My wife has been out of town for a few days. She is struggling with her addiction to TV and the Internet because the place she is staying does not have cable, Internet service, or even reliable cell service. I have only been able to talk to her sporadically. She sent me a couple of messages this morning from the airport on how much she missed the rest of us. Maybe this will make her understand how bad it is.
While she has been gone, I have done some thinking. When she gets back tonight, I am going to try a different tack. I am going to ask for something she would never agree to, and then propose something far less objectionable to her that I actually want. I will say that I want to have oral sex, and I will just not let it go for some time. She will never agree to that; for someone that abhors touching me, that is just the worst idea to her. I will keep at it for a few minutes. When she gets tired of discussing it, I will then say we should have regular, good ol' fashioned sex, but with better conditions than usual. She would have to touch me, no complaining, and maybe she'll actually take her clothes off. That will sound far less of a stretch compared to oral sex. Don't get me wrong; I'd love to have oral fun, but that is just not in the cards ever. Maybe this way, I will get something I want without her making it into such a horrid drag.
If this works, maybe I will try this other evenings. I'll have to be careful, though, as I should make sure the "bad alternative" is something I really would be into, just in case she says yes. I don't want to accidentally get stuck doing whips and chains in an effort to get her to last more than five minutes in the sack.
Are you good friends with your wife? Do you laugh together? Do you spend some quality time together having fun? Do you talk about different topics that interest you both? Do you share your feelings, worries, happines?
ReplyDeleteTry to remember the early years of your relationship/marriage: What were those things BESIDE sex you enjoyed doing together? Why did you stop doing them? Do you often say to your wife that you love and appreciate her? Or any compliments: how beautiful/adorable/wonderful mother she is? How important she is to you? What is her reaction to these? Try to answer these questions for yourself, maybe it will help you finding the root of your problem. Or maybe not. Because it can be that you two are simply too different.
Refering to the TV shows and gaming... There are so many people doing it nowdays. It is an easy and effortless way of being amused, having fun and spending one´s free time. Can be sign of routine in the life as well as depresion. Maybe your wife is not happy. She gave up.. What did she usually do in her free time before Facebook era?
There can be so many reasons why she can´t stand any intimacy from you. But it is clearly a sign. An effect that has it´s cause. Something went wrong in the past and the effect is that she rejects you. It shows in an amazing way the differencies between man and woman. Something went wrong and you have not noticed anything. For you - as well as for any other man - the things were all right until the sex was frequent enough. Meanwhile your wife maybe went through a long lasting inner suffering. Something must have changed in her and caused her resignation. She is passively accepting her life and the routine. That´s killer for libido. And you would still not notice anything if it had no effect on your sexual life. You started to see the problem only after she lost her interest in intimacy. And you named it - my wife is frigid.
Please, talk. That´s the only way.. I wish you can save your marriage. All the best. And sorry for my english :)
Sasanka, I have tried every way I can to be as nice of a husband as I possibly can. I have tried to be as warm, loving, and attentive as possible. It just doesn't work. If anything, it just makes her bored of me. I have tried helping around the house more...I just get stuck with more housework. I try to make having sex last as long as possible, but SHE is the one who tries to hurry it up and get it over with. I try so hard to snuggle and cuddle with her, but she hates it. If being a better husband is all that stands in my way to tenderness and intimacy, I am never, ever going to be good enough to deserve that.
DeleteWe actually can get along well outside the bedroom, when she's not staring at a computer screen or the TV. Before Facebook came along, she still watched a lot of TV. We certainly talked a lot more. I have tried to schedule activites for us, but she just doesn't want to do them. I tried for months to get her to go jogging or bike riding with me; even though we both enjoy those activites, she won't do them with me.
I know you mean well, but you could be making the assumptions inherent in what I think are the two biggest flawed theories of why women are frigid: either the man is a lousy lover, or there is just "one more thing" that will make things better (see http://mywifeisfrigid.blogspot.com/p/why-women-are-frigid.html). In my case, and I would bet in many others, neither of these ideas is even close to being right.
I think you are correct in that there is something else going on that makes sex impossible. Yes, there are lots of people addicted to electronics these days; does that make it acceptable? I can't have a conversation with her most nights because her mind is glued to some blinking screen. I think that might be at least part of it. It could be that she is really depressed, or sad, or bored with life. If that is the case, she won't let me help her out. If there is a lack of respect for me, which I think is likely, unfortunately what I am now is all there is to me. I'm not going to turn into a superhero, or a rock star, or get elected president anytime soon.
If there is something more that I have to do to get her respect, I am never going to get there.
Hi, please read this article:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.net-burst.net/help/frigidity.htm
I have read that article before, and I am not completely sure what to make of it. I am not going to pass judgement on this guy, as there are always two sides to every story. The poor guy is dead, so he can't tell us. Maybe he really was the awful husband and lover she makes him out to be, but maybe not.
DeleteI think the idea that he was a crummy lover would certainly make this woman feel better about herself, but I see some big problems with what she says. With all the books he bought and attempts to go to counseling, the husband clearly is trying really hard to fix what is the problem in their marriage. He put a lot of effort into it. He clearly doesn't know why she rejects him. So, why didn't she just tell him? Why doesn't SHE do something about it? It would seem that would've saved a lot of trouble, if that's what she wanted. Why does she stick with him if he is really this awful? She endured being in a miserable marriage when she knew what the problem was - why she didn't want to make love to him - but wouldn't help him out; for what? Revenge? To get the last word? I'm sorry, but if they had that many arguments over this, wouldn't talking this out have been better? I think there is far more to this than this woman says, or knows.
If he had really felt the way she imagined he did (as a cheap whore), he would've just left her. He probably should have.
If he had, she would probably have been completely amazed. "I just can't understand what the problem was."