong, and try to smooth it over more nice behavior. Instead of respecting him for trying to keep her happy, the woman just gets angrier and more frustrated with him for not showing more fortitude. The behavior spirals ever downward as the wife continues to mistreat her husband and he tries harder and harder to give her what she wants. As time goes on, she appears to never be satisfied with him, and constantly ups her level of disrespect and demands in order to force him to act differently.
I was taken aback when I read this. I was even a little insulted by the idea. In many matters in our household, I couldn’t be more masculine. I take care of all the yard chores and fixing everything around the house. I handle all the investing, money management and budgeting. Not only does my wife not work with me on financial matters, she is completely ignorant of how much we have or spend. I give her a fixed amount of money to spend for her own use every month. (Before anyone thinks I am being demeaning, yes, she really does like it better that way). I love to camp, hike, fish, and spend time outside in tough conditions. I sit at the head of the table when we eat, and I handle almost all of the discipline of the kids. I drive the car whenever we go out. I plan all of our trips. I only cry when someone dies, I don’t overdress or act vain like a metrosexual, and I don’t whine like a sissy when I get hurt. I never even imagined that how I act could not be considered masculine.
In small matters though, I usually just defer to what I think she wants. A lot of times I really just don’t care how we do something, and in other cases I am just trying to “go with the flow” and be nice. I was raised to be a gentleman, and to try to put women on a pedestal, so to speak. It never occurred to me that this was looking like weakness and a lack of household leadership. All this time I was trying to make life easier for her, and it just made her dislike me more.
[Oh, and to and all those social theorists who have said for forty years that, to make women happy, men needed to be deferential to their wives, not be the head of the house, and otherwise act like a neutered dog: go @#&% *%&@!. You were dead wrong.]
Moreover, all the books said that getting upset about the fact that she ignores me, doesn’t touch me, and doesn’t like to sleep with me just made matters worse. If I act hurt by it, she loses more respect. If I act more “aloof” and less upset, as if I could get something better somewhere else, I will get more respect, and the next time I am more likely to be better treated. All this time, I was trying to draw attention to something that was bothering me. According to what I read, it just made matters worse. Apparently I needed to tell her to go to hell more often.
The books’ description matched her behavior perfectly. She just kept getting more demanding and less respectful over the years, and never seemed to be happy about it.
I had largely given up hope when I bought these books. I figured they were cheaper than months of counseling (though that might still be necessary), but they were just a last-ditch effort to save something that was probably doomed. I now wondered if there really was a way to resolve her frigidity.
The main solution all the books proposed was to simply start being more like a traditional man around the house, and not worry so much what she thinks about it. Instead of offering to let her choose something, I need to make the decisions and see if she squeals. Most of the books also stressed that I should get into better shape; what I look like really does have an impact. As luck would have it, these solutions dovetail very well with what I had started doing already.
The books also say that a woman’s attraction to a man is largely influenced by how many other women are attracted to him. The more other women are attracted to a man, the more a particular woman will find him attractive. I had guessed that my wife was far more attentive to me when another woman was prowling around, but I had underestimated its effect.
One book in particular took things further. (To avoid identifying the book just yet, I will modify the terms it uses). This book said that I needed to balance “harder” male activities -- being assertive, looking fit and muscular, having a lot of money or status, showing leadership or dominance -- with “softer” male activites -- spending time with the kids, keeping the house in good working order, doing nice favors, etc. To keep a woman happy, qualities of both types are needed. The “hard” qualities keep her attracted and respectful of him, and the “softer” qualities help maintain a peaceful home. From the author’s descriptions, I have the “softer” masculine qualities in spades. I got the soft qualities coming up to my ears. Unfortunately, I don’t have much at all in the “harder” masculine stuff. I don’t do feminine stuff, but apparently that is not enough. Though I would have thought myself plenty masculine, this imbalance is probably the source of trouble. This matched well with what the other books said.
This book also said that husbands and wives measured each other in terms of their appeal to the opposite sex. If their appeal was not equal, the one with the greater appeal would essentially control the sexual relationship. Although it is hard for me to think my wife believes she really outranks me in an attractiveness scale (actually, it is hard for me to measure this at all), maybe my low level of “hard” masculinity makes her think that. The author cautioned that any change to improving my own well-being might trigger her need to improve her own attractiveness to maintain the balance of power.
