I apologize for not writing here for some time. A lot has gone on, and I wanted to be clear with what I was writing. I am going to write in a series of related posts titled "Metamorphisis;" it will be best to read them in order. They were all started some time ago; for reasons that will eventually become clear, I was not in a position to finish them at the time. I will try to release them about once every day or so.
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[Post started back in early March, 2013; actually published May 20, 2013]
A couple of weeks after I started trying to change my
appearance and my actions, I picked up three books about fixing a sexless
marriage. (Ok, I picked up four, but one of them was about how to have rough sex if you're shy. I totally misjudged that one). I had intended on having her
read them with me, but they are all directed at men. For now, I will just read them myself and plan
the results accordingly. Some of them
were written by men, and some by women.
I was amazed with what I read. Every single one of the books said almost the
exact same thing, and the idea was so illuminating. The books said that the source of my problem
was that my wife did not really feel respect or attraction for me anymore. I had long thought that there was a problem
of respect; I didn’t even think about the attraction part. The books all said that the main problem was
that my wife did not perceive me as being masculine enough around her, even
though I was a perfectly good husband by any measure. I could have written many of the examples
given. The most common scenario had a
husband who, like me, tries to keep his wife happy by being nice to her. At first this is fine, but eventually his
wife will disagree with her husband or try to demand something
unreasonable. The “nice” husband will
acquiesce, if for nothing else just to shut her up. Instead of perceiving this as something nice
and thoughtful, the wife perceives it as weakness. So, from there she will test him, demanding
more or acting more rudely. The husband
will wonder what he has done wrong, and try to smooth it over more nice
behavior. Instead of respecting him for trying
to keep her happy, the woman just gets angrier and more frustrated with him for
not showing more fortitude. The behavior
spirals ever downward as the wife continues to mistreat her husband and he
tries harder and harder to give her what she wants. As time goes on, she appears to never be
satisfied with him, and constantly ups her level of disrespect and demands in
order to force him to act differently.
I was taken aback when I read this. I was even a little insulted by the
idea. In many matters in our household,
I couldn’t be more masculine. I take
care of all the yard chores and fixing everything around the house. I handle all the investing, money management
and budgeting. Not only does my wife not
work with me on financial matters, she is completely ignorant of how much we
have or spend. I give her a fixed amount
of money to spend for her own use every month. (Before anyone thinks I am being
demeaning, yes, she really does like it better that way). I love to camp, hike, fish, and spend time
outside in tough conditions. I sit at
the head of the table when we eat, and I handle almost all of the discipline of
the kids. I drive the car whenever we go
out. I plan all of our trips. I only cry when someone dies, I don’t
overdress or act vain like a metrosexual, and I don’t whine like a sissy when I
get hurt. I never even imagined that how
I act could not be considered masculine.
In small matters though, I usually just defer to what I
think she wants. A lot of times I really
just don’t care how we do something, and in other cases I am just trying to “go
with the flow” and be nice. I was raised
to be a gentleman, and to try to put women on a pedestal, so to speak. It never occurred to me that this was looking
like weakness and a lack of household leadership. All this time I was trying to make life
easier for her, and it just made her dislike me more.
[Oh, and to and all those social theorists
who have said for forty years that, to make women happy, men needed to be
deferential to their wives, not be the head of the house, and otherwise act
like a neutered dog: go @#&%
*%&@!. You were dead wrong.]
Moreover, all the books said that getting upset about the
fact that she ignores me, doesn’t touch me, and doesn’t like to sleep with me
just made matters worse. If I act hurt
by it, she loses more respect. If I act
more “aloof” and less upset, as if I could get something better somewhere else,
I will get more respect, and the next time I am more likely to be better
treated. All this time, I was trying to
draw attention to something that was bothering me. According to what I read, it just made
matters worse. Apparently I needed to
tell her to go to hell more often.
The books’ description matched her behavior perfectly. She just kept getting more demanding and less
respectful over the years, and never seemed to be happy about it.
I had largely given up hope when I bought these books. I figured they were cheaper than months of
counseling (though that might still be necessary), but they were just a
last-ditch effort to save something that was probably doomed. I now wondered if there really was a way to
resolve her frigidity.
The main solution all the books proposed was to simply start
being more like a traditional man around the house, and not worry so much what
she thinks about it. Instead of
offering to let her choose something, I need to make the decisions and see if
she squeals. Most of the books also
stressed that I should get into better shape; what I look like really does have
an impact. As luck would have it, these
solutions dovetail very well with what I had started doing already.
