So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?

The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

A whole new set of behavior from her...

It has now been about six months since I started my personal transformation, based on what I had read in some self-help books.  All the books said that I needed to change my behavior outside the bedroom, and that would change what happened inside the bedroom.  If that didn't work on her, I would be in a good position to leave her and find someone else who would.  It may seem cold and manipulative, but it is much better than where we were headed, which was certainly divorce.  The transformation was both physical and mental.  I have to make myself a more masculine, assertive man around her, and I need to get myself into as good a physical shape as possible.
The more assertive and masculine me has definitely made her far more pleasant to live with.  Whatever our modern concepts of what a woman wants, being the leader in our house has been soooo much better.  There have been some setbacks, and she pushes back every so often.  Every few weeks, she will work far harder on her appearance, then suddenly stop.  Once she stops, she will try to contradict me or become dominant again over any and every decision.  I don't allow her to get away with it, and life gets better again.
My physical fitness program is coming along.  I now have actual muscles  I can flex in all kinds of places where I couldn't before.  I don't know if that's helping, but it can't hurt.
We are now having sex about three, maybe four times a month.  It is not great, but it is getting better.  She has also decided to touch me -- not anyplace "sensitive," if you know what I mean -- when we are having intercourse.  This is also a big improvement.  Were all this the case about three years ago, I would probably be more optimistic.
However, there are still some things that haven't improved.  She still does not touch me outside the bedroom on her own at all.  No kissing, no hugs, no holding hands, unless I initiate it.
She also is still addicted to all her @#$% electronic "friends."  I am biding my time until I declare a "TV-and-Internet-free week" and just shut all that stuff down.
A few days ago, we had a frank discussion about some of her really dumb activities with her friends.  I warned her that some of what they did together looked like cheating.  Some of them are simply unsafe.  I am pretty certain nothing was going on, but that wasn't the point.  She kept trying to justify these things, and I was adamant about them.  I told her that I was not going to tolerate anything that smacked of infidelity.  The discussion went on for over an hour, while we sat together in bed.
The next day, her outlook and behavior were completely different.  She actually acted like a girl who wanted to keep her man around.  She did all kinds of little things that she hadn't done in years.  She came and sat in my lap, in a public place, no less.  She grabbed me and took our picture together.  On the way home from a trip, she turned on the radio.  I expected her to force the rest of us to listen to her whiny music without asking, but instead she scanned the stations.  "What are you doing?" I asked.  "I'm trying to find that football game on the radio that you're missing."  It was a nice little favor to do, and also acknowledged that I had sacrificed  something I wanted to do to take her and the kids to something else.  She came into the bathroom when I was in there for no real reason, perhaps just to look at her naked husband.  We had sex a couple of days later, with no whining or complaining.
Her activities and attitude have been more polite and cordial, suggesting she is actually interested in how I feel.  It could be that she is just scared of me leaving her, but that isn't what it feels like.  It seems like our little chat has increased some appreciation or attraction for me.  It may have been that she actually remembered I wasn't such a bad guy after spending real time with me without a computer or TV on.  Whatever it is, it has been a lot nicer.
Will this continue?  I really don't know.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Communications Difficulties?

I have been pondering something that a lot of people have been saying about marital issues:  it's all about communication.  I hear it on TV, it's in tons of advice books, it's in people's comments on the Internet, and I have read this comment on this blog, too.  People say that you have to "communicate effectively" to have a good relationship.
I'm not going to dispute that last fact.  But that advice would seem more appropriate for an arm's-length business relationship with someone from a foreign country who doesn't speak the same langauge well.  There are cases of misunderstandings because people don't  listen well, but those are usually resolved eventually when the real meaning comes out.
But what exactly does that mean for a married couple that lives together?  There are times I don't want to share my deepest thoughts, because I think it will be unhelpful or difficult to convey.  But on our biggest problems, I don't think there is any problem communicating.  I have made it clear what I want over and over again, and she has answered me with some variation of the same answer each time.  She knows exactly what I am saying, and what I want.  I want to live our lives with togetherness, intimacy, and sexual enjoyment; she does not.  In fact, I don't know any couple who has ever had a major marital problem that boiled down to a real lack of communication.  Even if one person is afraid to talk about something with the other, the real problem is usually that the other person overracts to things.  Again, the communication isn't the problem; it's the reaction to what someone has said.
More talking about this problem isn't going to resolve it.  Either her behavior changes, or mine will.  Talk is cheap, and we can sit in this Mexican standoff forever if nothing changes.
I gotta say, a lot of people make a lot of money peddling this line.  I just don't know why it's treated like some kind of magical elixir.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Have we made progress...and should there be a deadline?

