Just for fun, let me catalog all the reasons my wife will not lay a finger on me in a given two-week period. It only takes one reason for us not to do anything, but there are always several. These are all real reasons she gave.
Day 1: We actually have sex. It's awful. She doesn't touch me at all, or even look at me because she's lying on her stomach. I don't touch anything more sensual than her back. She passes out thirty seconds after we're done.
Day 2: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex yesterday.
She has to work the next day.
There is a TV episode on from a show she likes (that's about 100 shows) that she has only seen once.
Day 3: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex two days ago.
She has to work the next day.
She wants to eat a snack, and does not wish to upset her stomach.
There are two shows she hasn't seen on the DVR, yet.
The temperature inside is too cold for her to take off her clothes.
Day 4: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex three days ago.
I went to the store, but did not buy milk. I did not realize we were low on milk, but that is irrelevent.
Someone at work irritated her. Apparently, that makes her not want sex, ever.
She has to work the next day.
There are new episodes of two of her shows on tonight.
Day 5: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex four days ago.
She has had a headache the entire day.
She does not have to work the next day, so she just wants to "relax." We still have another day.
The kids were clinging to her, and she doesn't want anyone else touching her.
Day 6: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex five days ago.
She does not have to work the next day, so she wants to spend her night off "doing what she really wants to do."
She wants to spend the evening trying to get to level 95 of Candy Crush or whatever it is on Facebook.
The kids were clinging to her, and she doesn't want anyone else touching her.
Day 7: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex six days ago.
She has to work the next day, so she needs to prepare herself mentally for it.
The room is just a little too warm.
Day 8: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex seven days ago.
Her skin feels ticklish. She doesn't want anyone to touch her.
The room is just a little too cold.
Day 9: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex eight days ago.
She stayed out late with her friends. There is no time.
Day 10: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex nine days ago.
She stayed out late with her friends the previous night, and needs to catch up on rest.
There were TV shows on the previous night, and she has to watch them on the DVR so she doesn't get behind on her viewing.
Day 11: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex ten days ago.
She's in an awful mood for who-knows-why, and...trust me, you couldn't pay me to have sex with her because her mood is so bad. Not that she would say "yes."
Day 12: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex eleven days ago.
She wants to spend the evening trying to get to level 102 of Candy Crush or whatever it is on Facebook.
I forgot to put a single dish in the dishwasher before I ran it. She says that "things like that don't make me want to be affectionate." Put it on my tombstone, @#*%$.
Day 13: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex twelve days ago.
She does not have to go to work the next day, and she needs to take advantage of the evening to "do her own thing." Alone, with the DVR and the computer.
Day 14: We will not have meaningful physical contact because:
We (sort of) had sex thirteen days ago. "What's the matter?" she'll ask. "We just had sex, like, yesterday, didn't we?"
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