Steps back, and lots of makeup

After a good start to my “transformational plan,” the last couple of weeks have been a little rough.  Though she is behaving more respectfully, something in my wife’s attitude seems to have shifted.  Though her actions and words toward me continue to improve, her posture and outlook have ceased to be positive.  We have only had sex once since something changed, and she has not been sitting with me as closely.  She doesn’t smile so much.  If I had to describe how she has behaved, I would choose the words “brittle” and “nervous.”  She is “brittle” because she always seems to be a little irritated about something, but she won’t say what it is.  She doesn’t seem to be irritated at me, but rather at something else in general.  I would say she is acting nervous or scared as she just seems to be on edge around me.
The biggest change, though, has been in her attention to her appearance.  She is almost obsessing over it.  Every day, she spends a little more time on how she looks, and it has escalated to where fixing up her appearance is taking most of her free time in the morning.  I have never seen her wear so much make-up.  She has started scrubbing her face with multiple cleansers every day, whereas before she might have done this only once or twice a month with one of them.  She started using a cream to take away the bags under her eyes.  She has started putting her hair up.  She has always washed off her face before bed with a special cloth, but now I am simply amazed at how much makeup comes off on it.  She is not quite in “Tammy Faye Bakker” territory (for those of you who remember who that is), but we’re getting there.
Now that she is wearing so much makeup, I notice more how she looks when it is not on.  I have noticed that she is starting to show her age now more.  This is only natural, but up until now she could have easily passed for a much younger woman.
Yesterday, she was almost in tears when she told me she had put on 5 pounds in the last few weeks.  She had no idea how it had happened.  I have to agree; she is actually a very healthy eater, and almost never eats sweets or dessert.  I told her maybe it was a case of bloating or something, but she wasn’t consoled.
I have to say, I am really puzzled by all this.  The books warned me that working on myself would make her also improve her appearance, but this seems a little overboard.  I certainly hope that is what is going on; if I wasn’t expecting this, I would think she was trying to impress somebody at work.  That would certainly NOT be a good thing.
I just wish I could understand why her attitude got so cold again so quickly.  She got super-worked up over something really silly one night; she just went on and on about a plate my son had left out on the table.  After that, her attitude shifted.  I thought I was assertive enough, but maybe that wasn’t the issue.  To be nice, I was extra gentle the last time we had sex, as a kind of reward for being so nice; maybe that came off as submissive or something.  Then again, maybe it is something completely different.
At this point, it should be clear that I have lost some weight and have put on a little more muscle.  The other night we both noticed that several of my shirts were suddenly too small; she was sure they didn’t shrink in the wash.  I didn’t say anything, but I suspect my slightly-larger chest is now too big for them.
If I had to speculate, I would think she noticed my physique getting better, and tried to improve her own.  From there, I am guessing she realized how much she has aged, and is having a mini-crisis over it.  She is now desperately trying to fix it, and she’s getting depressed about it.  Maybe she is not even thinking about me.
Since the argument about the plate, she has stopped sitting next to me at night, and we’re back to the frosty grumble about needing “time for herself” and not wanting to spend her day off with me.  In other words, ignoring me for TV and the Internet.
The stupid thing about all of this is that the solution to her woes with me would be just to treat me better and show me physical affection.  I could love her enough to help her through this, if she would let me.
This whole thing has been a real downer.  A few days ago, I considered being more obvious about my better appearance, in order to maybe shake her out of this funk.  Now, I have decided subtlety and patience are a better approach.  I definitely don’t want to “rub her face” in it.  Her sister is coming to stay with us in a few weeks, and I have decided I will rock the boat a little then.
I really like her sister a lot.  Her sister’s husband has, once again, become suddenly unemployed, and I know this is making her anxious and disappointed with him.  The last time he was out of work he stayed unemployed for months and months, only getting a job two weeks before his very generous unemployment insurance finally ran out.  If there is one thing on the “man-worthiness” scale I can do, it is provide for my family, if not spectacularly, at least well-enough.  What’s more, he doesn’t exactly stand up to her well.  She constantly pushes his buttons to get a reaction, and instead of just blowing up and getting on with things, he gets himself worked up and irritated, which probably doesn’t make her respect him as much.  He isn’t a bad guy at all, and I like him a lot.  I certainly would not do anything to endanger their relationship.  However, she should be ripe for a little positive encouragement from me.