I have been reflecting lately on just when I should finally give up on my wife.  Right now, it is better for me to stay with her, and keep trying to improve the physical shape I am in and my manly attitide.  However, at some point that won't be true.  I keep a log on my calendar (properly encoded, of course, so no one will know what it means) of our sex life, just so I have some hard data whenever we get into the "but we just did it a couple of days ago" argument.  (For record, whenever she says "a couple of days ago," it's at least four).  I went looking through the log, as well as my posts on here, to see what, if anything, has changed.
I was surprised to learn that aspects of our life have gotten better since I started reading the magic books about four months ago.  Much of the selfish, rotten and rude behavior has dried up.  The missus for the last few weeks has made at least a small effort to spend time with me, and has out-of-the-blue offered to watch a TV show we both enjoy.  She has sat next to me, physically touching, most evenings, without whining.  Most of these changes were so small and gradual, I really had not noticed them.
Looking back through the log, our sex life has gotten just a tiny bit better.  We were having sex once every couple of months or so two years ago, and having sex one or twice a month six months ago, to maybe two-or-three times a month now.  Yes, proportionally that's a large increase from six months ago, but because the numbers are so small, an increase of just one extra time means an increase of 50%.  I am not sure yet whether that is a fluke or a real improvement.
Because these improvements are just so glacially slow, it makes me wonder if we will ever get to where we need to be.  I've been patient for so many years, but this car may just be out of gas when it's finally moving.  I've just been pushed too far.
There is one glaring problem that makes all of these improvements not matter:  she still will not touch me, on her own.  She will let me touch her, even a little aggressively sometimes.  However, she will not ever initiate contact, nor will she show any emotion to indicate she enjoys it.  I still feel like I am touching an unresponsive mannequin.  This is a dealbreaker for me; regardless of what else goes on, I need her to make contact with me every day.  I am sure there are plenty of other women out in the world who will do so.
What else is still a problem?
- She is still completely addicted to TV and the Internet.  She completely denies how much time she spends on it, which just makes it that more sad.  This will have to be dealt with soon, I think.  I think sometime in August is a good time to bring it up.
- She cannot stand up to her parents, and they are terrible marital role models.
- There is still too much selfishness on her part when it comes to time and money.
- Even though she offers to watch TV with me, it's still....her activity.  At no point does she offer to do something else.
- Yes, we are having sex more often, but it's still awful, and it's still not enough to where I feel loved.
I have decided to continue my current course for at least a three more months, and see where I am at then.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

A little numb....