This book slyly offered very cynical, but realistic, goals. The book’s strategy, though similar to the others’, was to make me more attractive to other women. If I change myself to be more attractive, maybe my wife would start to appreciate me more physically. At the same time, maybe she would notice other women taking an interest, and that would trigger a response from her in terms of attraction and better behavior. If she didn’t, well, I would have an easier time finding someone else who would. I found that a very worthy goal.
All of the books offered additional suggestions of things to do to “spice things up” that are just not realistic for me right now. If I try to jump in the shower with her, she is more likely to scream than to snuggle up while getting clean.
The books warned that changing myself and my behavior would destabilize the relationship, and that my wife might not how I upset the apple cart. From her point of view, she likes things the way they are. I will have to prepare myself for some difficult times.
To be clear, I am still skeptical that she will change. There is a chance that, even if she does change, I will be too hurt from the past to care. If things work out, great. If they do not, I will be in a better position for the future.
After voraciously reading these books in a week, I have added the books’ suggestions to the changes I was making on my own. So, here is what the plan is for transforming myself:
- I will not allow her to treat me unfairly. If she is nice to me, I will be nice to her, but not otherwise.
- I will be completely assertive with her. I will not waffle or farm out any decision making to her.
- I will continue to work on new, more “manly” hobbies. Learning to fly a plane is too expensive, but working on old cars or motorcycles again are good choices. I won’t do anything that I do not really enjoy or have an interest in.
- I will act more aloof and detached.
- I will not gush or act thrilled over small nice actions on her part. I will give praise for things that are nice, but not overdo it. For example, if a meal is good, I will one time tell her thanks and that I liked it.
- When I do get emotional about a problem with her, I will show measured anger to make sure she gets the point. (I will be careful on this not to let it go too far, or get violent.)
- I will plan out fun activities for us, and just tell her what we are going to do. If she does not like them or offers suggestions, that’s fine, but they will be modifications to my plan.
- When she turns me down for sex or cuddling, I will take it as unemotionally as I can and walk off.
- I will make small, almost-imperceptible efforts to get other women to notice me in front of my wife. I might not be an A-list rich celebrity, but I have some options. Maybe that will trigger some alerts in her mind.
- I will subtly let her know just how much I hate her addiction to TV and Facebook.
- I will need to find ways to have more money, or status, or both. Truthfully, this may not be possible, but I will work on coming up with ideas.
- I will continue to lose weight and get into better shape as fast as I can.
- Once I have lost more weight, I will start dressing as well as I can. I am not going to look like some vain fag, but make sure I always look sharp, even on my days off.
We will see how this goes.
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in early March, 2013; actually published May 20, 2013]
A couple of weeks after I started trying to change my appearance and my actions, I picked up three books about fixing a sexless marriage. (Ok, I picked up four, but one of them was about how to have rough sex if you're shy. I totally misjudged that one). I had intended on having her read them with me, but they are all directed at men. For now, I will just read them myself and plan the results accordingly. Some of them were written by men, and some by women.
I was amazed with what I read. Every single one of the books said almost the exact same thing, and the idea was so illuminating. The books said that the source of my problem was that my wife did not really feel respect or attraction for me anymore. I had long thought that there was a problem of respect; I didn’t even think about the attraction part. The books all said that the main problem was that my wife did not perceive me as being masculine enough around her, even though I was a perfectly good husband by any measure. I could have written many of the examples given. The most common scenario had a husband who, like me, tries to keep his wife happy by being nice to her. At first this is fine, but eventually his wife will disagree with her husband or try to demand something unreasonable. The “nice” husband will acquiesce, if for nothing else just to shut her up. Instead of perceiving this as something nice and thoughtful, the wife perceives it as weakness. So, from there she will test him, demanding more or acting more rudely. The husband will wonder what he has done wrong, and try to smooth it over more nice behavior. Instead of respecting him for trying to keep her happy, the woman just gets angrier and more frustrated with him for not showing more fortitude. The behavior spirals ever downward as the wife continues to mistreat her husband and he tries harder and harder to give her what she wants. As time goes on, she appears to never be satisfied with him, and constantly ups her level of disrespect and demands in order to force him to act differently.
