So, You Wanna Know about Frigidity?

The purpose of this blog is, as the title suggests, to discuss my personal pain and frustration with being married to a frigid woman. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, a “frigid” woman is one who is emotionally and physically cold. She simply does not want physical contact with her husband, especially having sex. I am sure there are frigid men out there, but I am pretty sure the overwhelming number of people that fit this description are women. I would like to differentiate between women who just have sex less as the years go by, and those that simply do not ever want to do it at all. I have read that psychologists define a “sexless” marriage as one in which the couple has sex ten times or less a year; there have been several years like that for me. Most married adults have sex, on average, between two or three times a week. I am lucky if it happens more than once a month and isn’t gawdawful. You are welcome to read, but please try to avoid slapping stereotypes and quick judgments on me or her. For those of you that are looking for something to “get your jollies,” well, I hate to disappoint you, but this blog is not it. If anything, you will read scintillating tales of people not having sex.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

No moving into drive out of park...

I happened to see part of an episode of Family Feud tonight.  I don't think I have seen that show since I was a little kid.  The question at hand was "What can a woman do to get her husband's sex drive out of park?"
As I sat there listening to the show, I had to admit:  I had a hard time thinking of anything.  The answers the contestants gave were pretty standard:  wear lingerie, get him a drink, dance for him, simply get naked.  Yet, these didn't come to mind.  It occurred to me that my wife never does any of these things, or anything else, on the rare occasion that she actually initiates making love.  She just turns out the lights, flops on her stomach, sticks her hind end up, and awaits a backrub.  At first, this made me kind of bitter; I couldn't think of a dad-gum thing because the missus never tries anything.
It then occurred to me:  regardless of my abilities, my wife really is a lousy lover.  When she's not really in the mood, sex is awful.  However, now that I think about it, even when she wants to have sex, it's pretty bad.  She just lies there, waiting to be entertained.  She doesn't seem to have a clue about seduction, or being tempting, or even trying to be extra attractive.
I've been wondering if I should, somehow, let her know this.  Maybe if I "coach" her a little, maybe she might enjoy sex and intimacy better.  Would it actually improve things at all between us, or would it just make her mad?  Try as I might, I can't think of a way of expressing this that would help.  "Hey Honey, just so you know, it's bad enough that you never want to have sex; when we do, it's positively awful!"

4 comments:

  1. Maybe she is just shy or she doesn't like her body. Maybe she needs to know that you still find her attractive after all these years. And maybe you can adapt those "irritating sex tips" to your situation( you can tell her you want to make her feel like a queen for a day, that you are her servant and you want to wash her hair or/and her body and so ... you can take her to the shower. Or you can "grab her behind" while dancing,etc...).
    I'm not giving you advice... just options. Imagine that somewhere, deep inside your wife,it is a warm,passionate and loving WOMAN, but she is sleeping. You have to find a way to wake her up without telling your wife that she is a lousy lover. Instead, be her mirror and show her what she want to see: a husband that finds her beautiful. Tell her that over and over, until she will believe it.
    You can tell her that you like to see her body, tie her eyes (blind her? I can't find the words for that) with a scarf and leave the lights on.You can touch her hair, her face or her ears while you're kissing her and observe how she feels. You can ask her permission to make her a full massage of the body (telling her that you will STOP whatever you're doing whenever she wants). Don't rush things, don't even expect sex from her. Just make her feel comfortable in her own body and experience different sensations. She will open up, step by step, little by little when she'll learn how to find pleasure.
    "Coach" her and have fun while doing it!

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  2. In other words, if you want you can find a way to melt the iceberg (to teach her wisely, in a non-sexual way, that touching is a good thing that could lead to pleasurable things. Don't look desperate to have sex with her, make her want to do it).

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  3. "Maybe she is just shy or she doesn't like her body" - or like hes posted before is just really lazy and selfish.

    "you can tell her you want to make her feel like a queen for a day, that you are her servant and you want to wash her hair or/and her body and so ... you can take her to the shower. Or you can "grab her behind" while dancing,etc.."
    What romance novels have you been reading?.
    The guys already been dancing to the beat of her drum for far far too long with out having to do this to make her "feel special".

    "I'm not giving you advice... just options. Imagine that somewhere, deep inside your wife,it is a warm,passionate and loving WOMAN, but she is sleeping. You have to find a way to wake her up without telling your wife that she is a lousy lover."

    Shes selfish and about as loving as a house brick.
    Id use the ultimate wake up call.. Tell her she IS a lousy lover ,, sorry lover is too strong a word and she would barely be in the partner category.

    "Instead, be her mirror and show her what she want to see: a husband that finds her beautiful. Tell her that over and over, until she will believe it.
    You can tell her that you like to see her body, tie her eyes (blind her? I can't find the words for that) with a scarf and leave the lights on.You can touch her hair, her face or her ears while you're kissing her and observe how she feels. You can ask her permission to make her a full massage of the body (telling her that you will STOP whatever you're doing whenever she wants). Don't rush things, don't even expect sex from her."

    Hes already been dancing to the beat of her drum with out you telling him hes got to do it to make her feel pampered.
    Seriously they should stop people reading these romantic BS novels.

    "Just make her feel comfortable in her own body and experience different sensations. She will open up, step by step, little by little when she'll learn how to find pleasure"

    Are you getting off on this or some thing? really ?.
    I really suggest you take the blinkers off and re-read all his previous posts with out Mills & Boon or Titanic playing in the back ground.

    A loving healthy relationship is about respect & love.
    She shows you no respect and certainly no love.
    You've even posted your most inner most personal thoughts and feelings on this site for others to see the frustrations you have and solutions youve tried to put in place to improve the situation.

    Forget about the sex or lack of for a minute.

    She doesnt really want to interact with you in any sense of the word unless it suits her own needs or purposes or because she feels she is losing control.
    This is the magic word in your situation, Control.
    That is not the basis for a loving relationship.






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  4. Hey! She doesn't want to be touched. I think this is the key - symptom here. It has nothing to do with her being lazy or selfish (laziness could be a sign of depression), it is a real thing and is something beyond her control (read about haptephobia and you'll see what I mean). I've been there. What about you?
    You cannot ask sex from someone who doesn't like to be touched (if she loves you, she will give you, but it will be an awful experience for both of you. I think she is having sex just to maintain this marriage, just for his needs. It is a sort of gift she is giving him from time to time, and this is all she feels she can give because deep-down inside her she hates sex). You can send her to a shrink, or you can talk with her, find the root of the problem and wisely teach her that touching is a good thing and it could lead to pleasurable things. It takes time, patience and understanding and both of them willing to come to a compromise.
    So it's not about control, it's about communication.

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