This is the second part of a series of posts called "Metamorphisis."
Back to part I
-------------------------------------------------------
[Post started back in early April, 2013; actually published May 20, 2013]
A couple of weeks after I started trying to change my appearance and my actions, I picked up three books about fixing a sexless marriage. (Ok, I picked up four, but one of them was about how to have rough sex if you're shy. I totally misjudged that one). I had intended on having her read them with me, but they are all directed at men. For now, I will just read them myself and plan the results accordingly. Some of them were written by men, and some by women.
I was amazed with what I read. Every single one of the books said almost the exact same thing, and the idea was so illuminating. The books said that the source of my problem was that my wife did not really feel respect or attraction for me anymore. I had long thought that there was a problem of respect; I didn’t even think about the attraction part. The books all said that the main problem was that my wife did not perceive me as being masculine enough around her, even though I was a perfectly good husband by any measure. I could have written many of the examples given. The most common scenario had a husband who, like me, tries to keep his wife happy by being nice to her. At first this is fine, but eventually his wife will disagree with her husband or try to demand something unreasonable. The “nice” husband will acquiesce, if for nothing else just to shut her up. Instead of perceiving this as something nice and thoughtful, the wife perceives it as weakness. So, from there she will test him, demanding more or acting more rudely. The husband will wonder what he has done wrong, and try to smooth it over more nice behavior. Instead of respecting him for trying to keep her happy, the woman just gets angrier and more frustrated with him for not showing more fortitude. The behavior spirals ever downward as the wife continues to mistreat her husband and he tries harder and harder to give her what she wants. As time goes on, she appears to never be satisfied with him, and constantly ups her level of disrespect and demands in order to force him to act differently.
I was taken aback when I read this. I was even a little insulted by the idea. In many matters in our household, I couldn’t be more masculine. I take care of all the yard chores and fixing everything around the house. I handle all the investing, money management and budgeting. Not only does my wife not work with me on financial matters, she is completely ignorant of how much we have or spend. I give her a fixed amount of money to spend for her own use every month. (Before anyone thinks I am being demeaning, yes, she really does like it better that way). I love to camp, hike, fish, and spend time outside in tough conditions. I sit at the head of the table when we eat, and I handle almost all of the discipline of the kids. I drive the car whenever we go out. I plan all of our trips. I only cry when someone dies, I don’t overdress or act vain like a metrosexual, and I don’t whine like a sissy when I get hurt. I never even imagined that how I act could not be considered masculine.
In small matters though, I usually just defer to what I think she wants. A lot of times I really just don’t care how we do something, and in other cases I am just trying to “go with the flow” and be nice. I was raised to be a gentleman, and to try to put women on a pedestal, so to speak. It never occurred to me that this was looking like weakness and a lack of household leadership. All this time I was trying to make life easier for her, and it just made her dislike me more.
[Oh, and to and all those social theorists who have said for forty years that, to make women happy, men needed to be deferential to their wives, not be the head of the house, and otherwise act like a neutered dog: go @#&% *%&@!. You were dead wrong.]
Moreover, all the books said that getting upset about the fact that she ignores me, doesn’t touch me, and doesn’t like to sleep with me just made matters worse. If I act hurt by it, she loses more respect. If I act more “aloof” and less upset, as if I could get something better somewhere else, I will get more respect, and the next time I am more likely to be better treated. All this time, I was trying to draw attention to something that was bothering me. According to what I read, it just made matters worse. Apparently I needed to tell her to go to hell more often.
The books’ description matched her behavior perfectly. She just kept getting more demanding and less respectful over the years, and never seemed to be happy about it.
I had largely given up hope when I bought these books. I figured they were cheaper than months of counseling (though that might still be necessary), but they were just a last-ditch effort to save something that was probably doomed. I now wondered if there really was a way to resolve her frigidity.
The main solution all the books proposed was to simply start being more like a traditional man around the house, and not worry so much what she thinks about it. Instead of offering to let her choose something, I need to make the decisions and see if she squeals. Most of the books also stressed that I should get into better shape; what I look like really does have an impact. As luck would have it, these solutions dovetail very well with what I had started doing already.
