I am sure many people wonder why I write this blog. Why do I put my most personal feelings and thoughts on the Internet, particularly about the bone-crushingly embarrassing fact that my wife will not sleep with me?
For one, simply writing this blog is a kind of emotional release. I have no one to talk about this, and I just feel better being able to put my feeling out somewhere, even if it is in the faceless anonymity of the Internet.
Two, I hoped I could help others out there in the same boat. The world is full of (mostly) men who are in the same predicament, and maybe knowing someone else has to struggle with the same thing may give them at least some small comfort.
Three, I think the conventional wisdom among professionals and others is, to be frank, completely wrong. There are a lot of opinions out there about frigidity and how to resolve it. Before I started this blog, I spent untold hours reading books, magazines, online articles and blogs, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that the overwhelming majority of opinions out there were simply dead wrong.
A few years ago, there was a movie (The King's Speech) about the struggles of the king of Great Britain during World War II (George VI) with a horrible stuttering problem. For a man whose single purpose was to provide public speechs of hope and comfort, this was trouble. He went to all kinds of credentialed doctors, none of whom were able to help him. There is a wonderful scene in the movie in which a doctor tells him to put marbles in his mouth. The doctor describes the legend of the ancient Greek orator, Demosthenes, who had a stuttering problem. According to legend, Demosthenes learned to speak properly by putting rocks in his mouth. After the marbles proved a ridiculous failure, the then-duke said "Has anyone actually gotten this cure to work since then?"
Eventually, the duke finds an uncredentialed, unconventional teacher who uses completely different methods to help him successfully cope with his stuttering.
I think this illustrates perfectly what I have read from so many so-called experts on frigidity. So many of these therapists and well-educated people say that the cure for frigidity is to do more chores, be more sensitive, and give in to your wife's complaints. In the next breath, these same people openly acknowledge that this rarely, if ever, actually works. Frigid women themselves love this theory, as it puts all the blame on their husbands while getting them a virtual household slave (at least until the guy wises up).
Believe me, I've tried those methods. I've tried doing more chores. I've tried being as nice as I can, even when my wife treats me like garbage. I've tiptoed around her like a servant who will be beaten for insolence. I've smiled till my mouth hurts while she spews one absurd excuse after another about why I just don't qualify for sex. The only result was that I was even more bitter afterwards.
There is a popular blog out there by a frigid woman that really gets my goat. It even has a story in the main page about how some poor sap read that helping out with the dishes would get him more sex. He did just that, then got disappointed when nothing happened. The conclusion the site draws is that he should just learn to live with it. But that's not really a solution at all! It's just a recipe for more misery. What a stupid, absurd, crock!
Other self-proclaimed experts (usually not therapists) say that, well, men with frigid wives are just shitty lovers, and if they could just be a little more tender, or magically grow a bigger d*ck, their wives would put out more. There is also no proof of this, nor is there any offered solution. These folks just like to feel a perverse pleasure that some poor bloke just can't get laid.
There is another camp of well-meaning people who latch on to the idea that frigid women are all tramautized. I don't doubt that there are plenty of men and women who are in that boat. The problem I have is that these folks assume every frigid woman, or almost every one, has been tramautized. I can tell you without a shred of doubt this is not my wife's problem, and there are scads of others who are the same way. It is as if these folks simply think there is no possibility that a perfectly normal woman would simply not went to have sex and intimacy while staying married.
It's as if there is an entire industry devoted to ideas and advice that everyone acknowledges just does not work. These people are no better than the medieval doctors who gave their patients leeches. Judging from the thousands of hits this site gets, there are thousands, maybe even millions of husbands out there trying to deal with this, and getting nothing but terrible advice from those unwilling to admit they don't really know what they're doing.
So, I have put this Web site together to try and find real answers to this problem. Surely there is a way out there to resolve this. It may not be pretty, or easy, but the misery out there is simply too much.
(As I have said before, I have found a few sources that say the real source of the problem is a lack of respect for the husband as a man. This seems to be the only approach that has come close to helping me and others.)
As I already told you, I am a frigid "shrew", too, and I can understand why a woman doesn't want to have sex with her husband. I understand your point of view, too. What I don't understand is why don't you ask your wife what is wrong between your empty sheets.You say she's not traumatized (as I am - although a woman can be damaged not only by rape or abuse, but as a result of a very bad first experience or on childbirth). Is she satisfied in bed(even if she says she is, she still may be faking it for your sake)? Think about it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying you're a bad lover, so don't take it personally, I'm just speaking from my own experience. I love my husband, but I hate the sex(the more we make it, the more I hate it), because he doesn't know which buttons to push and sex is a taboo subject for him. I tried to show him what I expect from him in bed, but he didn't get it or he doesn't want to know. So, you see, it's not about the chores he does/ does not around the house, it's about a lack of communication. Sex is a sort of communication too, but one between two bodies.
