While pondering my latest isolation in my Fortress of Involuntary Solitude, I started wondering something: why does my wife seem to have no problem with being frigid? Why does this crummy, arms-length relationship suit her? Why are things like this? I certainly don't want them this way; does she? When I first started trying to fix things, I expected her either to completely go off the handle, revealing how much she actually loathed me, or tell me how much she missed intimacy, too. Instead, if you will forgive the pun, she half-a$$ed it. She tries to get by with the least amount of efforts, hoping I will shut up and go away. It still makes no sense.
I have come up with a few explanations.
1) There is another man.
This seemed like the most logical explanation, at least at first. If someone's never hungry for dinner, so to speak, maybe it's because she's getting a big snack in the afternoon. I figured she was committing adultery, which lessened her desire for me.
After a lot of effort...I can't say I know for certain she was, or was not, though I think not. I found out she was leading on a lot of men years earlier, but that may have been all. (Not that that excuses it). I couldn't afford the private detective, but I did find out on a lot of occasions when I was suspicious, nothing went on. If she was unfaithful, it is probably done now, and I will probably never know for sure. At this point, she has so little free time, and she so rarely leaves the house, I think (at least now) nothing is going on.
If she is having an affair, I would think at some point she would just leave me for him. Then again, maybe not.
I have read from other frigid women that this is very common for husbands in my situation to think. It is hard to imagine someone not wanting sex at all, but maybe that's her.
2) She is actually a lesbian.
I am sure this seems preposterous to a lot of people. Like the thought that she was cheating on me, this one is not based on direct evidence at all. I just wondered if she wasn't interested in me, was it because she really wanted to be with another woman? Was I, so to speak, cooking a sausage for someone who really liked tacos?
I have no evidence her door is swinging the other way. If she is gay, she's hiding it pretty well.
3) She is not interested in sex, but enjoys having me as a meal ticket
This may be the most likely explanation. If she doesn't actually ever want sex, and can go months at a time without it, the rest of the relationship makes sense. She doesn't have to be around me, except during meals. She can either stay at home or work at a do-nothing job, in which her biggest responsibility is to stand around gossiping with her friends. She can still go on nice vacations, eat good meals, and spend a buttload of time with her shallow friends. At night, she has a warm place to curl up to watch TV or play on the stupid Internet. She does not need to ever spend time with her husband, and certainly not make love with him.
To be frank, I think I would rather have #1 or #2 be true, find out about it, and just get things over with. At least I would have a good public excuse for being upset with her or leaving her, and she would be likely to leave me eventually. If #3 is true, the status quo will always be acceptable to her, and I will look like the villain in trying to change things. Most importantly, if #3 is the reason, I have no excuse for having a wife that doesn't want me to touch her.
Hi! I am a frigid wife. I can understand your anger, but I have a question for you: what would you do if you were in her shoes? Imagine that you are madly in love with someone and you want to make love with that human being, but when the moment comes, you feel nothing.You want it so bad now, and the next moment you want nothing.(It's like a switch in your brain that goes from on to off in an instant, apparently with no cause).When this happens all the time you want to make love/have sex with someone, you avoid it, no matter how big your love is.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the sex is awful for your wife, too... and she is trying to avoid it in every way that she can(TV, computer, etc...).And maybe it's not your fault and it's not her fault, too.
I just discovered your blog and I see myself in every post I am reading here. I'd like to explain you some things, but my english is very bad, and the things are very complicated in your case (as in mine, too. I know I'm damaged and I do my best to fix myself, but it's hard, and with every failure, it gets harder).
I read this a couple of days ago, and I decided to think about it a bit before responding. If, as you suggest, my wife really DOES want to have sex, but just can't, instead of some other reason, then...I hate to say it, but it does not matter. Whatever her intentions, or thoughts, or even words, her actions hurt. She tells me that her lack of interest in intimacy does not reflect her opinion of me, but the actions mean more. If someone said he loved you, but then every few days beat you so hard in a fit of rage that you had to go to the hospital, would you feel loved? It is the same with me. I am sorry, but whatever she actually feels for me, her actions make me feel unwanted.
