So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?

The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Have we made progress...and should there be a deadline?

I have been reflecting lately on just when I should finally give up on my wife.  Right now, it is better for me to stay with her, and keep trying to improve the physical shape I am in and my manly attitide.  However, at some point that won't be true.  I keep a log on my calendar (properly encoded, of course, so no one will know what it means) of our sex life, just so I have some hard data whenever we get into the "but we just did it a couple of days ago" argument.  (For record, whenever she says "a couple of days ago," it's at least four).  I went looking through the log, as well as my posts on here, to see what, if anything, has changed.
I was surprised to learn that aspects of our life have gotten better since I started reading the magic books about four months ago.  Much of the selfish, rotten and rude behavior has dried up.  The missus for the last few weeks has made at least a small effort to spend time with me, and has out-of-the-blue offered to watch a TV show we both enjoy.  She has sat next to me, physically touching, most evenings, without whining.  Most of these changes were so small and gradual, I really had not noticed them.
Looking back through the log, our sex life has gotten just a tiny bit better.  We were having sex once every couple of months or so two years ago, and having sex one or twice a month six months ago, to maybe two-or-three times a month now.  Yes, proportionally that's a large increase from six months ago, but because the numbers are so small, an increase of just one extra time means an increase of 50%.  I am not sure yet whether that is a fluke or a real improvement.
Because these improvements are just so glacially slow, it makes me wonder if we will ever get to where we need to be.  I've been patient for so many years, but this car may just be out of gas when it's finally moving.  I've just been pushed too far.
There is one glaring problem that makes all of these improvements not matter:  she still will not touch me, on her own.  She will let me touch her, even a little aggressively sometimes.  However, she will not ever initiate contact, nor will she show any emotion to indicate she enjoys it.  I still feel like I am touching an unresponsive mannequin.  This is a dealbreaker for me; regardless of what else goes on, I need her to make contact with me every day.  I am sure there are plenty of other women out in the world who will do so.
What else is still a problem?
- She is still completely addicted to TV and the Internet.  She completely denies how much time she spends on it, which just makes it that more sad.  This will have to be dealt with soon, I think.  I think sometime in August is a good time to bring it up.
- She cannot stand up to her parents, and they are terrible marital role models.
- There is still too much selfishness on her part when it comes to time and money.
- Even though she offers to watch TV with me, it's still....her activity.  At no point does she offer to do something else.
- Yes, we are having sex more often, but it's still awful, and it's still not enough to where I feel loved.
I have decided to continue my current course for at least a three more months, and see where I am at then.

1 comment:

  1. I can certainly understand what you are feeling. I know what it is like to feel unloved by my wife. A lot of what you have done is good and it sounds like progress is being made. But you don't feel loved so it is definitely not enough, not even close, it sounds like you are saying.

    I still maintain that the only thing that will work to get your wife to change is the real threat of losing you. I don't mean talk of splitting up or mentioning divorce, but her being able to look into your eyes and know that you mean it when you say that you have had enough. You don't feel loved because she is holding back on you, not just physically but emotionally. It is not fair because you pledged yourself to her when you married her and she is holding back, for no reason other than "she is not in the mood."

    I am not saying that the real threat of divorce will definitely work, only that it is the only thing that has a chance to work. If your wife knows that she will lose you, she will change and give you what you want, if she loves you. If she won't change, that means she doesn't care for your happiness and doesn't love you. Of course, that is devastating, but at least you will know and can move on.

    I am planning something similar but you have to be ready emotionally, financially, etc. All of this is just my opinion, but when you exhaust all other options, what other choice is there but to say, "I love you but I won't stand for this kind of marriage. It is not right, not normal, and not healthy. If you cannot make me feel loved, then this marriage is over." I think when you are ready you should let her know that you are giving her 3 months to change. But the key is you have to be ready to do this. For many of us, it takes a long time to get ready. But when you are ready, she has to know you mean it, otherwise it will have no power, no impact. I think there is some evidence she will respond to this, based on your observations of how she reacts when you get close to other women. Deep inside, she must know she is being unfair to you.

    This is just my opinion of these things.

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