Stop analyzing her here like some sort of a freaky bug, and talk to her. Ask her how she satisfies herself, what does she expect from you (maybe she would like to try oral sex, or a different position, or toys, or to feel connected with you/ not seen like an object designed just to satisfy your needs, or ... I don't know what else).Or , if she is shy, give her a book about lovemaking and tell her to mark the pages that contain the things she would like to try in bed. You can't read her mind, but you can ask her. And you have nothing to loose if you try.
Good luck!
I have tried to talk with her many, many times about it. I have even asked her several times if she simply does not enjoy sex with me. She has always answered that the sex is always fun, but that she just doesn't feel like doing it very much. In fact, if she would actually let me, I can almost always bring her to an orgasm; however, she usually rushes to get things over as quickly as possible, so that doesn't happen.
DeleteI don't think she's faking it, in that it is pretty obvious she hates having sex with me.
The discussion of why she doesn't want to have sex with me goes in circles over and over. I ask her why she doesn't want to, and she says, while it's fun, she just doesn't feel like it very often. If I press her for why that is, she gives an enormous list of ridiculous tiny excuses: the laundry has to be done, the kids left all their toys and books out when I got home, I ate dinner too late, we had sex just two weeks ago, etc. Then, when I ask if there is something below the surface that bothers her, she repeats the part about how she doesn't feel like it very often. She just says the same thing over and over, without telling me any reason as to why she doesn't like sex.
At various times, she has told me that:
* she "hates herself" for having sex with me when she doesn't feel like it
* she doesn't like me touching her, and
* she really hates touching me
I have tried really hard to find something that will make her want sex more, but it's been futile. I have suggested some pretty tame stuff: wearing sexy lingerie, role-playing, a different position, costumes, better places in the house...nothing worked. She bought some fancy underwear and lingerie a few years ago, but the tags are still on them.
I've tried all kinds of things to help: flowers (which she never thanks me for), an extra shower, cologne, an extra shave, not shaving, doing extra chores, doing favors, etc. None of it has worked.
In fact, simply suggesting we do something out of the ordinary in the bedroom only makes her really mad. When we do have sex, I have to stick to the "script" she has created very closely or all she does is complain. A back rub for her, follwed by a massage on her rear, and then we finish. Maybe, just maybe, I might get to touch something a little more exciting "south of the border," but that's it. I almost never get anywhere near her breasts, or kiss her. Having her touch me is almost always out of the question.
I realize your situation may be different. At this point, if there was something I could do better in bed that would resolve this, I would hope either she would have told me or I would have figured it out. She simply does not want to have sex with me, no matter what.
I would add one more piece of information. There are only two things that will consistently get her to feel like making love: spending a lot of money, and having another woman pay a lot of attention to me. Everything else is a waste of time and money.
DeleteThe one weekend we had hot sex was the Friday I confessed that I was considering cheating on her. That weekend has not been repeated. That is the only thing that ever worked. Like you, I tried Everything else. I'm a very good lover. I'm a very good husband. I help her in many ways. And I love her. But nothing works.
DeleteI've been there too... skipping foreplay because he was just tickling me, instead of caressing, touching my clitoris like using a sand paper, etc ... and I felt nothing or just pain, so I was rushing things to get over as quickly as possible. But there's no fun in all these things. It's awful, and nothing good happens if you go on this path, not kissing,not touching and not feeling.You get to a point when all you want to do is avoiding everything and making this (I don't know how to call it, because it's not love, not even sex) just because it is something you know you have to do to maintain your marriage(because you know the other one has needs that you don't have anymore). So I believe "she just doesn't feel like doing it" means she doesn't like it. I don't know why (there can be many reasons).
ReplyDeleteSo I was there too ... but I realized that we are both in this marriage, we are a team and we have to look in the same direction to change something. But I'm the only one here who thinks we have a problem , and one, alone, cannot change things for both of us. So now I'm in the same boat with you.
I guess women have to learn how to feel pleasure while having sex. I guess we have to associate the act with positive experiences to reach the "big O". After that, the more you like it, the more you want to do it. I think "trial and error " + communication between partners is the key.But you have to think as a team.
Hard task, but it has to be a way to solve it.
Good luck!