I have been pondering something that a lot of people have been saying about marital issues: it's all about communication. I hear it on TV, it's in tons of advice books, it's in people's comments on the Internet, and I have read this comment on this blog, too. People say that you have to "communicate effectively" to have a good relationship.
I'm not going to dispute that last fact. But that advice would seem more appropriate for an arm's-length business relationship with someone from a foreign country who doesn't speak the same langauge well. There are cases of misunderstandings because people don't listen well, but those are usually resolved eventually when the real meaning comes out.
But what exactly does that mean for a married couple that lives together? There are times I don't want to share my deepest thoughts, because I think it will be unhelpful or difficult to convey. But on our biggest problems, I don't think there is any problem communicating. I have made it clear what I want over and over again, and she has answered me with some variation of the same answer each time. She knows exactly what I am saying, and what I want. I want to live our lives with togetherness, intimacy, and sexual enjoyment; she does not. In fact, I don't know any couple who has ever had a major marital problem that boiled down to a real lack of communication. Even if one person is afraid to talk about something with the other, the real problem is usually that the other person overracts to things. Again, the communication isn't the problem; it's the reaction to what someone has said.
More talking about this problem isn't going to resolve it. Either her behavior changes, or mine will. Talk is cheap, and we can sit in this Mexican standoff forever if nothing changes.
I gotta say, a lot of people make a lot of money peddling this line. I just don't know why it's treated like some kind of magical elixir.
So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?
The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.