A couple of years ago, I suspect she was hinting that she wanted to take on some “extra activities” with me during another rough patch with her hubby, if you know what I mean.  I didn’t take her up on them.  I was almost tempted to try again this trip; at least I would know I could have sex on or near my anniversary (ha ha).
What I will do is to pay extra attention to my sister-in-law.  I won’t flirt with her, much less cheat on my wife with her.  I am just going to subtly, and at times not-so-subtly, show her some extra positive interaction.  A little extra smile her, a nod there, and a few extra minutes listening to an otherwise boring story will go a long way.  I’ll make more casual contact physically; nothing to be creepy or “touchy-feely,” but just a little something to get someone’s attention.  I will touch her arm a little more, and maybe put my hand on her back for a brief moment now and then.  At the same time, by the time she gets here, I should be noticeably slimmer and more fit, if all goes according to plan.  She has not seen me in some time.  In her current state, I would bet my sister-in-law will react very well to some extra time spent by me.  At the same time, I will be a little cold and detached with my wife.
My wife is prettier than her sister, but her sister is younger, has a much better figure, and has really big tits.  Also, her sister is very successful professionally, something my wife cannot say.  Occasionally, I notice there is a little uptick on the jealousy meter from my wife when talking about her sis.
Hopefully, my wife’s sister will react well to me.  My wife’s emotions will get triggered on two fronts.  One, the positive attention from another woman will make her naturally think better of me.  Two, maybe she will get a little threatened by this, and realize she has a better lot in life than she thinks.  Nothing makes my wife treat me better than having another woman pay attention to me.
I hope no one will think this is very cold, calculated, and manipulative.  I am simply trying to turn the tables on her.
In the meantime, I will keep up trying to be assertive, more cool, and keep up the physical fitness routine.  I have decided to do at least 30 minutes of good, solid exercise every day from now on.

The Metamorphisis Part VI: Not all wine and roses, yet

This is a part of a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
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In my last post, I discussed the positive changes that have come over my wife since I started purposefully modifying my behavior.  Unfortunately, it has been all positive.  This has kind of been a "two steps foward, one step backwards" kind of progress.  Now, I am going to bring up some of the backward steps.
There are a couple of areas that haunt me all the time, and make me wonder if I should even bother trying to fix things.
The first is the fear that she has committed adultery at some point, in which case I will leave her no matter what.  Yes, some people forgive their spouses after adultery (maybe even a lot of adultery), but given how little affection I have gotten over the years, I am not one of them.  If so, and I find out about it, all this will have been a waste.
The second fear is that my wife's motives ultimately are not pure.  By that, I think there are one of two ways her mind views her frigidity:
A) She really does love me deep down, but simply does not have any attraction for me.  She really would like to have sex, but either something below the surface makes it difficult, or she simply cannot resist some other activity all the time.  She has no idea how much this hurts me.  She does not realize she has an addiction to electronic toys.  She has gradually lapsed into her lazy, and disrespectful behaviors because no one has stopped her until now.
The other option is:
B) She does not really care for me at all deep down.  She loves my paycheck, the childcare and the lawn service, and she gets to watch her precious TV and Facebook every night.  She has to put out every once in a while and buy me a card three times a year so I don't completely lose hope, but ultimately it's a small price to pay to get all the material comforts.  Sex is simply a way to exert power.  From her standpoint, it's a pretty sweet life, and I'm the chump that makes it happen.  She certainly doesn't want it to change.
At this point, I think her motives on this are completely subconscious, but they have to be there.  I have operated on the assumption so far that somewhere, deep down, she really does not mean to hurt me, and has just fallen into this life accidentally.  I have assumed she was on option "A."  However, I am always fearful that I am quite mistaken, and that she is really on option "B." In that case, I am simply wasting time and effort trying to get her to change.
All that said, some of the negative times we have had recently have made me wonder what she really is thinking.  She has, a few times, attempted what appear to be last-ditch efforts to save her dominance over the sex part.  One time when I was not at home, she told my son he could do something I had forbidden earlier.  This is a big no-no.  We have a firm agreement that one parent does not overrule the other; punishments one gives cannot be taken away by the other.  During the discussion, she tried to claim that I had not asked her about his punishment before I gave it.  She tried to claim a basic veto over everything I do with them.  This was ridiculous, and I suspect the only reason she tried it was she was nursing a wound over my new assertiveness.  I just ignored it.  During sex another night, she tried to tell me I had no right to complain, and that this was a favor from her.  She had actually initiated it, so it was hard to take that seriously.  Again, I ignored it.