The books also say that a woman’s attraction to a man is
largely influenced by how many other women are attracted to him. The more other women are attracted to a man,
the more a particular woman will find him attractive. I had guessed that my wife was far more
attentive to me when another woman was prowling around, but I had
underestimated its effect.
One book in particular took things further. (To avoid identifying the book just yet, I
will modify the terms it uses). This
book said that I needed to balance “harder” male activities -- being assertive,
looking fit and muscular, having a lot of money or status, showing leadership
or dominance -- with “softer” male activites -- spending time with the kids,
keeping the house in good working order, doing nice favors, etc. To keep a woman happy, qualities of both
types are needed. The “hard” qualities
keep her attracted and respectful of him, and the “softer” qualities help
maintain a peaceful home. From the
author’s descriptions, I have the “softer” masculine qualities in spades. I got the soft qualities coming up to my
ears. Unfortunately, I don’t have much
at all in the “harder” masculine stuff. I
don’t do feminine stuff, but apparently that is not enough. Though I would have thought myself plenty
masculine, this imbalance is probably the source of trouble. This matched well with what the other books
said.
This book also said that husbands and wives measured each
other in terms of their appeal to the opposite sex. If their appeal was not equal, the one with
the greater appeal would essentially control the sexual relationship. Although it is hard for me to think my wife
believes she really outranks me in an attractiveness scale (actually, it is
hard for me to measure this at all), maybe my low level of “hard” masculinity
makes her think that. The author
cautioned that any change to improving my own well-being might trigger her need
to improve her own attractiveness to maintain the balance of power.
This book slyly offered very cynical, but realistic,
goals. The book’s strategy, though
similar to the others’, was to make me more attractive to other women. If I change myself to be more attractive,
maybe my wife would start to appreciate me more physically. At the same time, maybe she would notice
other women taking an interest, and that would trigger a response from her in
terms of attraction and better behavior.
If she didn’t, well, I would have an easier time finding someone else
who would. I found that a very worthy
goal.
All of the books offered additional suggestions of things to
do to “spice things up” that are just not realistic for me right now. If I try to jump in the shower with her, she
is more likely to scream than to snuggle up while getting clean.
The books warned that changing myself and my behavior would
destabilize the relationship, and that my wife might not how I upset the apple
cart. From her point of view, she likes
things the way they are. I will have to
prepare myself for some difficult times.
To be clear, I am still skeptical that she will change. There is a chance that, even if she does
change, I will be too hurt from the past to care. If things work out,
great. If they do not, I will be in a
better position for the future.
After voraciously reading these books in a week, I have
added the books’ suggestions to the changes I was making on my own. So, here is what the plan is for transforming
myself:
- I will not allow her to treat me unfairly. If she is nice to me, I will be nice to her,
but not otherwise.
- I will be completely assertive with her. I will not waffle or farm out any decision
making to her.
- I will continue to work on new, more “manly” hobbies. Learning to fly a plane is too expensive, but
working on old cars or motorcycles again are good choices. I won’t do anything that I do not really
enjoy or have an interest in.
- I will act more aloof and detached.
- I will not gush or act thrilled over small nice actions on
her part. I will give praise for things
that are nice, but not overdo it. For
example, if a meal is good, I will one time tell her thanks and that I liked
it.
- When I do get emotional about a problem with her, I will
show measured anger to make sure she gets the point. (I will be careful on this not to let it go
too far, or get violent.)
- I will plan out fun activities for us, and just tell her
what we are going to do. If she does not
like them or offers suggestions, that’s fine, but they will be modifications to
my plan.
- When she turns me down for sex or cuddling, I will take it
as unemotionally as I can and walk off.
- I will make small, almost-imperceptible efforts to get
other women to notice me in front of my wife.
I might not be an A-list rich celebrity, but I have some options. Maybe that will trigger some alerts in her
mind.
- I will subtly let her know just how much I hate her
addiction to TV and Facebook.
- I will need to find ways to have more money, or status, or
both. Truthfully, this may not be
possible, but I will work on coming up with ideas.
- I will continue to lose weight and get into better shape
as fast as I can.
- Once I have lost more weight, I will start dressing as
well as I can. I am not going to look
like some vain fag, but make sure I always look sharp, even on my days off.
We will see how this goes.
So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?
The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.
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