So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?

The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.

Metamorphisis Part IV: The Cold-hearted Plan in Action

This is the fourth part of a series of posts called "Metamorphisis."
Back to part III
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[Post started back in mid-April, 2013; actually finished May 22, 2013]
I have been on the personal transformation program now for almost a month and a half (since about early April or so). So far, it has not been as difficult as I thought it would be, but it has been work.
Getting into better shape has been the toughest part. In order to lose 1.5 pounds per week, a Web site said I needed to eat no more than 1,300 calories per day. This has been rough, to say the least. To make this work, I have had to drink nothing but water, except for breakfast. I have also had to carefully choose my foods. I discovered very early on that my body requires a lot of protein, far more than what the government recommends. I get weak and have headaches if I don’t eat enough of it. So, a big chunk of my diet consists of lean meat and cheese. I really had to cut out all the snacks, Coca-cola, and anything that comes already prepared. I have to plan meals before I eat them so that what I do eat is filling and nutritious, and won't leave me hungry two hours later.
The exercise regimen has also required adjustments. I originally just put in two days a week for exercise, but that just doesn’t do much. If I don’t exercise on a given day, I have to struggle to make my caloric targets. So, I'm trying to work out at least three or four times a month.
Even in the best of shape I have never looked like a “body builder” or “muscle man” in the mold of Arnold Schwarzenegger. No matter how much I lift weights, I am certain I will never look like that. My body shape could best be described asshort, skinny, and wiry. In the best of physical shape, I would bear a resemblance to those homoerotic ancient Greek statues of lithe young men that frolicked around with water nymphs. (Right now, not so much). Like a women with small breasts trying on a push-up bra, there is only so much I can work with.
All this is paying off slowly but surely. I have lost ten pounds in five weeks, which is certainly something. My belt is a little tighter every week.
Being more aloof and assertive are usually easier, but at times I have either lapsed into my old habits or overdone things. It is very hard for me not to show some anger and anguish when she turns me down, or is self-absorbed. It has taken a little practice, but I am forcing myself to always make a decision when something comes up, and not ask her immediate opinion. If she doesn't like something, she will tell me. It seems to fly in the face of my hardwired nature to behave as a gentleman, as well as some common courtesy. It has been a tough balancing act to always appear in charge without trampling over her thoughts and desires.
Slowly, I have been learning how to subtly make sure that she knows that poor treatment (especially sexual rejections) bother me, but that I will move on with some other activity. The best response comes off as: "I am a little disappointed, but you are not really that hot."
The hard part in my behavior and attitude changes is that I feel like I am being a little “fake,” for lack of a better word. I really do care that has chosen to spend her time with a cold screen instead of me; it is hard to react in way that seems unnatural. Marriage is supposed to be a state where someone can feel comfortable with being himself, and trying to change some fundamental habits definitely gets me out of that comfort zone. All this being cool and aloof makes mefeel like I am playing a role in a play. I actually feel tired after a couple of days of trying to direct my emotions in just the right way.
In the same way, I feel very vain in all this weight loss. It seems odd to be trying to look more "masculine" by watching everything I eat and spending a large amount of time at the fitness center. Frankly, I feel a little embarrassed with all this looking in the mirror and preening.
I have tried to "strut" a little bit in front of her, but it feels just weird. The books suggested it as a way to appear more confidant, but I feel like some girly metrosexual walking like a peacock in front of my wife. If anything, this stuff has made me feel less masculine. I'm not sure I will keep doing of the plan.
I haven’t succeeded too much in getting new hobbies, but I have some ideas. I have tried to narrow down my choices a little. Ultimately, learning to fly a plane may be just too expensive, and I may not be able to afford to keep doing it when I am done. I would like to work on making homemade furniture, but I don’t have the space in my house to work on it yet. Shooting guns at the range is a possibility. I have decided I want to work on cars, but I will need to make a space for it at my house.
I have not made much progress on the plan to make more money or get more status. I will really need to get a different job to do that, which will require some life changes, and the cooperation of others. This is something that will take patience and time.
The point of this is to make myself generally more attractive and masculine, even if it doesn’t necessarily work on my wife. The simple act of getting other women to notice me more is supposed to nudge my wife’s attraction. If she doesn't respond, hopefully someone else will once I am ready. Have other women noticed me more? I am not sure. After I got engaged, I stopped being aware of whether women were paying attention to me or not. To be honest, it was kind of a relief to not have to date any more. I have seen some signs of women taking interest in me, but I don’t know if they were there all along and I just didn’t notice.
I will write about the results of this in my next post.
On to part V

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