So, what next?  The basic plan has not changed since I read the books:  be more assertive, stay emotionally detached, and get as physically fit as possible.  Maybe she will change, maybe she won't.  Only time will tell.

The Metamorphisis Part V: Are the Winds of Change Blowing?

This is a part of a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
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[Post started back in mid-May, 2013; actually finished May 23, 2013]

When I started what I call the “personal transformation,” I really had my doubts.  The plan was to make myself more attractive to women in general.  My wife would become interested in me, whether because she herself became more attracted, she sensed other women getting attracted to me, or she was nervous about me jumping ship.  If she didn’t respond, I would be in a better position to look for someone else.
I would make myself more assertive, less emotional, and more physically fit.  Making more money and having more status won’t hurt, either, but are probably not possible in the short term.  I have had a reasonable amount of success with the getting fit part, though I have farther to go than I thought.  I have tried my best to come off as more assertive and leader-like, though that is harder.  For more details, see my last post.  I was not sure how my wife would take this.
I did not mention sex at all for the first few weeks. I didn’t want to look weak by getting rejected and taking it poorly, and moreover I wasn’t sure I could pull it off in my more “aloof” mode. I was surprised by what happened during that period.
The first week didn’t go that eventfully.  After the first week, though, my wife started sitting with me without being asked after the kids went to bed.  (For us, that is actually a large change).  She started turning the TV to shows we could both tolerate.  I would prefer to do something more active, but this is still a small, baby-step improvement.  The first few days, she sat on the other side of the room, but after that she moved closer, until she was actually sitting next to me.  (Again, this is a change.)  About the third day of the second week, she reached over, grabbed my hand, and put it on her knee.  Again, for her, this was very different than the status quo.
(If you are wondering why I haven’t been blogging much in the last few weeks, and wrote these last few posts well after the fact, this is why.  I normally write my blog entries while she is asleep or occupied with her TV shows.  I couldn’t very well do so while we were actually spending time together; not that that is a bad thing.)
After a couple of weeks of her sitting with me at night, she initiated sex one night.  Though I was wary, I decided not to turn her down.  I would actually describe it as fairly good for us; she had no problems with me touching her anywhere.  Things go so much better when she actually wants to do something.  Of course, it had been about two-and-a-half weeks since we had done anything; though that is still a short period for her, even she might have a limit.  She didn’t actually touch me on her own, but this is still mighty better than what we usually do.
After that night, she continued to sit with me at night.  I didn’t bring up sex again for another week or so.  Her behavior towards me improved just ever so slightly:  less complaining, less attempts to be bossy, more smiling.  She even came and sat in my lap for about half a minute once.
We had an ugly argument one night about the fact that she had refused to help the children get ready for bed because it interrupted her TV show.  She brought up our disagreements about sex, and declared that she would never, ever, want to have sex on a somewhat-regular basis.  We both finally just quit from exhaustion, and agreed to talk more later.
A couple of days after that, she initiated sex again.  It wasn’t quite as nice as the previous time, but she was still ready and willing.  That makes things about 1,000 times better.
A few days after that, she had to take a day off from work to take care of one of a sick child.  When I came home, the house was spotless.  She had cleaned the whole place.  She had baked a cake, and there was one of my favorite dishes (lasagna) cooking in the oven.  I was flabbergasted.
As I marveled at all she’d done that day, she said “I know you were wondering what I did with my time today:  was I playing on Facebook all day, or did I take care of the house?  Well, I decided to take care of things.”
I didn’t know what to say.  Actually, I was thinking she played on Facebook all day.  I was amazed and glad I was wrong.
That night, I decided to suggest some intimate activities, even though it had only been a few days since the last time.  She said “I’m not sure.”  In the past, this has always really meant “no, I just don’t want to hurt your feelings.”  After a short period of mutual silence, she suddenly asked, “Didn’t we just do this not too long ago?”  I just shrugged.  I didn’t say anything else, assuming there was nothing more to gain from trying to sway her.