I was taken aback when I read this. I was even a little insulted by the idea. In many matters in our household, I couldn’t be more masculine. I take care of all the yard chores and fixing everything around the house. I handle all the investing, money management and budgeting. Not only does my wife not work with me on financial matters, she is completely ignorant of how much we have or spend. I give her a fixed amount of money to spend for her own use every month. (Before anyone thinks I am being demeaning, yes, she really does like it better that way). I love to camp, hike, fish, and spend time outside in tough conditions. I sit at the head of the table when we eat, and I handle almost all of the discipline of the kids. I drive the car whenever we go out. I plan all of our trips. I only cry when someone dies, I don’t overdress or act vain like a metrosexual, and I don’t whine like a sissy when I get hurt. I never even imagined that how I act could not be considered masculine.
In small matters though, I usually just defer to what I think she wants. A lot of times I really just don’t care how we do something, and in other cases I am just trying to “go with the flow” and be nice. I was raised to be a gentleman, and to try to put women on a pedestal, so to speak. It never occurred to me that this was looking like weakness and a lack of household leadership. All this time I was trying to make life easier for her, and it just made her dislike me more.
[Oh, and to and all those social theorists who have said for forty years that, to make women happy, men needed to be deferential to their wives, not be the head of the house, and otherwise act like a neutered dog: go @#&% *%&@!. You were dead wrong.]
Moreover, all the books said that getting upset about the fact that she ignores me, doesn’t touch me, and doesn’t like to sleep with me just made matters worse. If I act hurt by it, she loses more respect. If I act more “aloof” and less upset, as if I could get something better somewhere else, I will get more respect, and the next time I am more likely to be better treated. All this time, I was trying to draw attention to something that was bothering me. According to what I read, it just made matters worse. Apparently I needed to tell her to go to hell more often.
The books’ description matched her behavior perfectly. She just kept getting more demanding and less respectful over the years, and never seemed to be happy about it.
I had largely given up hope when I bought these books. I figured they were cheaper than months of counseling (though that might still be necessary), but they were just a last-ditch effort to save something that was probably doomed. I now wondered if there really was a way to resolve her frigidity.
The main solution all the books proposed was to simply start being more like a traditional man around the house, and not worry so much what she thinks about it. Instead of offering to let her choose something, I need to make the decisions and see if she squeals. Most of the books also stressed that I should get into better shape; what I look like really does have an impact. As luck would have it, these solutions dovetail very well with what I had started doing already.
The books also say that a woman’s attraction to a man is largely influenced by how many other women are attracted to him. The more other women are attracted to a man, the more a particular woman will find him attractive. I had guessed that my wife was far more attentive to me when another woman was prowling around, but I had underestimated its effect.
One book in particular took things further. (To avoid identifying the book just yet, I will modify the terms it uses). This book said that I needed to balance “harder” male activities -- being assertive, looking fit and muscular, having a lot of money or status, showing leadership or dominance -- with “softer” male activites -- spending time with the kids, keeping the house in good working order, doing nice favors, etc. To keep a woman happy, qualities of both types are needed. The “hard” qualities keep her attracted and respectful of him, and the “softer” qualities help maintain a peaceful home. From the author’s descriptions, I have the “softer” masculine qualities in spades. I got the soft qualities coming up to my ears. Unfortunately, I don’t have much at all in the “harder” masculine stuff. I don’t do feminine stuff, but apparently that is not enough. Though I would have thought myself plenty masculine, this imbalance is probably the source of trouble. This matched well with what the other books said.
This book also said that husbands and wives measured each other in terms of their appeal to the opposite sex. If their appeal was not equal, the one with the greater appeal would essentially control the sexual relationship. Although it is hard for me to think my wife believes she really outranks me in an attractiveness scale (actually, it is hard for me to measure this at all), maybe my low level of “hard” masculinity makes her think that. The author cautioned that any change to improving my own well-being might trigger her need to improve her own attractiveness to maintain the balance of power.
This book slyly offered very cynical, but realistic, goals. The book’s strategy, though similar to the others’, was to make me more attractive to other women. If I change myself to be more attractive, maybe my wife would start to appreciate me more physically. At the same time, maybe she would notice other women taking an interest, and that would trigger a response from her in terms of attraction and better behavior. If she didn’t, well, I would have an easier time finding someone else who would. I found that a very worthy goal.
