Irritating Sex Tips

I have been reading several books lately on how to improve my sex life (and, by extension, my marriage).  For the most part, these books offer advice on how to improve a low-sex or sexless marriage (that's me!).  Each book, however, contains a section on little tips for sparking a woman's sexual interest.  Anyway, these little tips irritate me to no end.  There is no way my wife and I are ready for any of these things.  Grab her behind unexpectedly!  Whisk her away for a romantic dinner!  Sneak into the shower when she's in there!
I think the "sneaking into the shower" thing has been mentioned in three different books.  It would be great fun, if I thought it would actually happen.  My wife would freak out and get angry.  There'd be the reversion to my favorite role she plays:  the Morally Offended Victorian Schoolmarm.  The Victorian Schoolmarm is personally affronted by any mention of that evil S-E-X!
Why in the world would someone think people in a sexless marriage could really have spontaneous sexual naughtiness?  I'm guessing that the authors felt they needed a little something for people who bought the book but really don't need it, or maybe they just don't realize people in sexless marriages can't do this stuff.  These tips are great when the wife actually has some interest in sex.  When it's personally offensive to her, it's no different than if some letcherous molester tried it.  Grabbing her ass will do nothing but make her act like she got stung by a bee.  If I tried to take her dinner unexpectedly, she'd come up with some lame excuse for why she just physically can't eat food where there's romance in the air.
Further, all these little tips do is remind me of how many things I am missing out of in my marriage.  It's a lot like someone who just got dumped by her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day walking through a makeout spot.  Thanks a lot for the reminder!
I feel inspired to say that I will never, ever, post some tip or something on here that cannot be attempted by someone in a low-sex marriage.  So be it.