- ask if I want to join her
- offer to share the blanket
- if I am in the room, ask what I want to watch
- if I am in the room, actually acknowledge my presence in any way
Her response when I tell her that we need to spend time together is usually something to the effect of "I don't have any problem with you sitting there." Of course, that is a pretty ridiculous response; this is my house, too, so I'm glad you don't mind that I sit where I please in it. More importantly, sitting in the same room together while the TV blares isn't really a joint activity. This is especially true if one person has no say in what is on, and the other person doesn't talk to him.
To be frank, watching stupid TV and playing on Facebook are all she really does at home if she isn't cooking, eating, or sleeping. After she gets up and gets dressed, she opens the computer and...spends the next thirty minutes on Facebook. If she has a day off, she catches up on the twenty hours or so of stuff she records in one week on the DVR (yes, that is actually accurate). Even if she is doing something else, like the laundry, one or both of these activities is also in progress. These activites are not bad in and of themselves, but they have killed our family life. The addiction to these things is so bad I have come to hate Facebook more than anything else on the planet. People ask me why I don't get on it. My wife is on there enough for both of us.
Lest you, gentle reader, think that these addictions are the only source of the problem, my wife will occasionally do something outside the house...but not with me or the kids. She will tell me at night that she "is exhausted," and "just wants to relax," and then the next day get up at 5:00 on her day off to go running with the neighbor. She will refuse to talk to me after 9:30, but will stay out with her friends at some restaurant (or maybe a bar) until 11:30 or midnight on a night she has to get up at 5:30 for work. No, her schedule is quite full, full of things that she actually wants to do.
My husband could’ve written your blog. He asked me for a divorce the day before Thanksgiving. I was devastated. I am devastated. Despite the lack of sex in our marriage, I loved him deeply (still do).
ReplyDeleteOur problems were multifaceted. In my late 30's, I had a hysterectomy (which can kill a woman's sex drive). Then I developed a severe form of a degenerative auto-immune disease that has affected every area of my life, especially causing painful joints. Even before my disease, sex was often painful -- resulting in urinary or yeast infections, and sometimes bleeding. Add on top of it all, my husband gamed non-stop (except for sex) from the time he woke up to the time he went to bed (usually after midnight). He would complain about our sex life, and I would tell him he needed to make time to come FOR ME and to get to bed at a reasonable hour. He never did. I have documentation that he logged over 3000 hours on games in a 5 yr span, and this doesn't count hours he wasn't logged into his chat client. I am confident that my husband has logged at least 5000 hours (MINIMUM) gaming since 2005. This guy works FULL time...this means that almost every, waking hour outside work, he was gaming. I felt physically and emotionally abandoned, and talked to him about it many times.
Fast forward to what's happening now. We had a terrible 2-yr period, 4 relatives died and I was unable to walk for two months. Stress has been through the roof. I knew both of us needed help to survive our marriage, but without warning, he asked for a divorce. He said he no longer loved me as his wife. I wanted to get counseling. He didn't. Turns out he met someone over the internet. We've been more intimate physically and emotionally in the last month than in the last 5 years.
It's like a wall was broken down. He told me things he should’ve said yrs ago, and I've expressed my feelings. Ultimately, the problem wasn't about a lack of love, but a complete breakdown in communication. I feel emotionally closer to him, but the marriage is irretrievably broken. It's sad. Had he really expressed what sex meant to him and our marriage (it was different for me), I would have tried A LOT harder. The truth is that some women's bodies don't "crave" sex like men. It could be hormonal or emotional, but likely has nothing to do with love.
I hope you and your wife can work it out. I STRONGLY encourage you to sit her down, and let her know that you have some serious problems to discuss. Let her know how much you love her and how much you want your marriage to work, but you're not getting what you need, and unless things change that you're not sure how much longer the marriage can hang on. BE BRUTALLY HONEST WITH HER!!! Let her know that you NEED her physically, and that you feel hurt and unloved by her constant rejections. Let her know that you feel alone and find yourself obsessing about sex when you're around other women, but that you don't WANT other women. You want HER. You NEED her. You need to feel and touch her, and to be touched back. Let her know that you love her more than anything, and you want to work on things, if she is willing. Offer counseling.
Be patient. Give her time to digest what you’re saying to her, and make sure you reassure her about how much you love her and how committed you are to trying to make the marriage work, but let her know that you can't go on forever without more intimacy in your life.