All of the books offered additional suggestions of things to do to “spice things up” that are just not realistic for me right now. If I try to jump in the shower with her, she is more likely to scream than to snuggle up while getting clean.
The books warned that changing myself and my behavior would destabilize the relationship, and that my wife might not how I upset the apple cart. From her point of view, she likes things the way they are. I will have to prepare myself for some difficult times.
To be clear, I am still skeptical that she will change. There is a chance that, even if she does change, I will be too hurt from the past to care. If things work out, great. If they do not, I will be in a better position for the future.
After voraciously reading these books in a week, I have added the books’ suggestions to the changes I was making on my own. So, here is what the plan is for transforming myself:
- I will not allow her to treat me unfairly. If she is nice to me, I will be nice to her, but not otherwise.
- I will be completely assertive with her. I will not waffle or farm out any decision making to her.
- I will continue to work on new, more “manly” hobbies. Learning to fly a plane is too expensive, but working on old cars or motorcycles again are good choices. I won’t do anything that I do not really enjoy or have an interest in.
- I will act more aloof and detached.
- I will not gush or act thrilled over small nice actions on her part. I will give praise for things that are nice, but not overdo it. For example, if a meal is good, I will one time tell her thanks and that I liked it.
- When I do get emotional about a problem with her, I will show measured anger to make sure she gets the point. (I will be careful on this not to let it go too far, or get violent.)
- I will plan out fun activities for us, and just tell her what we are going to do. If she does not like them or offers suggestions, that’s fine, but they will be modifications to my plan.
- When she turns me down for sex or cuddling, I will take it as unemotionally as I can and walk off.
- I will make small, almost-imperceptible efforts to get other women to notice me in front of my wife. I might not be an A-list rich celebrity, but I have some options. Maybe that will trigger some alerts in her mind.
- I will subtly let her know just how much I hate her addiction to TV and Facebook.
- I will need to find ways to have more money, or status, or both. Truthfully, this may not be possible, but I will work on coming up with ideas.
- I will continue to lose weight and get into better shape as fast as I can.
- Once I have lost more weight, I will start dressing as well as I can. I am not going to look like some vain fag, but make sure I always look sharp, even on my days off.
We will see how this goes.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
The Metamorphisis, Part I: The Decision, and Change in the Plan
I apologize for not writing here for some time. A lot has gone on, and I wanted to be clear with what I was writing. I am going to write in a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in late March, 2013; actually published May 19, 2013]
Back in March, I reached an ugly decision. For about two years, I have been trying to get my wife to change. In small, incremental steps, her basic behavior towards me has gotten better. She is more respectful and courteous. However, the physical contact between us -- especially sex -- has not gotten appreciably better. We're sitting together more, spending more time together, and even having sex more often. However, it feels forced. She acts like she is only doing this because she has to, and getting her to have sex or cuddle with me more than what we are doing now has become impossible. We were up to having sex maybe twice a month, but one of those times is always awful. In any event it is simply not enough to be considered intimate. Even the so-called "snuggling" is like curling up with a log.
Further, there is something really wrong with a wife who is uncomfortable with her husband touching her, especially somewhere as innocent as her sides. She claims to be “ticklish,” but this isn’t like any ticklishness I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t giggle or smile when she’s touched; she just jerks away. This shows a real level of distrust of me, like I am some random stranger on the street.
The endless amount of time she spends on what I call electronic amusements -- mostly Facebook and TV -- have made a huge dent in any time we would spend together. She’s now up to level 120 or something on Candy Crush; that’s certainly something to be proud of (please insert large doses of sarcasm here). There is nothing like being rejected for a rerun of a reality show about people eating bugs.
I came to the conclusion that everything I have tried will never get her to change, and I will probably never figure out the right way. So, I decided to try more drastic measures, and prepare for life without her. If, by some miracle, things change in the next few months to where we are having a normal marriage, then I will keep her. Otherwise, I have been miserable for too long. It may be time to find someone else who will not shy away when I put my hand on her arm.