The books also say that a woman’s attraction to a man is largely influenced by how many other women are attracted to him. The more other women are attracted to a man, the more a particular woman will find him attractive. I had guessed that my wife was far more attentive to me when another woman was prowling around, but I had underestimated its effect.
One book in particular took things further. (To avoid identifying the book just yet, I will modify the terms it uses). This book said that I needed to balance “harder” male activities -- being assertive, looking fit and muscular, having a lot of money or status, showing leadership or dominance -- with “softer” male activites -- spending time with the kids, keeping the house in good working order, doing nice favors, etc. To keep a woman happy, qualities of both types are needed. The “hard” qualities keep her attracted and respectful of him, and the “softer” qualities help maintain a peaceful home. From the author’s descriptions, I have the “softer” masculine qualities in spades. I got the soft qualities coming up to my ears. Unfortunately, I don’t have much at all in the “harder” masculine stuff. I don’t do feminine stuff, but apparently that is not enough. Though I would have thought myself plenty masculine, this imbalance is probably the source of trouble. This matched well with what the other books said.
This book also said that husbands and wives measured each other in terms of their appeal to the opposite sex. If their appeal was not equal, the one with the greater appeal would essentially control the sexual relationship. Although it is hard for me to think my wife believes she really outranks me in an attractiveness scale (actually, it is hard for me to measure this at all), maybe my low level of “hard” masculinity makes her think that. The author cautioned that any change to improving my own well-being might trigger her need to improve her own attractiveness to maintain the balance of power.
This book slyly offered very cynical, but realistic, goals. The book’s strategy, though similar to the others’, was to make me more attractive to other women. If I change myself to be more attractive, maybe my wife would start to appreciate me more physically. At the same time, maybe she would notice other women taking an interest, and that would trigger a response from her in terms of attraction and better behavior. If she didn’t, well, I would have an easier time finding someone else who would. I found that a very worthy goal.
All of the books offered additional suggestions of things to do to “spice things up” that are just not realistic for me right now. If I try to jump in the shower with her, she is more likely to scream than to snuggle up while getting clean.
The books warned that changing myself and my behavior would destabilize the relationship, and that my wife might not how I upset the apple cart. From her point of view, she likes things the way they are. I will have to prepare myself for some difficult times.
To be clear, I am still skeptical that she will change. There is a chance that, even if she does change, I will be too hurt from the past to care. If things work out, great. If they do not, I will be in a better position for the future.
After voraciously reading these books in a week, I have added the books’ suggestions to the changes I was making on my own. So, here is what the plan is for transforming myself:
- I will not allow her to treat me unfairly. If she is nice to me, I will be nice to her, but not otherwise.
- I will be completely assertive with her. I will not waffle or farm out any decision making to her.
- I will continue to work on new, more “manly” hobbies. Learning to fly a plane is too expensive, but working on old cars or motorcycles again are good choices. I won’t do anything that I do not really enjoy or have an interest in.
- I will act more aloof and detached.
- I will not gush or act thrilled over small nice actions on her part. I will give praise for things that are nice, but not overdo it. For example, if a meal is good, I will one time tell her thanks and that I liked it.
- When I do get emotional about a problem with her, I will show measured anger to make sure she gets the point. (I will be careful on this not to let it go too far, or get violent.)
- I will plan out fun activities for us, and just tell her what we are going to do. If she does not like them or offers suggestions, that’s fine, but they will be modifications to my plan.
- When she turns me down for sex or cuddling, I will take it as unemotionally as I can and walk off.
- I will make small, almost-imperceptible efforts to get other women to notice me in front of my wife. I might not be an A-list rich celebrity, but I have some options. Maybe that will trigger some alerts in her mind.
- I will subtly let her know just how much I hate her addiction to TV and Facebook.
- I will need to find ways to have more money, or status, or both. Truthfully, this may not be possible, but I will work on coming up with ideas.
- I will continue to lose weight and get into better shape as fast as I can.
- Once I have lost more weight, I will start dressing as well as I can. I am not going to look like some vain fag, but make sure I always look sharp, even on my days off.
We will see how this goes.
On to part III
No comments:
Post a Comment