(Later, I read in the books I have been consulting that this means she really does want me to convince her; with my wife, that has never worked.)
The next day, I had an old friend come over to visit.  She was pleasant and kind, and didn’t disappear to do something else on the computer.
After he left late at night, we both went to our bedroom to get ready for bed.  I was debating whether to suggest intimate activities again.  While I was thinking it over, the missus turned the light off and turned off the volume off the ever-present TV.  I asked, “What are you doing?” and she wordlessly came over to me for sex.  Again, I was really surprised, and things go so much better when she actually wants to do something.  A little more than a week after declaring that she would never have sex twice in one week, she did precisely that on her own accord.
I have to say I really do not know what to make of all this.  All these years of frustration, and all I had to do was exercise more and tell her to go to hell when she was rude?  Is this really the solution to her frigidity?
Everything I have done in this plan to change myself has been a kind of paradox.  To get her to treat me with respect, I have had to have a short temper, and sometimes behave like a borderline jerk, when she is ugly to me.  To get her to want me more, I have to make myself more attractive to other women.  For her to warm up to me physically, I have to act cold and aloof.
The books were right about something else.  They said that if I stepped up my game in the male attractiveness segment, she would also try to up hers, as well.  I’ve noticed a couple of new things.  She’s now going to the fitness center at least a couple of times a week, where before she only went a couple of times a month.  A few days ago, she asked if I would mind if she went to the doctor to see about getting her varicose veins removed.  She has had them for years, maybe as long as I have known her, and this is the first time she has talked about getting rid of them.  To be frank, I am not sure these new developments are good.  If the whole point of this is for me to become at least as attractive as her, maybe more so, anything she does to make herself more attractive defeats some of the gains I have made.  At least, that is how I understand how this is supposed to work.
This hasn’t been a complete success.  There have been a few days which were not pleasant at all, and the last week in particular has been rough.  I think this is enough material for now, and I will write about those other episodes in the next post.

Metamorphisis Part IV: The Cold-hearted Plan in Action

This is a part of a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
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[Post started back in mid-April, 2013; actually finished May 22, 2013]
I have been on the personal transformation program now for almost a month and a half (since about early April or so).  So far, it has not been as difficult as I thought it would be, but it has been work.
Getting into better shape has been the toughest part.  In order to lose 1.5 pounds per week, a Web site said I needed to eat no more than 1,300 calories per day.  This has been rough, to say the least.  To make this work, I have had to drink nothing but water, except for breakfast.  I have also had to carefully choose my foods.  I discovered very early on that my body requires a lot of protein, far more than what the government recommends.  I get weak and have headaches if I don’t eat enough of it.  So, a big chunk of my diet consists of lean meat and cheese.  I really had to cut out all the snacks, Coca-cola, and anything that comes already prepared.  I have to plan meals before I eat them so that what I do eat is filling and nutritious, and won't leave me hungry two hours later.
The exercise regimen has also required adjustments.  I originally just put in two days a week for exercise, but that just doesn’t do much.  If I don’t exercise on a given day, I have to struggle to make my caloric targets.  So, I'm trying to work out at least three or four times a month.
Even in the best of shape I have never looked like a “body builder” or “muscle man” in the mold of Arnold Schwarzenegger.  No matter how much I lift weights, I am certain I will never look like that.  My body shape could best be described as short, skinny, and wiry.  In the best of physical shape, I would bear a resemblance to those homoerotic ancient Greek statues of lithe young men that frolicked around with water nymphs.  (Right now, not so much).  Like a women with small breasts trying on a push-up bra, there is only so much I can work with.
All this is paying off slowly but surely.  I have lost ten pounds in five weeks, which is certainly something.  My belt is a little tighter every week.
Being more aloof and assertive are usually easier, but at times I have either lapsed into my old habits or overdone things.  It is very hard for me not to show some anger and anguish when she turns me down, or is self-absorbed.  It has taken a little practice, but I am forcing myself to always make a decision when something comes up, and not ask her immediate opinion.  If she doesn't like something, she will tell me.  It seems to fly in the face of my hardwired nature to behave as a gentleman, as well as some common courtesy.  It has been a tough balancing act to always appear in charge without trampling over her thoughts and desires.