DeleteSuppose you have a good friend, a wonderful person, who is also an auto mechanic. He loves cars. The problem is, he cannot actually fix a broken car. You take your car to him to get it fixed, but he can't repair it at all. How many times would you take it to him, pay for it to be repaired, only for it to come back not working? Even if he is a great person and friend, you will eventually stop bringing your car to him. I think my answer is that I feel the same way about my wife. Even if she reallyl loves me, the lack of sex and intimacy has made our marriage miserable.
For most people -- and especially, I think, for many frigid women -- what they see as the problem with being married to a frigid woman is that her husband has a burning desire that cannot be satisfied. That, to be honest, IS a big part of it.
But I think something that is also a big piece of the problem, maybe even the biggest one, is how unwanted and unloved this makes me feel. Why won't she touch me? Is there some large part of her that secretly hates me? Today, I asked myself at least ten or fifteen times: why won't she hold my hand or touch my back? She gave the kids a hug, and snuggled up with them. What is wrong with me?
If there is something that keeps you from being intimate with your husband, I would guess he feels the same way I do. Regardless of WHY you have this problem, he probably feels unloved and unwanted.
In another post, you said something about respect. Since I can't find that post now, I will comment here (with your permission, of course). I don't think that your wife doesn't respect you. I think she can't find any joy in sex(and i can assure you she's not happy to be like this, but she doesn't know what to do to fix this. She knows you have needs, but she can't offer you more sex).If she felt pleasure in the past, you can try to help her getting there again, with little steps, without pushing her. For example, one day you hold her hand, next day you kiss her all over her body, etc... One step at a time. Stop whatever you're doing if she doesn't feel comfortable.Forget all you think she might like and talk to her. Ask her if she likes what you're doing.Ask her what she wants next.Make her confide in you, and trust that you won't hurt her to satisfy your needs.
ReplyDeleteNext, maybe a therapist could help you, maybe not. If something bad happened in her past, she might not want to talk about it (not even with you). Whatever happened, she must learn to accept that thing ,to live with it and then move on.
I hope you understood my point, despite my bad english.If I can help you, just ask and I'll try to find my words.
I think my wife would agree with at least some of what you said. She would say that I should start with small gestures, or do something nice for her. The problem is that it really doesn't help. She will get upset, because she thinks it will eventually lead to me touching her more or even trying to have sex.
ReplyDeleteI have spent countless evenings trying to sit with her as she watches TV or surfs the Internet, and done lots of little favors, only to end up being rejected over and over.
I think the reality is that there is nothing I can do to make her want to have sex with me more.
If there is something in her past that she hasn't told me, I don't know what else I can do to help her. I have done everything I can to be a more caring and kind husband, and it's all for nothing.
If you feel unloved and unwanted, tell her that.
ReplyDeleteDon't loose your hope. Talk to her!
I don't know if my husband feels unloved & unwanted.If he's not complaining, I guess everything is all - right.(I'm not a witch, to read his mind). If I ask him about his sexual fantasies, he says he doesn't want to talk about things like that. If I'm asking about new/different things that we could try in bed, he says everything is OK just the way it already is. He doesn't want to talk about sex at all.
10 years ago I was raped. My husband doesn't know that. I can't tell him now, after 8 years of marriage :"You know, honey, there was an idiot that raped me. And, actually, I never had an orgasm with a man. I was faking all those years. I love you and I want you, but the idea of a penis inside me scares me like hell. Would you like the idea of "non - penetrative" sex for a while?." If he doesn't want to talk about sex, there's nothing I can do.
Don't get me wrong! I like the hugging / kissing part, but I fear the rest. So, I'm avoiding all the process as much as I can. I do my best to satisfy him once a month and, as I said, he's not complaining. I can't give him more, because the fear is bigger than the desire. It's sad, I know, and nobody knows all the anger, helplessness, pain and frustration that lies inside me. I want to get better, but he's not helping me. It's not my fault that I can't feel the joy, it's not his fault that I am damaged, but it's our fault because we don't talk about it.
So talk to her. Tell her how you feel and what you want. Maybe she wants to get better too, but she doesn't know what to do. Try the "non- penetrative" sex for a while. Try everything you can to make her feel comfortable in your arms. And then, try it again. And again! Please! Just don't give up!