Be prepared to listen to her, too. There might be good reasons she has for not being more physical with you. I hope you can save your marriage. I wish my husband talked to me a long time ago. I would have gone to a doctor or counseling or SOMETHING to save our marriage. I'm so sorry you are hurting and missing your wife. She probably has no idea the pain you feel.
Having the same problem with the wife.
ReplyDeleteIt's great becoming a parent but it's a great pain not having a wife.
Contemplating separation but thinking of the kids.
Pray things get better for you man.
Be nice to your wife, but talk, talk, talk and TALK until you are blue in the face. Let her know what the physical aspect of your relationship means TO YOU. I'm telling you guys, some women could go on for an eternity and not NEED sex. Don't be mad at us for it. It would be like us being mad at you for your own desires. Our bodies and minds just work differently. Just work at being your wife's partner in other areas of your lives and being present in her life daily in a non-sexual way, and let her know that for you, you don't feel close to her without the sex. There are all kinds of articles about the importance of sex in a marriage. I suggest you find a few and send her the links to read at her leisure. Don't give up on your wife or your marriage. It's probably a fixable thing, but somehow you've got to help her understand that for you, it's not an optional kind of thing.
Deletedear wifey,
Deletethanks for your advice.
we've talked on so many occasions. most of the time we end up crying and vow to change. i'd change for her and she for me. it the end it's only me that have changed for the better, for her, for everyone.. she's still the old her.
If i ask for sex, she would say ok, let's do it. then when the actual sex, i can see in her face that she hates it, pains her and she can't wait for it to end. How do you go on and to have sex looking at a face like that.
And she's not the romantic kinda type. She hates kisses, cuddles and stuff. showering together - dream on.
if not for the kids, i would have let her ages ago. it's the thought of the kids growing up in a broken marriage that makes me tolerate all this.
thanks for the advice.
Miss Wifey,
DeleteI am really sorry about your husband. That just breaks my heart.
In our case, she is the one who is playing the video games for hours on end. I have tried talking with her, but I don't think she understands just how much this hurts me. Your comment that you would have done things differently if you had known what a big deal it was, struck a chord.
I have decided I will insist on counseling before I do anything. I have my reasons for not wanting to do it, and to be frank, I am not certain if my wife will agree to go. But, perhaps as you say, she just doesn't get how bad things are. If you give in or allow a ridiculous or obnoxious behavior a few times, it eventually starts to seem normal. I think that may be what we have here now.
All that said, I am having much of the same experience as Mr. Unknown. Have you ever had sex with someone who doesn't want to do it? Yes, it's awful. It might be worse than being shot down over and over. My wife also hates romance and cuddling, which I would be more than willing to do.
See, I *LOVED* cuddling and romance! I just had trouble with the actual physical part. I think had my husband been more patient and persistent to get me "worked up," it might have worked differently for us. But he'd just say, "Let's have sex." And I kept telling him, "I'm not a microwave!" Unfortunately, women have to feel a certain way emotionally/mentally before we're ready (usually). I always tell guys to look good, smell good (just like you want us to do). Go out like that with the boys a few times, and she will start to wonder WTF? lol My husband just didn't spend quality time with me, and I think both of us suffered because of it. But, I loved him to the core and would have done *almost* anything to save our marriage. In fact, in the end, I tried. I actually seduced him a couple of times, but he already had someone else he was interested in. It's been a little over a month now since he asked for the divorce and we are like strangers together. So, so sad. Do what you can to save your marriage. Yes, insist on counseling. In fact, I also encourage you to look up articles about the importance of intimacy in marriage and SEND THE LINKS TO HER! There is a major disconnect between men and women and our understanding of the others' needs. If I can help another couple AVOID the pain and heartache I've experienced, it will maybe ease my pain. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteOne more thing, Mr Hot Armadillo:
ReplyDeleteAs I re-read this post, you say that when your wife is in a room she doesn't acknowledge you or offer you to join or share or whatever...