I am sorry I have not written anything here in some while.  I was waiting to have something interesting to say, but not much has changed in the last couple of weeks.
If you have read some of my other posts, you know I was going to try and pay "special attention" to my sister-in-law while she was here.  No affairs, nothing truly out-of-bounds, but just enough to wake-up my wife to the possibility that I could go find other options.  Well, that didn't work out.  Her sister's husband is out of work, and so came along on the trip.  I didn't really want to deal with him, too.
I have no idea why she stays with him.  My sister-in-law's husband has been out of work now for over six months, and doesn't really show any signs of actually getting a job.  He is not really a bad guy, all things considered, but he has a bad habit of getting fired or laid off, and then not finding work for months on end.  He waits until his unemployment insurance runs out, and then goes to find another job.  The last time he was unemployed for eleven months and two weeks.  After no interviews for months on end, he miraculously got a job right before his year-long UI ran out.  At home, he is your stereotypical lazy-ass husband who just sits on the couch watching TV or the Internet.  He is so overweight he came down with diabetes in his late 20's.
The week they were here was stressful.  Their kids are not mean or sassy, but they are horribly undisciplined and poorly behaved.  Their parents have zero parenting skills.  After three days of being stuck with disciplining their brats, I was really ready for them to go.
The other big problem was that they were here during our anniversary.  I took the wife out to dinner without anyone else, which is as it should be.  After we got back, I tried to put the kids to bed, but my wife and her sister kept asking if they could stay up a little longer to watch some special on TV.  I acquiesed, but gave them a firm bedtime.  As that time got nearer, I wondered if I was really getting snookered out of my romantic evening.  Again, I had to deal with bad children.  After they went to bed, I mentioned "going upstairs" to the wife.  She said something about "no, no one's asleep yet" and something about watching some idiotic program for a minute.  As I seethed, my sister-in-law instantly picked up that something was wrong.  She kept asking me what the problem was, and I just shook my head.  After sitting through a half hour of stupid TV, my wife's sister, figuring out what the trouble was, excused herself and her husband.  (Her obtuse blockhead of a sister couldn't figure it out).
We went upstairs and had sex.  It was better than usual, but I'm still going to mark it as a loss.  I did not get my romantic evening; I spent the whole evening wrangling children and entertaining in-laws.  There was nothing special about the sex.  The one thing I had asked my wife for our anniversary was for some romance and time alone, and I really didn't get that.
The next morning, I blew up about my frustrations with her, and how she seemed to actively try to ruin every romantic holiday.  My sister-in-law must've overheard the conversation, as they had a quick private chat.  I have no idea what was overheard, but my wife was nothing but nice to me after that for the next couple of days.  She actually held my hand once or twice unbidden.  Sis even stuck up for me when my wife made a particularly silly acusation about something.
That was all fine and dandy, until they left.  Then the old ice queen was back.
I am just numb.  I have tried and tried to tell my wife that there is nothing acceptable about having a wife that won't touch her husband, but she just doesn't care.  I haven't said the one thing that would get her attention:  "if you do not change, I will leave you."  I'll get things in order in the next few months, and once that happens, I will let her know.  Like all large human tragedies, this one is completely avoidable.  She will protest, and cry, and act completely flabbergasted.  "I didn't know you felt so strongly about this!"  Oh, but you do; you just don't want to change.  There is only so much one man can do.  I have tried everything I can on the sweet side to resolve this.  I am all out of honey; get ready for the vinegar.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

No moving into drive out of park...

I happened to see part of an episode of Family Feud tonight.  I don't think I have seen that show since I was a little kid.  The question at hand was "What can a woman do to get her husband's sex drive out of park?"
As I sat there listening to the show, I had to admit:  I had a hard time thinking of anything.  The answers the contestants gave were pretty standard:  wear lingerie, get him a drink, dance for him, simply get naked.  Yet, these didn't come to mind.  It occurred to me that my wife never does any of these things, or anything else, on the rare occasion that she actually initiates making love.  She just turns out the lights, flops on her stomach, sticks her hind end up, and awaits a backrub.  At first, this made me kind of bitter; I couldn't think of a dad-gum thing because the missus never tries anything.
It then occurred to me:  regardless of my abilities, my wife really is a lousy lover.  When she's not really in the mood, sex is awful.  However, now that I think about it, even when she wants to have sex, it's pretty bad.  She just lies there, waiting to be entertained.  She doesn't seem to have a clue about seduction, or being tempting, or even trying to be extra attractive.
I've been wondering if I should, somehow, let her know this.  Maybe if I "coach" her a little, maybe she might enjoy sex and intimacy better.  Would it actually improve things at all between us, or would it just make her mad?  Try as I might, I can't think of a way of expressing this that would help.  "Hey Honey, just so you know, it's bad enough that you never want to have sex; when we do, it's positively awful!"