Slowly, I have been learning how to subtly make sure that she knows that poor treatment (especially sexual rejections) bother me, but that I will move on with some other activity.  The best response comes off as:  "I am a little disappointed, but you are not really that hot."
The hard part in my behavior and attitude changes is that I feel like I am being a little “fake,” for lack of a better word.  I really do care that has chosen to spend her time with a cold screen instead of me; it is hard to react in way that seems unnatural.  Marriage is supposed to be a state where someone can feel comfortable with being himself, and trying to change some fundamental habits definitely gets me out of that comfort zone.  All this being cool and aloof makes me feel like I am playing a role in a play.  I actually feel tired after a couple of days of trying to direct my emotions in just the right way.
In the same way, I feel very vain in all this weight loss.  It seems odd to be trying to look more "masculine" by watching everything I eat and spending a large amount of time at the fitness center.  Frankly, I feel a little embarrassed with all this looking in the mirror and preening.
I have tried to "strut" a little bit in front of her, but it feels just weird.  The books suggested it as a way to appear more confidant, but I feel like some girly metrosexual walking like a peacock in front of my wife.  If anything, this stuff has made me feel less masculine.  I'm not sure I will keep doing of the plan.
I haven’t succeeded too much in getting new hobbies, but I have some ideas.  I have tried to narrow down my choices a little.  Ultimately, learning to fly a plane may be just too expensive, and I may not be able to afford to keep doing it when I am done.  I would like to work on making homemade furniture, but I don’t have the space in my house to work on it yet.  Shooting guns at the range is a possibility.  I have decided I want to work on cars, but I will need to make a space for it at my house.
I have not made much progress on the plan to make more money or get more status.  I will really need to get a different job to do that, which will require some life changes, and the cooperation of others.  This is something that will take patience and time.
The point of this is to make myself generally more attractive and masculine, even if it doesn’t necessarily work on my wife.  The simple act of getting other women to notice me more is supposed to nudge my wife’s attraction.  If she doesn't respond, hopefully someone else will once I am ready.  Have other women noticed me more?  I am not sure.  After I got engaged, I stopped being aware of whether women were paying attention to me or not.  To be honest, it was kind of a relief to not have to date any more.  I have seen some signs of women taking interest in me, but I don’t know if they were there all along and I just didn’t notice.
I will write about the results of this in my next post.

The Metamorphisis Part III: How does this game work?

This is a part of a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
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[Post started back in mid-April, 2013; actually published May 21, 2013]
I have been thinking a lot of this author that said that the attractiveness rank of a married couple determines who has more power. This idea that there is a rank of attractiveness for married couples wasn't wholly new to me -- after all, who hasn't ranked some woman on a scale of 1-10, or heard someone else do that -- but the depth that the author presented it was novel. He strongly felt that ultimately a couple in which one person was solidly more attractive -- whether physically attractive, or simply more desirable -- was in the driver's seat in the relationship. He said that two people that were really far apart would eventually split up.
This certainly made sense, at least for most people, but, if true, I had to wonder just how my wife felt that I was the dead weight and she was the arm candy. On balance, I am not particularly good- or bad-looking, but I'm in better shape than most men my age. I take good care of my family and my house, and my job pays enough for me to have a decent amount of possessions. Of course, I can be really grouchy, and I work at a really boring job. My hairline is receding. Also, I can be very shy. All in all, I would guess I'm probably in the middle somewhere, at least for men my age.
But is my wife really a big bag of hotness compared to me? Not to sound mean, but it's not like she's a supermodel.  She's not ugly, but like me she's probably in the middle somewhere. Her figure is what I have heard called "pear-shaped," meaning she has a large bottom and a small rack on top. (No, it's not fun). She's had varicose veins from the time she first got pregnant, and has a few stretch marks here and there. She's clearly trending into middle age, which is never kind to a woman's appearance.  For any woman, beauty is a declining asset.  I'm pretty nerdy, but so is she. She is often grouchy and bossy, and has no problem getting into spats with other women.  As I have mentioned many times, she has an obvious addiction to social media sites, video games, and TV.
Of course, as her husband, I have always loved her for her she is, not what she looks like.  I really do mean that.
She lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago, but while that improved some areas (being tubby), she's gained others. Her ass is hardly plump any more, and her already-small bust just got tinier. At least before she lost weight, she was a "B" cup; now she's down to an "A." I never say anything, but part of me thinks she actually look better with some extra meat on the bones.
Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that my lack of finding her weight loss attractive is the source of our troubles, she was frigid long before she lost weight. Clearly, that can't be the source of our problems.
All the books I read pointed to one problem: my lack of being assertive with her on many matters. This made her feel that I was weak, and therefore not masculine enough. Was that one category simply enough to make her think I'm not worthy of her charms?
I have probably thought waaaaaay too much about this.
As I work through my self-improvement plan of action, we'll see what happens.

Metamorphisis Part II: Some Eye-opening Wisdom From My Books

I apologize for not writing here for some time. A lot has gone on, and I wanted to be clear with what I was writing. I am going to write in a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
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[Post started back in early March, 2013; actually published May 20, 2013]
A couple of weeks after I started trying to change my appearance and my actions, I picked up three books about fixing a sexless marriage.  (Ok, I picked up four, but one of them was about how to have rough sex if you're shy.  I totally misjudged that one).  I had intended on having her read them with me, but they are all directed at men.  For now, I will just read them myself and plan the results accordingly.  Some of them were written by men, and some by women.
I was amazed with what I read.  Every single one of the books said almost the exact same thing, and the idea was so illuminating.  The books said that the source of my problem was that my wife did not really feel respect or attraction for me anymore.  I had long thought that there was a problem of respect; I didn’t even think about the attraction part.  The books all said that the main problem was that my wife did not perceive me as being masculine enough around her, even though I was a perfectly good husband by any measure.  I could have written many of the examples given.  The most common scenario had a husband who, like me, tries to keep his wife happy by being nice to her.  At first this is fine, but eventually his wife will disagree with her husband or try to demand something unreasonable.  The “nice” husband will acquiesce, if for nothing else just to shut her up.  Instead of perceiving this as something nice and thoughtful, the wife perceives it as weakness.  So, from there she will test him, demanding more or acting more rudely.  The husband will wonder what he has done wrong, and try to smooth it over more nice behavior.  Instead of respecting him for trying to keep her happy, the woman just gets angrier and more frustrated with him for not showing more fortitude.  The behavior spirals ever downward as the wife continues to mistreat her husband and he tries harder and harder to give her what she wants.  As time goes on, she appears to never be satisfied with him, and constantly ups her level of disrespect and demands in order to force him to act differently.
I was taken aback when I read this.  I was even a little insulted by the idea.  In many matters in our household, I couldn’t be more masculine.  I take care of all the yard chores and fixing everything around the house.  I handle all the investing, money management and budgeting.  Not only does my wife not work with me on financial matters, she is completely ignorant of how much we have or spend.  I give her a fixed amount of money to spend for her own use every month. (Before anyone thinks I am being demeaning, yes, she really does like it better that way).    I love to camp, hike, fish, and spend time outside in tough conditions.  I sit at the head of the table when we eat, and I handle almost all of the discipline of the kids.  I drive the car whenever we go out.  I plan all of our trips.  I only cry when someone dies, I don’t overdress or act vain like a metrosexual, and I don’t whine like a sissy when I get hurt.  I never even imagined that how I act could not be considered masculine.
In small matters though, I usually just defer to what I think she wants.  A lot of times I really just don’t care how we do something, and in other cases I am just trying to “go with the flow” and be nice.  I was raised to be a gentleman, and to try to put women on a pedestal, so to speak.  It never occurred to me that this was looking like weakness and a lack of household leadership.   All this time I was trying to make life easier for her, and it just made her dislike me more.
[Oh, and to and all those social theorists who have said for forty years that, to make women happy, men needed to be deferential to their wives, not be the head of the house, and otherwise act like a neutered dog:  go @#&% *%&@!.  You were dead wrong.]
Moreover, all the books said that getting upset about the fact that she ignores me, doesn’t touch me, and doesn’t like to sleep with me just made matters worse.  If I act hurt by it, she loses more respect.  If I act more “aloof” and less upset, as if I could get something better somewhere else, I will get more respect, and the next time I am more likely to be better treated.   All this time, I was trying to draw attention to something that was bothering me.  According to what I read, it just made matters worse.  Apparently I needed to tell her to go to hell more often.
The books’ description matched her behavior perfectly.  She just kept getting more demanding and less respectful over the years, and never seemed to be happy about it.
