Valentine's Day is a really depressing day if you don't have a "somebody" to share it with. (Believe it or not, since I was fourteen, I only have spent a couple of Valentine's Days without an official girlfriend or wife. Of course, the wife doesn't do much on that front, but I digress). It's also a really depressing day if your wife is frigid. The day is a sad reminder that my wife has no interest whatsoever in any romantic activity. I literally cannot buy her enough stuff and romance to make her want to be with me. There is a line from a chick movie from years ago that I really can't stand:
"It's Valentine's Day. Every man in America is getting l@!#."
(You can guess what the last word was).
I really, really don't like that movie, but I think the line is more-or-less appropriate. I'm pretty certain most grown women thoroughly enjoy the abundance of romance of the day. If morally appropraite, yes, they are overwhelmed by the romance, and just can't help themselves. Except, of course, if she's frigid, and then does everything she can to get out of it.
I decided to stake out the weekend early this year to make sure there were no more forgotten holidays. About a month before St. V's day, I made sure we scheduled a dinner. About 10 days before we were going to go out, the wife sent me an e-mail saying she wanted to go to her parents that weekend. Oh, boy, there's nothing I would like more than to have my Valentine's dinner pre-empted by a night of watching my in-laws watch television! I was adamant that, no, we had already made plans; too bad. I knew from experience that her folks would not agree to watch the kids for a couple of hours while we went out, and the wife would find any excuse to avoid "extra activities" after we got back. That was asking for disappointment. She said nothing for a day, then offered to go out the weekend before, not after.
We'll see what happens. She may find a way to ruin the day yet, but at least I have taken away the obvious means to do so.
My situation is similar to yours but I think I have been dealing with it for a longer time. I also am angry at myself for putting up with this for so long. You say that divorce is not right for you but I think you may change your mind. I have a very high standard for leaving a marriage. It is not enough for my wife to not have sex with me. I have to believe she doesn't love me in order for me to leave. If your wife consistently denies you intimacy for a long time, for no other reason than that she is not in the mood, then you will come to believe that she doesn't love you. Then you will ask yourself why you are staying in a marriage with someone who does not love you. Then you will see divorce as the best option. The alternatives to divorce are lving in misery or infidelity.
ReplyDeleteI never felt infidelity is a good option for me but I am no longer judgmental about it as I was in the past. Who am I to criticize someone for infildelity or leaving a spouse? Maybe they have been living for years with a cold, uncaring partner. Your moral bearings start to readjust after dealing with this for a long time. Others will criticize but you have a right to happiness. A partner who consistently denies you what you need for happiness is breaking their vows, in my opinion.
My wife has not been intimate for me for a long time, without any explanation. I have tried everything, including counseling, giving her space, being romantic, etc. Nothing has worked, even though I have told her countless times how much intimacy means to me. I believe that is the way a man feels love. He cannot be happy without it.
I have not divorced her because we suffered greatly in the financial crisis. That situation is getting better for us, but the intimacy is not. I am waiting for the right time to give her an ultimatum. At that time, I will tell her that if things don't improve, I am leaving. I have to be ready to do it. It is at that time that I will really find out if my wife loves me.
Pat, I couldn't have said that better myself.
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