I looked up some sex therapists we can talk to, and purchased some books on fixing a sexless marriage. To be honest, I did not have a lot of hope in these, but I will make an effort. When I am ready, I will tell her either we get serious about fixing this, or that we should stop being so miserable. To be frank, I am so hurt by what she has done over the last few years that it might be hopeless from my end, as well.
In the meantime, I started preparing for other avenues. I decided to work on what I could to make myself happier while I am with her, and better suited for what follows.
The first thing is to get myself into better shape. I have always made fun of newly-single guys for doing this, as it seemed superficial and obvious. Now that I have to think of such things, I can’t really think of anything else that will make me more appealing. I can’t really make more money, at least not until I can freely get a job without my wife’s interference. I can’t do anything about my age, or my shrinking hairline.
I am not really in bad shape, but I could be better. I have never been on a real diet before, so most of this is new to me. In order to lose about 1.5 pounds (0.68 kg) per week, the Web site I use suggested I eat no more than 1,300 calories per day. That sounds awfully low, but we'll see how this goes.
I will start picking up some more “masculine” hobbies. I won’t do anything that I really don’t like just to look more manly, but rather do things that I either used to do, like fix cars, or have always wanted to do, like learn to fly a plane. I don’t really have any “feminine” hobbies, so this shouldn’t be too hard.
I will separate my emotions from my actions with her. Though it’s hard, I won’t get overly upset when she turns me away or acts ugly, but I will make it clear that I don’t like it. From now on, I will be Mr. Cool.
I am also going to start acting more assertive around her, and to be less tolerant of bad or neurotic behavior. I am tired of her nagging and wheedling at me to get what she wants, and then being unhappy about the result. From now on, she will treat me fairly. If she wouldn’t want me to act a certain way towards her, then she won’t be acting that way to me.
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in late March, 2013; actually published May 19, 2013]
Back in March, I reached an ugly decision. For about two years, I have been trying to get my wife to change. In small, incremental steps, her basic behavior towards me has gotten better. She is more respectful and courteous. However, the physical contact between us -- especially sex -- has not gotten appreciably better. We're sitting together more, spending more time together, and even having sex more often. However, it feels forced. She acts like she is only doing this because she has to, and getting her to have sex or cuddle with me more than what we are doing now has become impossible. We were up to having sex maybe twice a month, but one of those times is always awful. In any event it is simply not enough to be considered intimate. Even the so-called "snuggling" is like curling up with a log.
Further, there is something really wrong with a wife who is uncomfortable with her husband touching her, especially somewhere as innocent as her sides. She claims to be “ticklish,” but this isn’t like any ticklishness I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t giggle or smile when she’s touched; she just jerks away. This shows a real level of distrust of me, like I am some random stranger on the street.
The endless amount of time she spends on what I call electronic amusements -- mostly Facebook and TV -- have made a huge dent in any time we would spend together. She’s now up to level 120 or something on Candy Crush; that’s certainly something to be proud of (please insert large doses of sarcasm here). There is nothing like being rejected for a rerun of a reality show about people eating bugs.
I came to the conclusion that everything I have tried will never get her to change, and I will probably never figure out the right way. So, I decided to try more drastic measures, and prepare for life without her. If, by some miracle, things change in the next few months to where we are having a normal marriage, then I will keep her. Otherwise, I have been miserable for too long. It may be time to find someone else who will not shy away when I put my hand on her arm.
I looked up some sex therapists we can talk to, and purchased some books on fixing a sexless marriage. To be honest, I did not have a lot of hope in these, but I will make an effort. When I am ready, I will tell her either we get serious about fixing this, or that we should stop being so miserable. To be frank, I am so hurt by what she has done over the last few years that it might be hopeless from my end, as well.
In the meantime, I started preparing for other avenues. I decided to work on what I could to make myself happier while I am with her, and better suited for what follows.
The first thing is to get myself into better shape. I have always made fun of newly-single guys for doing this, as it seemed superficial and obvious. Now that I have to think of such things, I can’t really think of anything else that will make me more appealing. I can’t really make more money, at least not until I can freely get a job without my wife’s interference. I can’t do anything about my age, or my shrinking hairline.
I am not really in bad shape, but I could be better. I have never been on a real diet before, so most of this is new to me. In order to lose about 1.5 pounds (0.68 kg) per week, the Web site I use suggested I eat no more than 1,300 calories per day. That sounds awfully low, but we'll see how this goes.