I had largely given up hope when I bought these books.  I figured they were cheaper than months of counseling (though that might still be necessary), but they were just a last-ditch effort to save something that was probably doomed.  I now wondered if there really was a way to resolve her frigidity.
The main solution all the books proposed was to simply start being more like a traditional man around the house, and not worry so much what she thinks about it.   Instead of offering to let her choose something, I need to make the decisions and see if she squeals.  Most of the books also stressed that I should get into better shape; what I look like really does have an impact.  As luck would have it, these solutions dovetail very well with what I had started doing already.
The books also say that a woman’s attraction to a man is largely influenced by how many other women are attracted to him.  The more other women are attracted to a man, the more a particular woman will find him attractive.  I had guessed that my wife was far more attentive to me when another woman was prowling around, but I had underestimated its effect.
One book in particular took things further.  (To avoid identifying the book just yet, I will modify the terms it uses).  This book said that I needed to balance “harder” male activities -- being assertive, looking fit and muscular, having a lot of money or status, showing leadership or dominance -- with “softer” male activites -- spending time with the kids, keeping the house in good working order, doing nice favors, etc.  To keep a woman happy, qualities of both types are needed.  The “hard” qualities keep her attracted and respectful of him, and the “softer” qualities help maintain a peaceful home.  From the author’s descriptions, I have the “softer” masculine qualities in spades.  I got the soft qualities coming up to my ears.  Unfortunately, I don’t have much at all in the “harder” masculine stuff.  I don’t do feminine stuff, but apparently that is not enough.  Though I would have thought myself plenty masculine, this imbalance is probably the source of trouble.  This matched well with what the other books said.
This book also said that husbands and wives measured each other in terms of their appeal to the opposite sex.  If their appeal was not equal, the one with the greater appeal would essentially control the sexual relationship.  Although it is hard for me to think my wife believes she really outranks me in an attractiveness scale (actually, it is hard for me to measure this at all), maybe my low level of “hard” masculinity makes her think that.  The author cautioned that any change to improving my own well-being might trigger her need to improve her own attractiveness to maintain the balance of power.
This book slyly offered very cynical, but realistic, goals.  The book’s strategy, though similar to the others’, was to make me more attractive to other women.  If I change myself to be more attractive, maybe my wife would start to appreciate me more physically.  At the same time, maybe she would notice other women taking an interest, and that would trigger a response from her in terms of attraction and better behavior.  If she didn’t, well, I would have an easier time finding someone else who would.  I found that a very worthy goal.
All of the books offered additional suggestions of things to do to “spice things up” that are just not realistic for me right now.  If I try to jump in the shower with her, she is more likely to scream than to snuggle up while getting clean.
The books warned that changing myself and my behavior would destabilize the relationship, and that my wife might not how I upset the apple cart.  From her point of view, she likes things the way they are.  I will have to prepare myself for some difficult times.
To be clear, I am still skeptical that she will change.  There is a chance that, even if she does change, I will be too hurt from the past to care.  If things work out, great.  If they do not, I will be in a better position for the future.
After voraciously reading these books in a week, I have added the books’ suggestions to the changes I was making on my own.  So, here is what the plan is for transforming myself:
- I will not allow her to treat me unfairly.  If she is nice to me, I will be nice to her, but not otherwise.
- I will be completely assertive with her.  I will not waffle or farm out any decision making to her.
- I will continue to work on new, more “manly” hobbies.  Learning to fly a plane is too expensive, but working on old cars or motorcycles again are good choices.  I won’t do anything that I do not really enjoy or have an interest in.
- I will act more aloof and detached.
- I will not gush or act thrilled over small nice actions on her part.  I will give praise for things that are nice, but not overdo it.  For example, if a meal is good, I will one time tell her thanks and that I liked it.
- When I do get emotional about a problem with her, I will show measured anger to make sure she gets the point.  (I will be careful on this not to let it go too far, or get violent.)
- I will plan out fun activities for us, and just tell her what we are going to do.  If she does not like them or offers suggestions, that’s fine, but they will be modifications to my plan.
- When she turns me down for sex or cuddling, I will take it as unemotionally as I can and walk off.