Look...YOU ARE HER HUSBAND!!! WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO INVITE YOU OR OFFER OR WHATEVER??? You just crawl into the bed, take some of the cover, ask her what she's watching and join her!!! If you are too passive, it'll get you nowhere. I'm not talking about being an a**hole. I mean, just be confident and persistent and don't start off overly sexual. Just join her and give her a kiss on the cheek. Put your head on her shoulder. You've got to warm her up. Women are like BBQ smokers, low and slow. You guys are like microwaves, ready to go! lol Take your time with her and DON'T ASK HER IF YOU CAN PUT THE MOVES ON HER, JUST DO IT!!!!! Work from the top down! I like little kisses on the cheeks and forehead. If you go for the danger zone too quick, that's where you get a block. lol Good luck. God bless you for trying.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. When I say she does not "acknowledge me," I mean she shows no interest in me -- for anything. I'm not talking just about bedroom stuff; I'm talking about basic conversation. I don't expect to push a button and have instant eroticism. I'm just trying to get her to talk to me.
DeleteI would love to take it slowly. I like snuggling, and kissing, and all that. Unfortunately, she hates it. There is no "warming up;" believe me, I've tried. I've tried "not asking," I've tried being cool, I've tried reverse psychology; none of it helped. When I put my head on her shoulder, she complains that I am "invading her space." She blew up like a volcano last week when I tried to tell her I had a horrible day at work becuase Top Chef was coming back on in a minute, and she didn't want conversation to interrupt it. (Too bad; she might want to know the company is going to start laying people off).
When we do try to make love, she often tries to finish it as fast as possible, presumably to get it over with. If anything, I'm the one who's the BBQ grill.
I've sent her articles, and statistics, about intimacy; she gets mad and says that she doesn't care what other people are doing.
When I would try to point out that intimacy was important to me, she used to respond about this survey of her friends. She would say that, in an informal survey of her three closest friends, two of them had sex just as infrequently as we did. She stopped saying that after those two girls' husbands both left them last year. (I digress.)
I appreciate what you're saying, and what you're trying to do. Believe me, I've tried going slow, throwing in romance, making it "special...;" none of it has helped. It's not just sex that I'm after; I want to snuggle, cuddle, talk, and all that other stuff, too. She's just not into that. If there is some technique I can do, I am never going to figure it out.
There are really only two things that seem to get her interested in me: spending money, and another woman paying attention to me. Maybe that will be my next blog post...
Have you tried sitting with her and watching her shows? lol I dunno. I just hate for anyone to experience the deep pain I'm going through right now. My husband seems to have completely lost his mind, but maybe I'm being naive or not giving him enough credit by saying that. Yes, try showing her that other women are interested in you. That would get my attention, and I would "claim" my territory. lol Anyway, good luck to you. I'm so sorry for your issues, but I do think that counseling should be on the table before you head to divorce court. Sometimes it takes a neutral party to be blunt with us for us to really "hear" what the problems are. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Miss Wifey, I want to thank you for your kind and personal comments on the blog. Reading over my responses, I hope they do not ever come off as snide or snarky. I write most of them right before I got to bed, when I'm tired. You have given me insight and made me consider how I want to handle this.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I just realized that my handle on the blog is "The Hot Armadillo." It's based on a corny nickname. I picked it just to get the blog started, and meant to go back and change it. Now all these people on the Internet knows I'm not doin' anything with the wife AND I'm a dork.
Regarding your suggestion about watching her shows....well, I tried that. In fact, that was the first thing I tried when I made up my mind that we didn't have a marriage, we were roommates with shared child rearing. I tried watching with her for a long, long time. It didn't work because
ReplyDelete1) I really, really don't like reality shows, Grey's Anatomy, or forensic crime dramas. (How can anybody watch Grey's Anatomy?) I was only watching them to spend time with her, but I never had any say over what was on. (I am one of those weird people that actually don't watch a lot of TV). If I suggested changing the channel to something we both tolerated (or even something I liked) she wordlessly went to the other room to watch in there.
2) She still ignored me, even while I sat there with her. If I said something to her, she complained that I was interrupting. I got tired of being treated like that in my own house.
The sheer number of these shows, along with her twin addiction to Facebook, is, I think, the core problem. She has a show on almost every night from 7 till she goes to sleep. She has her computer with her all the time, so she can play on Facebook during the commercials, or during the slow times. On rare nights when there isn't anything on, she just watches the DVR recordings of the ones she couldn't see live.
This is my first time i visit here and I found so many interesting stuff in your blog especially it's discussion, thank you.The real marriage killer
ReplyDelete