Well, Valentine's Day at least wasn't as bad as usual....
As I mentioned elsewhere, lately we've had a "see-saw" relationship. We argue about my wife's continuing lack of interest in me (or even our kids), it ends with an ugly comment, and the next day she completely changes her tone. Well, on Monday we had another one of those.
It started with the revelation that we both had Friday off, and didn't realize the other person had it, as well. Before I could say (or even think) anything else, the missus started yelling "You had better not plan anything on my day off!"
I was flabbergasted. "What?"
"You had better not make any plans for my day off! I never get to do what I want on my day off! I'm getting my hair cut at one o'clock!"
I was totally confused as to what exactly she was so enraged about.
"I didn't know you had the day off, so I haven't made any plans. More importantly, what are you upset about?"
She just get more angry and started yelling, over and over, that she couldn't do what she wanted on her day off because of other people. The kids got frightened.
She finally just stormed off. My son decided to babble something completely off topic as she was walking away, which only made her angrier.
Several hours later, I insisted we talk about what exactly she was upset about. She hemmed and hawed for some time before finally getting to the bottom of it. She didn't want to say it out loud, but she really didn't want to spend time with any of the rest of the family on her day off. She had complained bitterly for the previous couple of days that she would miss everyone because she had to work on the weekend. Now that she had an opportunity to be with the rest of us on Friday, she was angry at the prospect of doing so.
"Fine," I said, "if you have to spend the day off separate, away from me and the kids, do it."
"You just have to be with someone else to have fun. I am quite content to be by myself, without anyone bothering me. I was looking forward to spending the day alone."
Ah. Despite what she said, she really wanted to be by herself.
"I don't care that you want to do things without us, but you didn't have to yell at me at the prospect of having to spend time with us."
"I just want to be alone, without anybody else."
In reality, she wants to spend the day watching recordings of TV shows she made and play Candy Crush on Facebook. Aside from the haircut and a workout, that's pretty much her day.
"Fine. I WON'T plan anything at all for the two of us. I'll just do something completely different that day, even if you're in the same house."
I was amazed at how she was pretty much admitting she didn't want to spend time with the rest of us. I had an idea.
"You know what? If you want, the kids and I will go away for a weekend, maybe even a week. You can do whatever you want, all alone, because none of us will be here. We won't even call you."
"That would be nice."
You can play your game and watch TV as much as you want. No real people to get in the way. The kids won't cry that mommy doesn't hug them any more.
I started to write in this blog, but I was too tired. I went to bed dazed. I couldn't believe my wife had just said she really didn't want to be with the rest of us.
Well, the next day she sent me a message saying she was sorry. She suggested we do an activity on Friday together.
Ahhhhhh...........
Hi, I stumbled over your blog and it amazed me how you describe things I've felt myself.
ReplyDeleteDidn't know the "ten times or less a year" definition for sexless marriage. Guess what, I had 5 times in the last three years... I really liked your theory about the "just-one-more-thing" fallacy, just so true.
I'm not angry, just really sad, thinking that life could be much more fun. Well, once I read women's sex drive is increasing over years while men's sex drive is declining; so there's at least hope for getting to common ground in the future ;-)
Take care and good luck, M.L.
Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel. I hate to sound pessimistic but this is more common than I realized and has no easy solutions. I am looking for success stories(where things have turned around when the wife is frigid). You don't find many but there are some. From what I can see, the wife will change only when faced with he loss of her husband. In other words, less carrot and more stick. I didn't always feel this way but you can't get what you need in this situation by trying to rekindle the romance. I have tried.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if anything will work but it is my opinion that the only thing that has a chance to work is threatening divorce (and meaning it). It is what I would consider the nuclear option but what other choice is there? It takes a while to get to that point but I think a wife in this situation will change only when faced with the real loss of her husband. That will cause her to realize the damage she is causing by treating you like a stranger. If she loves you, she will come around. If not, at least you have found that out and can move on.
She sounds bi-polar. I'd tell her she needs to go to counseling, couples perhaps, or else you're leaving her.
ReplyDeleteIt got to that point with my wife. She's trying now at least.
My heart aches for you, mate. Once I began, I literally could not stop reading this blog. It is clear that much has gone unwritten, however.
ReplyDeleteI believe she is toying with you. I agree with Pat: you are too much carrot, and not enough stick at the same time. She is, however, all stick, and a lot of it. She is beating you with said stick. You are an emotionally battered man.
Could you make one post focusing only on you? Your interests, hobbies, goals/accomplishments, etc. I know these things cannot be too specific, but I would like a vague idea of who YOU are.
Here's an experiment I devised for you to consider:
Ensure fresh batteries for the TV remote are available and that she is aware of their location. Next, drain the remote's current batteries by shorting them out for a few hours(tape paperclips to the the batteries' terminals so that + and - are touching on both batteries; drawing a line through the loop should yield +-+-, not ++--). Make sure to discreetly test the product of your work.
Now, when appropriate, set the TV for a channel which she will hate and you like, but you can walk away from. Place the dead batteries in the remote and enjoy your show. Once she walks in, start a 10 second timer in your head(note if she produces a laptop, etc. in this time). Once that timer hits 0, stand up and walk out of the room. If she says anything, dismiss it and tell her you have to take care of something(make something up). Don't be mysterious or anything. Make sure to place the remote out of her reach and out of her view, but remember EXACTLY how it was placed. Again, don't be obvious.
Now wait several minutes. No less than 5 and no more than 10. Don't let your show get to the credits, if possible. After this time has passed... oh, look: you forgot something in the room with her. Be transient in the room. Don't feel the need to explain yourself if she inquires. Again, no mystery man.
Note: Has the channel changed? Is the TV still on? Has she obviously moved? Has the remote been touched? If so, where is it? What about the dead batteries?
If she got up, tried the remote, determined it had dead batteries, replaced them, and changed the channel to that of her liking, you have a fully-functional human being on your hands. If she didn't even get up to touch the remote, you're dealing with something so cold it doesn't even mind its own discomfort. I doubt either of these extremes will occur.
If she is a creature of habit, I would expect the TV to remain on just for background noise. If she is more about "my way or no way", I would expect the TV to be off when you reenter the room. My estimation of the odds is 85/15, respectively. I would expect the remote to at least be moved, most likely by her side.
After you find what you were looking for(or don't find it, whatever you feel is easier), spend a while reviewing your mental notes. Have a beer or something. Relax and process.
This is espionage, mate. I would not go nuclear(SERIOUS divorce threats) just yet.
Cheers,
Pedro
Pat and Pedro, I think you are right about me being way too much carrot and not enough stick. I will try to explain more in one of my next posts.
ReplyDeletePedro, I may try your experiment. I have done similar things in the past. I have turned on the TV to something she doesn't like, then walked out of the room for a minute or two. When I get back, the channel is on something different. Often, I will get up to go to the bathroom during a commercial break, and when I return she has changed it to something else.
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ReplyDelete