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Irritating Sex Tips

I have been reading several books lately on how to improve my sex life (and, by extension, my marriage).  For the most part, these books offer advice on how to improve a low-sex or sexless marriage (that's me!).  Each book, however, contains a section on little tips for sparking a woman's sexual interest.  Anyway, these little tips irritate me to no end.  There is no way my wife and I are ready for any of these things.  Grab her behind unexpectedly!  Whisk her away for a romantic dinner!  Sneak into the shower when she's in there!
I think the "sneaking into the shower" thing has been mentioned in three different books.  It would be great fun, if I thought it would actually happen.  My wife would freak out and get angry.  There'd be the reversion to my favorite role she plays:  the Morally Offended Victorian Schoolmarm.  The Victorian Schoolmarm is personally affronted by any mention of that evil S-E-X!
Why in the world would someone think people in a sexless marriage could really have spontaneous sexual naughtiness?  I'm guessing that the authors felt they needed a little something for people who bought the book but really don't need it, or maybe they just don't realize people in sexless marriages can't do this stuff.  These tips are great when the wife actually has some interest in sex.  When it's personally offensive to her, it's no different than if some letcherous molester tried it.  Grabbing her ass will do nothing but make her act like she got stung by a bee.  If I tried to take her dinner unexpectedly, she'd come up with some lame excuse for why she just physically can't eat food where there's romance in the air.
Further, all these little tips do is remind me of how many things I am missing out of in my marriage.  It's a lot like someone who just got dumped by her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day walking through a makeout spot.  Thanks a lot for the reminder!
I feel inspired to say that I will never, ever, post some tip or something on here that cannot be attempted by someone in a low-sex marriage.  So be it.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Too much hurt...

The last few days have been frustrating.  The missus has had a rough work schedule, which never puts her in a good mood.  I joined a sports team that plays on Monday nights, which is when I normally drive my son to a club he belongs to.  I have been driving him there for six years.  My wife attempted to chew me out over the fact that she would have to drive him there; it's five minutes away.  I don't think there was really any point to her anger except that she didn't want to do it.  I was so angry I was ready to just walk out for good.
She later backed off, which I've noticed she will do if I actually get really angry about something.  However, it just got me thinking.
If you've been reading my blog lately, you know I've been trying to improve myself to make myself more attractive (for lack of a better word) and masculine around her.  I've created a self-imposed deadline, which should be about the time I have become a lot more fit, of when her behavior needs to change for good.  As of now, I don't see that happening.
I got to thinking, though:  what if she does change?  Will I still want her?  After all she has put me through, if there is a good chance I could find someone else who is younger, more pleasant, and more like me, would I stick with someone who has hurt me for so long for so many years?
I am not saying I would cheat on her, or even actively start looking for someone else, but this decision might not be so easy if I think I can get someone new.  The guilt, though, might be too much.
My fitness plan is going well on some levels, not so well on others.  After a couple of months of a restricted diet, I am really hungry and sick of drinking tap water.  My weight loss has not progressed much, particularly since I switched to more weight lifting.  On the plus side, for once I actually have some muscles (no, I am not trying to brag).  The other day at a restaurant, I could feel my chest poking the table; it felt kind of like having small boobs.
I have always said that any woman trying to pick up someone at a gym is not going to look for a man like me.  To my surprise, over the last couple of weeks I have noticed that there have been a half-dozen women -- and one dude -- who may have given me a second glance.  Of course, they have all been ugly, overweight, badly aged, or a combination of those things, but it is a change.  (The younger ones have been really ugly).

Friday, June 14, 2013

Why I write this...

