I realized I haven't posted anything in some time, and for those of you that are following this, I apologize. I will put the changes in the last few months into several posts. Lately, my mind has been drawn to what the alternatives are if things do not work out: continue the way things are, divorce, cheating? Is there something else?
I have reached the point where the way things are just make me miserable. Things have to change. However, my wife has made it clear she is just going to half-ass this; at this point, she is not going to change without a different tack.
Divorce has gone into my mind. For those of you who simply say "dump her," that is just naive. I take the promises I make very seriously, and this one is no different. Even if that wasn't enough, we have kids, and they would definitely lose out more than us if we split up. My own parents got divorced, and the end result was that no one was happier. She'd get half my money, and believe me, it's all come from me. What's more, I will have to go into a court, and make a public and permanent statement that I was leaving my wife because she won't have sex with me. There's more to it, I think, but that is what I will have to tell the judge. That would be humiliating in a very public way. I'd have to make similar statements -- or make up some lie -- to my friends and family. If I go through with that, there will be large consequences.
I have made up my mind that having an affair just isn't the way to handle this. One, as I said, I keep my promises, and that would be a violation of one of the big ones. Two, that's really a cowardly way out of this. It would be sidestepping the basic issue that my spouse doesn't want to touch me while violating the rules. So, if I can't work this out, divorce is a much manlier and honest option.
Are there other options? I don't know. I have thought about going to a certified sex counselor, but that option has its own pitfalls. My wife, first, has to agree to go, though I could make enough threats and raise enough hell to change her mind. More importantly, I am more worried about whether the conselor would actually help. My parents' incompetent counselor actually made things worse. Then there's the ugly fear that the counselor will take advantage of me or my wife. (I would absolutely insist that we go to a woman, which, let's face it, would reduce the likelihood of this). Working a job like this would be a dream come true for a pervert, just like daycares attract child abusers.
I admire your tenacity and commitment to your marriage. I do encourage you to seek counseling -- any counseling. Your problems are likely not sexual in nature, at all. There may be some underlying issues. She seems a little angry. If her needs are not being met outside the bedroom, she could be closing up inside the bedroom. I've seen a lot of people refer to this as using sex as a weapon, but from experience, that's not always true.
ReplyDeleteI was frigid, and it wasn't about "punishing" my husband, but I just didn't FEEL that I was a priority for my husband, and I needed him to nurture me (outside of sex). I wanted HIM to be with me OUTSIDE the context of sex.
Be open, and don't make the counseling about something dirty (i.e., only a female counselor). You're starting it off all wrong. You have to trust her, and work this out honestly. You have to be open to looking at yourself, too.
Thank you for your comment. There may be something I am not doing right, but at this point, after years of trying, I am not going to figure it out. She doesn't strike me as angry; just not interested.
ReplyDeletePlease do not misunderstand why I think a female counselor would be better; I am not trying to "get off" by having another woman talk about our issues. It is quite the opposite. 1) I have heard horror stories about perverted male "counselors" who take advantage of the situation (or even the people they are supposed to be helping); that is what I am afraid of; 2) I think a woman might understand her problem better, though I could be wrong.