I will start picking up some more “masculine” hobbies. I won’t do anything that I really don’t like just to look more manly, but rather do things that I either used to do, like fix cars, or have always wanted to do, like learn to fly a plane. I don’t really have any “feminine” hobbies, so this shouldn’t be too hard.
I will separate my emotions from my actions with her. Though it’s hard, I won’t get overly upset when she turns me away or acts ugly, but I will make it clear that I don’t like it. From now on, I will be Mr. Cool.
I am also going to start acting more assertive around her, and to be less tolerant of bad or neurotic behavior. I am tired of her nagging and wheedling at me to get what she wants, and then being unhappy about the result. From now on, she will treat me fairly. If she wouldn’t want me to act a certain way towards her, then she won’t be acting that way to me.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
More Madness
The wife has done a couple of things that are driving me mad. The first is that she has spent considerable time scheduling some great vacation to a wonderful location with her friends. You can be sure they will be staying in an expensive, top-of-the-line house in some wonderful location. Meanwhile, I cannot get her to schedule a small one with me and/or the kids.
The bigger issus is that, once again, she has invited someone else to stay at our house or be with us on what is supposed to be a romantic day. She has done it on Valentine's Day a few times, once or twice on my birthday, and this time is is, again, our anniversary. (See this post for an example of what happened previously on my birthday and our anniversary). She has invited her sister to come down, with her (I hate to say this) very poorly behaved children to our house during our anniversary. She has said the sister is coming to town for some other activity a couple of days earlier, but it does not matter. She has, again, scheduled something with someone else on our anniversary that will make it impossible for us to go out to dinner or have sex on our anniversary. I like her sister a lot, and, despite their generally bratty behavior, I don't dislike her kids. (The kids do not get enough attention, so they misbehave to get someone to pay attention to them).
When I brought this up to her, she acted as if she did not understand what the fuss was all about. I told her they needed to be gone by our anniversary, but she just shrugged.
I am so mad I cannot see straight. What is wrong with her? If we can't have a real anniversary celebration, I am going to leave her.
The bigger issus is that, once again, she has invited someone else to stay at our house or be with us on what is supposed to be a romantic day. She has done it on Valentine's Day a few times, once or twice on my birthday, and this time is is, again, our anniversary. (See this post for an example of what happened previously on my birthday and our anniversary). She has invited her sister to come down, with her (I hate to say this) very poorly behaved children to our house during our anniversary. She has said the sister is coming to town for some other activity a couple of days earlier, but it does not matter. She has, again, scheduled something with someone else on our anniversary that will make it impossible for us to go out to dinner or have sex on our anniversary. I like her sister a lot, and, despite their generally bratty behavior, I don't dislike her kids. (The kids do not get enough attention, so they misbehave to get someone to pay attention to them).
When I brought this up to her, she acted as if she did not understand what the fuss was all about. I told her they needed to be gone by our anniversary, but she just shrugged.
I am so mad I cannot see straight. What is wrong with her? If we can't have a real anniversary celebration, I am going to leave her.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
On the twelth day of frigidity, my cold, frigid @#*! didn't give to me...
Just for fun, let me catalog all the reasons my wife will not lay a finger on me in a given two-week period. It only takes one reason for us not to do anything, but there are always several. These are all real reasons she gave.
Day 1: We actually have sex. It's awful. She doesn't touch me at all, or even look at me because she's lying on her stomach. I don't touch anything more sensual than her back. She passes out thirty seconds after we're done.
Day 2: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex yesterday.
She has to work the next day.
There is a TV episode on from a show she likes (that's about 100 shows) that she has only seen once.
Day 3: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex two days ago.
She has to work the next day.
She wants to eat a snack, and does not wish to upset her stomach.
There are two shows she hasn't seen on the DVR, yet.
The temperature inside is too cold for her to take off her clothes.
Day 4: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex three days ago.
I went to the store, but did not buy milk. I did not realize we were low on milk, but that is irrelevent.
Someone at work irritated her. Apparently, that makes her not want sex, ever.
She has to work the next day.
There are new episodes of two of her shows on tonight.
Day 5: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex four days ago.
She has had a headache the entire day.
She does not have to work the next day, so she just wants to "relax." We still have another day.
