Though I didn't think it was possible, I think my wife has acquired a new neurotic hangup about me. The last few weeks, I have noticed that she has started changing her clothes in the bathroom, instead of our bedroom, or anywhere else in the house, as is her usual practice. At first, I thought maybe I was just reading in something that wasn't there. Then, I wondered if maybe she was finally concerned that her habit of parading around the house naked in front of our son (who is almost old enough for middle school), like she usually does, was really not a good thing to do. I am all in favor of that, but then I noticed that she was changing her clothes in the bathroom when I was the only person around. She is taking the clothes from our bedroom to the bathroom that is connected to it and shutting the door. Being her husband, of course, I have seen her in her birthday suit zillions of times. I am not sure what this is supposed to accomplish, but I wonder if this is another sign of how closed off she is to me now.
A couple of days ago, the family went swimming together. When we came back, I went back went to our bedroom to change back into my clothes. My wife went into the bathroom to change and shut the door, but I needed something out of there. I opened the door when she was halfway out of her suit, and she got rather irate at me for barging in. I apologized for startling her, and I decided to raise the issue.
"Why are you changing in here? Because you don't want me to see you naked?"
"Yes, that is exactly it," she said, in what I guess was an attempt at sarcasm.
I would not have thought anything of it, but as she said that, she pulled her swimsuit back over her breasts. I shook my head and walked out. It is possible she has started this behavior without even consciously thinking about it(see here for some more details on how she thinks).
Wonderful.
I started looking through a list of local sex therapists that day. That will be the subject of another post.
I have been through this before. I am actually slightly more optimistic about my situation than I have been in the past. Yours can turn around but you will need to be tough. By that, I mean you have to let your wife know her behavior is unacceptable. Ask her point blank, "Am I unreasonable to want to be intimate with my wife and not treated like a stranger?" If she says no, you are not unreasonable, then press her further. Tell her you need physical and emotional intimacy in order to feel loved. She will probably say something like she loves you but those things are not important to her. Then you have to tell her that you are a man and almost all men need intimacy in order to be happy. If she doesn't care about your happiness, then you don't feel she loves you.
ReplyDeleteIf she does say you are unreasonable for wanting intimacy (which I doubt she will say), then you have to say that you don't feel you will grow old together and that if she won't love you, maybe someone else will. You should never insinuate that you have met anyone else, just that you have a right to be happy and that the situation is unacceptable. Do not yell or raise your voice. Let the conversation end there unless she has something meaningful to say. Let her think about the words and what it might be like to lose you. Whatever she says to you, repeat that you cannot be happy without intimacy so that she doesn't try to do something else to make you happy, when you know it won't.
If your wife will be going to therapy with you, make sure the therapist is a woman. A man will be less understanding of your situation, in my opinion. You may find it counterintuitive but the man will generally be less tough with your wife.