I am sure many people wonder why I write this blog.  Why do I put my most personal feelings and thoughts on the Internet, particularly about the bone-crushingly embarrassing fact that my wife will not sleep with me?
For one, simply writing this blog is a kind of emotional release.  I have no one to talk about this, and I just feel better being able to put my feeling out somewhere, even if it is in the faceless anonymity of the Internet.
Two, I hoped I could help others out there in the same boat.  The world is full of (mostly) men who are in the same predicament, and maybe knowing someone else has to struggle with the same thing may give them at least some small comfort.
Three, I think the conventional wisdom among professionals and others is, to be frank, completely wrong.  There are a lot of opinions out there about frigidity and how to resolve it.  Before I started this blog, I spent untold hours reading books, magazines, online articles and blogs, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that the overwhelming majority of opinions out there were simply dead wrong.
A few years ago, there was a movie (The King's Speech) about the struggles of the king of Great Britain during World War II (George VI) with a horrible stuttering problem.  For a man whose single purpose was to provide public speechs of hope and comfort, this was trouble.  He went to all kinds of credentialed doctors, none of whom were able to help him.  There is a wonderful scene in the movie in which a doctor tells him to put marbles in his mouth.  The doctor describes the legend of the ancient Greek orator, Demosthenes, who had a stuttering problem.  According to legend, Demosthenes learned to speak properly by putting rocks in his mouth.  After the marbles proved a ridiculous failure, the then-duke said "Has anyone actually gotten this cure to work since then?"
Eventually, the duke finds an uncredentialed, unconventional teacher who uses completely different methods to help him successfully cope with his stuttering.
I think this illustrates perfectly what I have read from so many so-called experts on frigidity.  So many of these therapists and well-educated people say that the cure for frigidity is to do more chores, be more sensitive, and give in to your wife's complaints.  In the next breath, these same people openly acknowledge that this rarely, if ever, actually works.  Frigid women themselves love this theory, as it puts all the blame on their husbands while getting them a virtual household slave (at least until the guy wises up).
Believe me, I've tried those methods.  I've tried doing more chores.  I've tried being as nice as I can, even when my wife treats me like garbage.  I've tiptoed around her like a servant who will be beaten for insolence.  I've smiled till my mouth hurts while she spews one absurd excuse after another about why I just don't qualify for sex.  The only result was that I was even more bitter afterwards.
There is a popular blog out there by a frigid woman that really gets my goat.  It even has a story in the main page about how some poor sap read that helping out with the dishes would get him more sex.  He did just that, then got disappointed when nothing happened.  The conclusion the site draws is that he should just learn to live with it.  But that's not really a solution at all!  It's just a recipe for more misery.  What a stupid, absurd, crock!
Other self-proclaimed experts (usually not therapists) say that, well, men with frigid wives are just shitty lovers, and if they could just be a little more tender, or magically grow a bigger d*ck, their wives would put out more. There is also no proof of this, nor is there any offered solution.  These folks just like to feel a perverse pleasure that some poor bloke just can't get laid.
There is another camp of well-meaning people who latch on to the idea that frigid women are all tramautized. I don't doubt that there are plenty of men and women who are in that boat.  The problem I have is that these folks assume every frigid woman, or almost every one, has been tramautized.  I can tell you without a shred of doubt this is not my wife's problem, and there are scads of others who are the same way.  It is as if these folks simply think there is no possibility that a perfectly normal woman would simply not went to have sex and intimacy while staying married.
It's as if there is an entire industry devoted to ideas and advice that everyone acknowledges just does not work.  These people are no better than the medieval doctors who gave their patients leeches.  Judging from the thousands of hits this site gets, there are thousands, maybe even millions of husbands out there trying to deal with this, and getting nothing but terrible advice from those unwilling to admit they don't really know what they're doing.
So, I have put this Web site together to try and find real answers to this problem.  Surely there is a way out there to resolve this.  It may not be pretty, or easy, but the misery out there is simply too much.
(As I have said before, I have found a few sources that say the real source of the problem is a lack of respect for the husband as a man. This seems to be the only approach that has come close to helping me and others.)