- I will make small, almost-imperceptible efforts to get other women to notice me in front of my wife.  I might not be an A-list rich celebrity, but I have some options.  Maybe that will trigger some alerts in her mind.
- I will subtly let her know just how much I hate her addiction to TV and Facebook.
- I will need to find ways to have more money, or status, or both.  Truthfully, this may not be possible, but I will work on coming up with ideas.
- I will continue to lose weight and get into better shape as fast as I can.
- Once I have lost more weight, I will start dressing as well as I can.  I am not going to look like some vain fag, but make sure I always look sharp, even on my days off.
We will see how this goes.

The Metamorphisis, Part I: The Decision, and Change in the Plan

I apologize for not writing here for some time.  A lot has gone on, and I wanted to be clear with what I was writing.  I am going to write in a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order.  They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time.  I will try to release them about once every day or so.
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[Post started back in late March, 2013; actually published May 19, 2013]
Back in March, I reached an ugly decision.  For about two years, I have been trying to get my wife to change.  In small, incremental steps, her basic behavior towards me has gotten better.  She is more respectful and courteous.  However, the physical contact between us -- especially sex -- has not gotten appreciably better.  We're sitting together more, spending more time together, and even having sex more often.  However, it feels forced.  She acts like she is only doing this because she has to, and getting her to have sex or cuddle with me more than what we are doing now has become impossible.  We were up to having sex maybe twice a month, but one of those times is always awful.  In any event it is simply not enough to be considered intimate.  Even the so-called "snuggling" is like curling up with a log.
Further, there is something really wrong with a wife who is uncomfortable with her husband touching her, especially somewhere as innocent as her sides.  She claims to be “ticklish,” but this isn’t like any ticklishness I’ve ever seen.  She doesn’t giggle or smile when she’s touched; she just jerks away.  This shows a real level of distrust of me, like I am some random stranger on the street.
The endless amount of time she spends on what I call electronic amusements -- mostly Facebook and TV -- have made a huge dent in any time we would spend together.  She’s now up to level 120 or something on Candy Crush; that’s certainly something to be proud of (please insert large doses of sarcasm here).  There is nothing like being rejected for a rerun of a reality show about people eating bugs.
I came to the conclusion that everything I have tried will never get her to change, and I will probably never figure out the right way.  So, I decided to try more drastic measures, and prepare for life without her.  If, by some miracle, things change in the next few months to where we are having a normal marriage, then I will keep her.  Otherwise, I have been miserable for too long.  It may be time to find someone else who will not shy away when I put my hand on her arm.
I looked up some sex therapists we can talk to, and purchased some books on fixing a sexless marriage.  To be honest, I did not have a lot of hope in these, but I will make an effort.  When I am ready, I will tell her either we get serious about fixing this, or that we should stop being so miserable.  To be frank, I am so hurt by what she has done over the last few years that it might be hopeless from my end, as well.
In the meantime, I started preparing for other avenues.  I decided to work on what I could to make myself happier while I am with her, and better suited for what follows.
The first thing is to get myself into better shape.  I have always made fun of newly-single guys for doing this, as it seemed superficial and obvious.  Now that I have to think of such things, I can’t really think of anything else that will make me more appealing.  I can’t really make more money, at least not until I can freely get a job without my wife’s interference.  I can’t do anything about my age, or my shrinking hairline.
I am not really in bad shape, but I could be better.  I have never been on a real diet before, so most of this is new to me.  In order to lose about 1.5 pounds (0.68 kg) per week, the Web site I use suggested I eat no more than 1,300 calories per day.  That sounds awfully low, but we'll see how this goes.
I will start picking up some more “masculine” hobbies.  I won’t do anything that I really don’t like just to look more manly, but rather do things that I either used to do, like fix cars, or have always wanted to do, like learn to fly a plane.  I don’t really have any “feminine” hobbies, so this shouldn’t be too hard.
I will separate my emotions from my actions with her.  Though it’s hard, I won’t get overly upset when she turns me away or acts ugly, but I will make it clear that I don’t like it.  From now on, I will be Mr. Cool.
I am also going to start acting more assertive around her, and to be less tolerant of bad or neurotic behavior.  I am tired of her nagging and wheedling at me to get what she wants, and then being unhappy about the result.  From now on, she will treat me fairly.  If she wouldn’t want me to act a certain way towards her, then she won’t be acting that way to me.