The kids were clinging to her, and she doesn't want anyone else touching her.
Day 6: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex five days ago.
She does not have to work the next day, so she wants to spend her night off "doing what she really wants to do."
She wants to spend the evening trying to get to level 95 of Candy Crush or whatever it is on Facebook.
The kids were clinging to her, and she doesn't want anyone else touching her.
Day 7: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex six days ago.
She has to work the next day, so she needs to prepare herself mentally for it.
The room is just a little too warm.
Day 8: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex seven days ago.
Her skin feels ticklish. She doesn't want anyone to touch her.
The room is just a little too cold.
Day 9: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex eight days ago.
She stayed out late with her friends. There is no time.
Day 10: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex nine days ago.
She stayed out late with her friends the previous night, and needs to catch up on rest.
There were TV shows on the previous night, and she has to watch them on the DVR so she doesn't get behind on her viewing.
Day 11: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex ten days ago.
She's in an awful mood for who-knows-why, and...trust me, you couldn't pay me to have sex with her because her mood is so bad. Not that she would say "yes."
Day 12: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex eleven days ago.
She wants to spend the evening trying to get to level 102 of Candy Crush or whatever it is on Facebook.
I forgot to put a single dish in the dishwasher before I ran it. She says that "things like that don't make me want to be affectionate." Put it on my tombstone, @#*%$.
Day 13: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex twelve days ago.
She does not have to go to work the next day, and she needs to take advantage of the evening to "do her own thing." Alone, with the DVR and the computer.
Day 14: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex thirteen days ago. "What's the matter?" she'll ask. "We just had sex, like, yesterday, didn't we?"
Day 1: We actually have sex. It's awful. She doesn't touch me at all, or even look at me because she's lying on her stomach. I don't touch anything more sensual than her back. She passes out thirty seconds after we're done.
Day 2: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex yesterday.
She has to work the next day.
There is a TV episode on from a show she likes (that's about 100 shows) that she has only seen once.
Day 3: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex two days ago.
She has to work the next day.
She wants to eat a snack, and does not wish to upset her stomach.
There are two shows she hasn't seen on the DVR, yet.
The temperature inside is too cold for her to take off her clothes.
Day 4: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex three days ago.
I went to the store, but did not buy milk. I did not realize we were low on milk, but that is irrelevent.
Someone at work irritated her. Apparently, that makes her not want sex, ever.
She has to work the next day.
There are new episodes of two of her shows on tonight.
Day 5: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex four days ago.
She has had a headache the entire day.
She does not have to work the next day, so she just wants to "relax." We still have another day.
The kids were clinging to her, and she doesn't want anyone else touching her.
Day 6: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex five days ago.
She does not have to work the next day, so she wants to spend her night off "doing what she really wants to do."
She wants to spend the evening trying to get to level 95 of Candy Crush or whatever it is on Facebook.
The kids were clinging to her, and she doesn't want anyone else touching her.
Day 7: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex six days ago.
She has to work the next day, so she needs to prepare herself mentally for it.
The room is just a little too warm.
Day 8: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex seven days ago.
Her skin feels ticklish. She doesn't want anyone to touch her.
The room is just a little too cold.
Day 9: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex eight days ago.
She stayed out late with her friends. There is no time.
Day 10: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex nine days ago.
She stayed out late with her friends the previous night, and needs to catch up on rest.
There were TV shows on the previous night, and she has to watch them on the DVR so she doesn't get behind on her viewing.
Day 11: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex ten days ago.
She's in an awful mood for who-knows-why, and...trust me, you couldn't pay me to have sex with her because her mood is so bad. Not that she would say "yes."
Day 12: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex eleven days ago.
She wants to spend the evening trying to get to level 102 of Candy Crush or whatever it is on Facebook.
I forgot to put a single dish in the dishwasher before I ran it. She says that "things like that don't make me want to be affectionate." Put it on my tombstone, @#*%$.
Day 13: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex twelve days ago.
She does not have to go to work the next day, and she needs to take advantage of the evening to "do her own thing." Alone, with the DVR and the computer.
Day 14: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex thirteen days ago. "What's the matter?" she'll ask. "We just had sex, like, yesterday, didn't we?"
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